


finally, beautiful stranger

by halfthemoon



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Amnesia, Car Accidents, Implied Sexual Content, It's really not that sad, M/M, Memory Loss, Misunderstandings, Pining, Slow Burn, but not really, inspired by the vow (2012), very cheesy sometimes but that's how i want it to be so don't be harsh on me or i'll cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:26:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 61,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25804348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfthemoon/pseuds/halfthemoon
Summary: It’s cold. Their wedding ring, on his fourth finger on his left hand. It’s cold when he sees Yeonjun’s hand and his ring finger is empty.“I don’t know,” Yeonjun whispers quietly, like he’s cautious. Unsure. “A little scared, I think.”“Why?”“Well, I don’t actually... know you.”Soobin laughs, despite the reality. It’s funny when he thinks about it hard enough. This is the man he married a year ago, fell in love with years before, but he doesn’t remember.It’s funny, really.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 133
Kudos: 859





	1. dawn

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is inspired by the vow (2012)!
> 
> disclaimer: nothing is graphic, but there are mentions of car accident and death so please be careful.
> 
> special thanks to dody, gigi, and kristy for helping me during the writing process. love you a lot. <3
> 
> title comes from 'finally // beautiful stranger' by halsey.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home _n._ a place where one belongs

The car ride home is silent.

Soobin grips the streering wheel until his fingers hurt, his knuckles white. He’s paying attention to the road, but he can’t control the panic settling inside of him, the uneasiness, the desperation. He’s trying his best to be collected and calm, after all, this is not about him - but it’s difficult when the silence feels suffocating, when it feels like weight.

He wishes he could say something. There are a lot of things he wants to say, but his words are stuck somewhere between his ribcage, painfully lodged within himself.

The air is thick in the small space of the car. Soobin can barely see through the fog in his mind, except for the fact that Yeonjun’s _here_ and he’s not stuck in a bed with white walls and thick curtains anymore.

“Hey,” Soobin calls out softly, sees Yeonjun stirring quietly in his seat. He wants to do more than this. He wants to comfort him and pulls him in a hug, but he can’t. “Do you remember this part of town?”

Yeonjun doesn’t answer for a moment, but he gives the street a long look, like he’s trying to dig memories in his mind, like he’s searching for a sense of familiarity, recognition. Soobin can hear him sigh, and it’s one that he’s heard plenty of times before in the hospital, when he couldn’t do a simple task and he felt like this was his fault somehow. In the corner of his eyes, he sees him sink further into the chair, as though he’s trying to fold into himself and make himself unseen.

“I don’t think so,” Yeonjun shakes his head, mulling it over. “Can’t remember anything.”

“Okay,” Soobin understands, even when he wants to scream, wants to remind him that they’ve lived in this area for a year now. But he only nods, turning into a corner, focusing himself on the road. “How do you feel?”

Yeonjun lets out a small laugh. Soobin realizes it’s the first time he’s heard him laugh in weeks. It still sounds like Yeonjun, still sounds like how he used to laugh - carefree, as if nothing could bother him. Soobin misses _it._ Misses him. More than he could ever say.

The accident doesn’t actually change anything - even when he first woke up in that hospital, the first thing he thought of was Yeonjun. Soobin’s first worry, his first concern. Although there were needles stuck in his veins, all he could think of was _Yeonjun -_ the need to know where he was, and if he was okay.

Here, back in their car, weeks after the truck drove right into their parked car, Soobin’s heart still thrums for Yeonjun. As it always did, relentless and forceful.

The accident changes one thing, though. One thing that changes _everything._ Yeonjun can’t _remember_ him. Doesn’t remember who he is and who they are. Doesn’t remember a _single_ thing about their life together.

Yeonjun looks at Soobin and there’s nothing _there._ No weight, no traces of what used to be theirs. Yeonjun looks at him now like it’s his first time, strange and searching - nothing warm about it anymore. Distant and fleeting, and Soobin wonders if he’ll able to see it again. If Yeonjun would ever look at him with the same love again.

It’s cold. Their wedding ring, on his fourth finger on his left hand. It’s cold when he sees Yeonjun’s hand and his ring finger is empty.

“I don’t know,” Yeonjun whispers quietly, like he’s cautious. Unsure. “A little scared, I think.”

“Why?”

“Well, I don’t actually... know you.”

Soobin laughs, despite the reality. It’s funny when he thinks about it hard enough. This is the man he married a year ago, fell in love with _years_ before, but he doesn’t _remember_.

It’s funny, really.

“I promise I’m actually your husband,” Soobin says lightly as he tries to ignore the uncomfortable knot forming in his stomach. “I can prove it.”

Yeonjun smiles at that, even when his eyes are sad. More than anything, he just looks tired.

“Yeah, don’t worry,” He puts his head on the window and Soobin watches as his hair falls to his forehead. “I trust you, I saw the documents and everything.”

“We’re almost there.” Soobin informs him, but only because doesn’t know what else to say. He wants to say that he misses him, always, that ache never-ending and present. He wants to say that he’s scared of losing him, even when Yeonjun is here now, but he can’t handle the nagging thought in the back of his head that he was so _close_ to never being able to stare at Yeonjun’s familiar eyes again.

It stings, the way he’s holding the steering wheel, but he closes his mouth and swallows it whole. _This isn’t about him._

“Is there anything you want? Before we get home?”

It’s silence again. Soobin watches the light on the street and silently wishes for another chance.

A month ago, it was Yeonjun at the back of the steering wheel. Now it’s him, and he still remembers the sound of shattering glass, the feeling of being thrown out of his seat.

“Just wanna sleep,” Yeonjun sighs again, and Soobin can see it - the way his shoulders slump, the heavy flutter of his eyelids. He looks tired, but Soobin knows it’s deeper than that, the exhaustion clings tight around his bones. “Don’t worry about me, Soobin.”

Soobin wants to say that he can’t help it, but saying it aloud won’t solve anything, so he only nods.

“We’re almost home,” Soobin only needs to turn left to arrive at the apartment. _Their_ apartment, a home they built from scratch. It slips out of his mouth without thinking, because it _was_ , and it has been _their_ home for a long time, but as he spots the glint of his ring, it dawns on him, that maybe it’s not anymore. Maybe now it’s only his.

Yeonjun closes his eyes and doesn’t answer.

*

“ _Is he okay?_ ”

It’s his brother, Seokjin, on the other side of the phone, and Soobin feels an immediate sense of relief when he hears his voice.

“Yeah. He just looks confused. Tired, too.”

“ _As expected. When can we see him?_ ”

Soobin lies on his bed and lets himself listen to the running water of Yeonjun on the bathroom. He puts his arm on his eyes, feeling the business of the day on his muscles. He didn’t realize how tired he is until now, the plumpness of the cushion already making him drowsy.

“I don’t know. Whenever he’s up to it, I guess.” Soobin sighs, closing his eyes. “He’s not really up to meeting anyone else except me.”

“ _They said his memories can come back, right?_ ”

“They said it’s a small possibility,” He says, biting his lip - trying to calm his nerves. He has been clinging to that for weeks, has been gripping tight to that _little_ chance that, maybe, Yeonjun will remember him again. He has to, right? He has to remember him again. Soobin will wait, oh, he’ll _wait,_ however long it would take.

“ _He’s safe. That’s what matter most. He’s here, with you._ ”

Soobin’s eyes feel hot, and it’s scorching, the way his lungs contricts harshly against his ribcage. Some days, he forgets how to breathe - like now, as he looks at the ceiling and he reminds himself that he isn’t back in the car anymore, he’s _home,_ in the safety of his room.

He almost lost him, in that accident. Soobin woke up a few weeks before him and he waited a painfully long time for Yeonjun to open his eyes. They purposefully put him in a coma, so that the swelling in his head would heal itself - or, that’s what he understood. It didn’t make him less afraid that Yeonjun wouldn’t wake up, and Soobin wished on everything he knew to bring Yeonjun back to him.

He still remembers when Yeonjun opened his eyes, and he had never felt happiness like that before - the relief, the first surge of breath that he exhaled. He had stared at him from the edge of the bed, for Yeonjun to regain enough consciousness, to finally recognize him. All he wanted was to feel him _again._ To hear his heartbeat, the sound of his voice.

It took Yeonjun a long time. To finally _look_ at Soobin.

When he did, though, this was what he said, the first word he uttered in weeks: “ _Doctor_?”

His stomach dropped in horror and he felt sick, as though the world had crumbled right under him. In retrospect, it did. Soobin’s world, at least.

That was when it dawned on him that Yeonjun didn’t know who he was.

“Yeah. He’s here.” Soobin listens at the running water and reminds himself that Yeonjun’s okay. That he’s here, _alive,_ breathing.

“ _Take care of yourself too, okay? He’s not the only one who got hurt._ ”

Soobin purses his lips, thinks about the soreness in his body that doesn’t seem to disappear. “I’m fine, hyung.”

“ _Listen. I’m here if you need to talk, okay? And I’ll visit you if you ever need me._ ”

It would be nice, he decides, if Seokjin could visit them. It’s been awhile, but he knew Seokjin would drop everything just to make sure he’s okay, and he didn’t want to bother. “I know, but you don’t have to. You’re busy and everything.”

“ _Never for you_.” Seokjin says and Soobin can hear a slight ruffle on the end of the line, like someone’s moving.

Soobin crinkles his forehead. “Is that Yoongi-hyung with you?”

“ _Yeah,”_ Seokjin laughs, and Soobin notes that he sounds happy. “ _He’s trying to cuddle me, I’m sorry._ ”

“Of course he is. Hyung?”

“ _Yeah, Bin?_ ”

“Thanks for calling.”

“ _No need for that. Yoongi says hi, by the way. To both you and Yeonjun_.”

“Okay,” Soobin says, simply, because he doesn’t have the heart to remind him that Yeonjun doesn’t remember them. “I need to go wash up. Goodbye, hyung. Love you.”

“ _Bye. Love you too.”_

*

“So, I’m a dance teacher?”

Yeonjun looks at him expectantly, his eyes round, and Soobin takes his time to nod and smile, as he thinks about how he used to watch him dance everywhere - in the studio, in their room, in their kitchen. Soobin thinks it was one of the reasons why he fell in love with him.

“Yeah,” He nods again, can’t help but stares at him and feels fond. “You are.”

Yeonjun looks fresh, his hair still wet from the shower. He moves to sit beside him on the couch, but he’s not looking at Soobin. His hands are clasped together, his brows furrowed, as his gaze falls on somewhere that Soobin can’t see.

“How about you? What do you do?”

“I’m a graphic designer.”

Yeonjun sighs and leans back, resting his head on the back of the sofa, dragging his knees to his chest. Soobin idly notices that he’s wearing socks, just like he used to. “Sorry - it’s. A lot to take in.”

“I know,” Soobin fights the urge to bring him closer. “It’s okay, take as long as you need.”

Yeonjun glances up at him, peering at him through heavy eyelids. He can see him thinking, curiosity swimming in his eyes. “How did we meet?”

“At a cafe,” He laughs, shaking his head, because it’s _funny_ somehow. It is a treasured memory, it has always been - but to think that they used to be strangers, and now they’re here, being strangers again. A circle of life or some shit, he thinks bitterly.

“Really?” It seems to pique his interest, and he straights up a little. “How?”

“You were a barista at my favorite cafe,” Soobin leans back too, relaxing his body. Feeling dizzy, either from fatigue or the fact that Yeonjun is so close to him now, not seperated by a hospital bed or a cannula. “I thought you were cute, so I kept going there even when I don’t like coffee.”

Yeonjun surprisingly laughs. “How was it your favorite cafe, then?”

Soobin stares at the one strand of hair tucked behind Yeonjun’s ear. “Because you were there.”

He nods, biting his lip, his eyes becoming crescents. “Of course.”

Soobin wants to think that he already has Yeonjun back. That they could go live their lives again, exactly like before - hectic mornings that didn’t feel heavy because they had each other, slow nights with nothing but their laughs. He wants to think that this is permanent, having him here, feeling the sleeves of their shirts touching. He badly wants to believe that to be true.

Soobin remembers a moment a few years ago, during their first month, Yeonjun had kissed him on the cheek, and his eyes were shining. He said it with the softest voice, as if there was nothing else he wanted to say, nothing else he wanted Soobin to hear.

It used to be his thing, whenever he found Soobin doing something cute, or if Soobin had said something _right -_ Yeonjun would stop whatever he was doing, and he would look at him. And there it was, plain, bare on his tongue: _I fall in love with you today, Soobin_.

His heart would clench whenever he heard it, even when Yeonjun said it frequently, even when it was over something so small, so _trivial._ Soobin would never know what to do because it always felt like his heart was going to split in two. It always felt like it burned when he looked back at Yeonjun with stars in his eyes, only for him.

Soobin never said it back, but he always made sure that Yeonjun knew, that it was the same for him. He always made sure that he knew, by the way he touched him, by the way he took care of him - he made sure that Yeonjun knew he fell in love, too, twice in a second, forever in a single breath. He wishes he had said it back, even when Yeonjun knew how he felt. He wishes he had just say it back.

Because he can’t say it back now. Not here, when they’re inches apart but Soobin is just a stranger to him.

“I wish I could remember that,” Yeonjun whipers to the air.

“Yeah,” Soobin whispers back, because there is nothing else he can say.

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Do you know how Beomgyu and I broke up?”

Soobin blinks, surprised. He doesn’t know when was the last time he heard that name or was uttered from Yeonjun’s mouth without indifference.

“You remember him?”

“I don’t remember anything after him. In my mind, we’re still together."

Oh.

_Oh._

Soobin grips the armrest, and it aches to think that Yeonjun has nothing left of them, not even a single memory.

“You broke up with him,” Soobin says, slowly, testing it out. “You told me you weren’t happy.”

Yeonjun nods, staring into the distance. “I can’t remember that too.”

“Breaking up with him?”

“No,” he corrects. “Being unhappy with him.”

Soobin shuts his eyes tight.

_This isn’t about him._

“Are you sleepy yet?” He asks, desperately trying to change the subject, doesn’t want to think about Beomgyu and Yeonjun and how they were childhood best friends, basically inseperable. They met when they were just little kids, little Yeonjun falling in love with the little boy next door. He doesn’t want to think about how Beomgyu was Yeonjun’s first love in Daegu, and he met Soobin _here,_ in Seoul, miles away from his home.

“Yeah. Tired,” Yeonjun looks at him, searching. “Should I sleep in the spare room?”

Amidst their busy day, Soobin completely forgets about that. Didn’t think about the fact that they wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed anymore.

“Oh, yeah.” He says dumbly. “No actually - I’ll go do that. You can sleep in our room.”

Yeonjun nods and gets up. He looks unsure, wiping his cheek in hesitation.

“What do we usually do before we sleep?”

“We say good night.”

He still looks confused, out of place, but he manages a smile. For once, it doesn’t look forced or sad. Maybe it looks like a hint of acceptance. Soobin hopes it is.

“Good night then, Soobin.”

“Good night,” Soobin answers, and he stops himself from saying _my love_. “Yeonjun.”

Soobin pretends it doesn’t break him.

*

When Soobin wakes up, Yeonjun is already in the kitchen, still in his pajamas. His hair is unkempt and messy, and his eyes aren’t fully open yet, still heavy with sleep. There is color on his cheeks, and Soobin is glad he doesn’t look sick anymore.

“Have you been up for long?” Soobin asks, taking two slices of bread from the counter and sitting across from him. He puts butter on them evenly, as he takes a brief glance at Yeonjun’s still sluggish form.

“Nah, just five minutes ago,” Yeonjun tilts his head, looking at him in the eyes. “It’s Saturday. What do we usually do on Saturday?”

Soobin thinks about it for a moment. They do a lot of things on Saturday.

Sometimes, they spent the entire morning in bed, wrapped around each other. Yeonjun had always liked looking at Soobin. He would put his chin on Soobin’s chest and look at him, not even saying anything, and his eyes would roam Soobin’s face, like he was memorizing his every details. Soobin would always get flustered, getting attention from Yeonjun, even back when they were still dating, even when they just got married, even months into their marriage - Soobin had always felt shy whenever Yeonjun stared at him without a word. He asked him one day, the reason why he did that. Yeonjun had shaken his head, his lips forming a fond smile, saying a simple: _because I love you._

Sometimes, Yeonjun had an extra class at his dance studio and if he didn’t have any work, Soobin would accompany him. He would watch him by the corner and observed the way he moved, the way he was so attentive and caring of his students. Soobin was happy to do just that. He didn’t think he wanted anything else.

Sometimes, they went on a date. They never did anything too fancy, just a simple dinner at their favorite restaurant, and they would come home with happiness settling inside and it always felt like forever, what they had.

_It wasn’t forever._

“We do a lot of things,” Soobin replies simply, because it is easier than to explain everything they used to do. “Is there anything you want to do today?”

“I’m curious about my work.”

“I already called your studio. You can come back on Monday, if you’re up for it.” Soobin carefully puts the bread slices in the toaster. “They said they will give you a few weeks to decide.”

“I’ll think about it. What are you up to today?”

“I have to meet a client,” Soobin sits back on the chair, frowning. He doesn’t want to leave their apartment, but work is work, he supposes. “Sorry I can’t cancel.”

“It’s okay,” Yeonjun says, pursing his lips. “I’ll find something to do.”

Soobin nods, even when he doesn’t want to leave Yeonjun alone, but he can’t really do anything about it. It’s not about not trusting Yeonjun or thinking that he can’t handle himself, this is more about _him,_ and how he still can’t let the accident go out of his mind. It’s still fresh in his mind - the ringing in his ears, the sudden force. He still remembers the last second before their car got hit, remember Yeonjun pulling him in a kiss, his hands carding in his hair. He remembers how Yeonjun smelled fresh, like his favorite perfume, and his lips were cold.

Soobin can’t let it go. No matter how hard he tries. He still remembers everything.

He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s scared.

The sound of the toaster brings him back to reality. He doesn’t know how long he dozed off, but Yeonjun takes the slices of bread out and puts one of them in front of Soobin with a plate underneath.

“Here you go.”

“Thanks,” Soobin wants to cry and he doesn’t know if it’s the fact that they’re having breakfast together, or if it is because Yeonjun’s here, and he’s smiling.

*

Yeonjun isn’t sure who the person in front of him is. He’s tall, _much_ taller than him, dark mop of hair in his head, and he looks like he’s just seen a ghost.

“Oh, sorry,” The man steps back from the door, as if it offended him. He flinches and puts his hands out, as though to indicate that he means no harm. “I thought Soobin-hyung is here, too. I can come back when he’s home.”

“You want to meet Soobin?” Yeonjun asks, wondering if he’s one of his clients or something. “He’s at work.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know that he’s not going to be here. I’ll come back later, then.”

“Do you need anything?” Yeonjun is still looking at him, but the stranger doesn’t meet his eyes. “I can give Soobin your message.”

“No, _no,_ it wasn’t him I want to meet. It’s - it’s _you_.”

Yeonjun is confused. “Why are you coming back later then, if I’m here?”

“I don’t want to freak you out. I know you don’t remember me,” He says, wincing, holding his nape.

“Oh,” Yeonjun nods, starting to undertand. The stranger doesn’t want to meet him alone because Yeonjun can’t remember him, and meeting him with Soobin would surely clear things up. “That’s okay. I won’t freak out. Promise.”

He looks relieved, his shoulders finally slumping and not tense. “That’s good then,” he offers his hand, smiling sheepishly. “Uh, hi. This is weird because we’re quite close, actually, but - hi, Yeonjun-hyung. I’m Huening Kai, your neighbour.”

Yeonjun accepts his hand, returning the smile. “Hello there. Thank you for introducing yourself. Uh, wanna come in?”

“Sure.”

Huening Kai lets himself in like he had done it a thousand times before, and he probably has. He sits himself on the couch and Yeonjun takes the spot beside him.

“Hyung, I’m so happy you’re back. I’m glad to see you’re okay.”

Yeonjun lets out a small laugh, and it’s ridiculous because he knows he doesn’t remember him, but his presence feels so familiar somehow. Maybe it’s because of his calming and friendly presence, and he really appreciates it, especially how he really went out of his way to make Yeonjun comfortable, making sure that he won’t get scared by a stranger claiming to be a close friend.

“My head is fine,” Yeonjun says, shrugging. “But, yeah. I’m not in a hospital bed anymore.”

“It wasn’t the same without both of you here,” Huening Kai scrunches his nose, like he was recalling a bad memory. Maybe it was for him. “We used to hold movie nights, you know, every few weeks. They were a lot fun.”

Yeonjun thinks that sounds nice, having a close neighbor, to the point that they often spend nights together, just to have fun. Too bad he can’t remember.

“Yeah. Sorry. I don’t. I can’t -”

“I know,” He cuts him off, waving his hand as if to say it’s not a big deal. “Soobin-hyung told me. That you don’t remember a lot of your life here.”

Yeonjun nods, thinking about Soobin and his sweet smile. He doesn’t know why it hurts to think about him. “Yeah.”

“He said you don’t remember him.”

Yeonjun nods again, pursing his lips. Unsure what to say.

“Do you want to know anything? I can answer for you.”

There are a lot that he wants to know, but there’s one that’s persistently nagging on his mind ever since he woke up. “Was I happy?”

Huening Kai doesn’t even think about it, just nods. “Yeah. You were.”

“Why are you so sure?”

“You told me all the time. But you didn’t have to, I could always see it.” He says, and it sounds so simple, so _free._

Yeonjun wonders why that is. He doesn’t know much about the life that he had, the only thing that he knows about himself right now is that he graduated a few years ago, became a dance teacher, and is married to a man he doesn’t recognize.

It’s a blur, but in his mind, he’s still just a year in college, a dance student, here at Seoul Institute of Arts. He remembers the train ride from Daegu, when he left that part of him behind. He remembers the home that he had and the new one that he built here.

Yeonjun also remembers Beomgyu and how they promised to still have a relationship when they were apart. Beomgyu was the one who thought they could make long distance relationship work, saying that Seoul isn’t that far from Daegu and that it would still feel like they were near, in the same orbit. He remembers their late night phone calls, how Beomgyu’s laugh resonated into the night and through his dorm room, settling in his heart.

He remembers being in love, but not with Soobin.

Not with the guy he married.

Yeonjun doesn’t understand why they broke up. He’s so sure he was in love and wanted nothing else but for them to work out.

He wants to understand who he is, who he _was_ , because this is an entirely new him that he doesn’t know.

“Was Soobin happy?”

“Yeah.”

There is one last thing, and Yeonjun sighs, his chest tightening. “Were we?”

This time, Huening Kai doesn’t say anything, just a simple nod, an immediate response.

Yeonjun doesn’t know why it makes him uncomfortable, hearing about his past that he has no recollection about from someone else’s mouth. It makes him wince to think about Soobin, a man he doesn’t know, a man he married, a man that he supposedly loves, but can’t _remember._

It makes him feel guilty because he knows. He knows how Soobin loves him. He doesn’t remember, but he knows because it’s apparent in _everything_ that he does.

Yeonjun has only known him for weeks, but it is obvious that Soobin has known him for much longer. He can see the years of recognition and familiarity so ingrained in him, reflected in his eyes, in his hands, in the way that he says his name.

It makes him feel like he’s done something _wrong_.

“Hyung?”

Yeonjun feels panic rising inside him, and he closes his eyes, trying to shut it out. “Sorry. It’s a lot to take in.”

“It’s okay, hyung. I understand.” Huening Kai reassures. “I can come back later if you want.”

Yeonjun shakes his head against his palm, feeling pathetic all of a sudden. “No, you don’t have to. We can do something -”

“Okay,” Kai says quietly, and turns the TV on. Yeonjun watches him slump against the couch comfortably, and then he starts talking.

He’s barely listening, but Kai’s voice is calming and present, and Yeonjun breathes.

*

“Do you want to watch a movie?”

Yeonjun stares at him quietly from the couch. Soobin is wearing an oversize hoodie and baggy sweatpants. He looks comfortable, his black hair flopping on his eyes.

He looks _childish_ , almost, with the way his eyes shine, as he looks at him expectantly. They’re back on the couch again after eating dinner, and Soobin’s sitting on the far end of it, giving him space.

Yeonjun thinks about it, wondering. “Sure. What’s your favorite movie?”

Soobin looks surprised by the sudden question and he ducks his head, almost like he’s embarrassed. “Uh, I really love the MCU.”

“Cool. What’s your favorite from the MCU?”

“Infinity War.”

Yeonjun doesn’t recall the title, and he figures it probably came out only recently. Soobin seems to catch his confusion, though. “It’s the new one.”

“Okay,” He says, but Soobin is still looking down, refusing to meet his eyes. “Why?”

“I lied,” Soobin says sheepishly.

“About?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I _love_ Infinity War. But it’s not my favorite,” Soobin clicks on the remote, typing on Netflix. “This is actually my favorite.”

Tangled unexpectedly starts playing.

“Oh,” Yeonjun says, staring as the screen turns bright. He knows this movie, he’s watched it before. This discovery forces a smile on his lips, and he can’t help but look at Soobin, whose cheeks are tinted pink. “Rapunzel?”

“Yeah,” Soobin confirms, nodding, meeting his eyes for a second before looking at the television again. “I think she’s lovely.”

“She is, isn’t she?” Yeonjun laughs, but not to ridicule.

“We used to watch this whenever one of us had a bad day,” He explains, laughing softly with him. He looks like he’s reminiscing of a memory Yeonjun can’t possibly see. “If my client was being difficult, or if you were exhausted from work, we would silently turn this on and we would _understand_ what it means without saying anything. It was my comfort movie, but it became yours too.”

Yeonjun stares at the opening of the movie, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. It’s intimate, he thinks, to be able to understand someone without uttering a single word.

“Hey, Soobin?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we. Uh - watch something else?” Yeonjun straightens up because this is something he’s been wanting to ask.

“Of course, what do you want?” Soobin quickly grabs the remote again and Yeonjun holds him down, his fingers wrapping around his wrist.

“Uh,” He clears his throat, suddenly nervous, retreating his hand. “It’s not on Netflix.”

Soobin looks confused. “Okay.”

“I don’t know if we have it, but. Can we watch our wedding?”

Soobin blinks, and something flashes in his eyes, so quick that Yeonjun almost didn’t catch it. Before Yeonjun can figure out what it means, he nods and gets up, walking to their room. It takes him a few minutes, but when’s back, there’s a flashdick in his hand. He walks to the television and plugs it in.

Soobin is back on his side and Yeonjun can feel his warmth, even when they’re not touching. Yeonjun stares at the blank screen and doesn’t know what to expect.

The video plays.

The venue looks nice, decorated, simple and yet beautiful. He can see people he doesn’t know smiling to the camera and they look so happy, their eyes bright. Yeonjun wishes he could feel it too, although he know that he did, back then, during this moment in time that he doesn’t have in his mind anymore. It makes him long for it - misses it, even.

Then the scene changes, and it’s Soobin, being applied make up. He’s laughing over something that someone said off camera, his eyes crinkling on the edges. Yeonjun hasn’t seen him like that, so inherently full of joy, like he had the world in his hands. Soobin looks handsome, his dark hair styled, and there are dimples on his cheeks. He can understand why he would fall in love with him in that cafe, can picture him walking through the door and how he caught his eyes for the first time.

The scene changes again, and now it’s _him._ Yeonjun stares at the man on the screen, at the man that looks and sounds like him, but doesn’t recognize. He has the same smile as Soobin from before, a smile he doesn’t know he could ever make, and he looks bright, almost like the sun. Someone’s styling his hair, and he can’t stop smiling.

“ _Yeonjun-ah, how do you feel?_ ”

“ _Happy.”_

The altar looks breathtaking and like a dream, exactly how he has always imagined it to be. Soobin appears again on the screen, and he’s walking hand-in-hand with an older man.

“That’s my brother,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun can hear the breath caught in his throat, as if he was watching it for the first time, just like him.

Yeonjun watches quietly as they reach the altar. Then it’s Yeonjun’s turn and he’s walking with his dad, his arm secure on his dad’s grip. They look happy, and his dad is shining with so much joy it makes him look young. He wonders how his dad would feel now, knowing that this part of his life is completely erased, gone. Yeonjun almost can’t watch it, his chest clenching, knowing that something this beautiful happened to him, but he can’t _remember_ , no matter how much he tries to dig his mind.

The camera pans to Soobin watching Yeonjun walks the aisle, and he’s beaming. It hurts to see Soobin look at him like that, even when Yeonjun can’t remember the life that they had, even when he’s only known him for a few weeks. Soobin always looks at him like that, he realizes - the same way he did in the hospital, the same way he did when they first got home, the same way he does when he thinks Yeonjun’s not looking. But it’s different, to see it on the screen, to see it so bare in his face, like he couldn’t hide it even if he tried.

Yeonjun has arrived at the altar now and they’re standing across from each other. Soobin reaches for his hands, holding them tight.

“ _Yeonjun,”_ Soobin starts his vow, and he looks content, like he’s finally home. “ _I won’t say that I’ve known it was going to be you from the very first time that we met, or that I’ve figured it out ever since you came into my life. I won’t say that I knew when I saw you in that cafe, with your apron, your hair electric blue. I won’t say that it was love at first sight because it wasn’t - but I can tell you that I knew then you were going to change my life_.”

He takes a deep breath, and he’s looking at Yeonjun with such adoration it’s suffocating. “ _I love you. I don’t know how else to say it. Sometimes I don’t have the words to tell you just how much. But - I’m going to try. Yeonjun, my love, I promise to hold your heart and carry your burden when you can’t. I promise to be with you when it’s easy and when it’s hard. I promise to make you happy whatever it takes. I vow to be your strength and I will love you to the end of time.”_

Soobin’s smiling again and it looks like he’s not holding back, as though he’s finally free of _everything_. He’s welling up, but it looks like happiness more than anything. “ _I love you. I don’t care if you’re tired of hearing it. I don’t care if it’s the only thing I would ever say to you because that has always been the truth and it will always be the truth. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you._ ”

Yeonjun laughs softly even when there are tears in his eyes. There is so much depth in the way he looks at him, intimate - like no one else is supposed to see it. “ _You said it wasn’t love at first sight, but I think it was for me. I looked at you from that counter and somehow I knew in my heart that it was going to be you. Soobin-ah, I promise to cherish and care for you even when you push me away. I promise to be with you no matter what happens and to hold your hand when there’s nothing else you want to do but lie in bed. I promise to watch Tangled with you whenever you want, even if it’s at Sunday night, or Monday morning, I’d watch it with you again and again.”_

Soobin cries at that, the tears flowing down to his cheeks. Yeonjun pulls him closer and holds the tears with his fingertips, drying them off. “ _Soobin-ah, I vow to fall in love with you, today, tomorrow, the day after, and everyday since.”_

The officiant pronounces them as husband and husband, and Yeonjun is the one who leans in first, taking him by the shoulder and pulling him in a slow kiss. The crowd cheers and cries, but moreso, they look overwhelmingly happy.

Yeonjun closes his eyes, trying to stop the rapid beating of his heart. He knows the video is still playing, but there’s something uneasy building inside of his chest and makes him feel sick. He can hear the remote clicking and the sound cuts off. Soobin moves beside him.

“Hey, _hey_. Junie, you okay?”

He doesn’t know what to think, and he knows he’s going to cry, the uneasy feeling in his chest rising each time he takes a deep breath.

“ _Junie_ , hey. It’s okay. I’m here.”

There’s a hand on his shoulder and Yeonjun buries his face further into his hands, feeling them damp as he cries. It’s just too much for him to handle, a lot to take in, and it feels like his head is going to explode.

Soobin’s talking, reassuring him, his voice blurring to the back of his mind, but it grounds him too, helping him realize he’s actually _here_ , and not back to whatever happened in their car a month ago.

When he finally calms down, he looks up, and through the tears in his eyes, he can see Soobin looking at him, but his eyes are also wet.

“Junie, why did you cry?”

“Sorry,” He says, because he doesn’t know how to convey what he actually feels inside. He’s just confused, hurt, _unsure,_ and a lot of other emotions that he can’t pinpoint yet. “Just - a lot to take in.” he adds after, and it’s a reason he’s said before, but it’s the truth. It feels as though there is an invisible hand shoving cotton balls to his skull until the edges fill up, making it hard for him to think clearly.

Soobin’s quiet for a moment, taking his time to stare at Yeonjun, like he’s making sure of something. “Maybe we should take it slow. It’s overwhelming to you so we shouldn’t show you anything about the past like this anymore. Maybe little things here and there, but not like this again. Okay?”

Yeonjun nods, and he realizes that Soobin also cried, the traces of tears linger on his skin. He knows this hurts him too, probably more than Yeonjun can ever understand, but knowing that Soobin isn’t mad at _him,_ or that he’s not crying any louder than him, it says _a lot_ \- and Yeonjun doesn’t think he wants to unpack that, at least not now.

“Junie _,_ ” Soobin says, and it’s that nickname again, one he’s never heard before coming out of his mouth. It sounds familiar, even if it’s his first time hearing it. “I just want you to know that. I want you to be okay. That’s all I want.”

He stops just to hold Yeonjun’s hand, squeezing it. Yeonjun looks at him, and there’s a tight line on his lips, so much that he’s holding back, unlike when he said his vow and there was so much freedom in the lines of his face. Yeonjun realizes this is the same Soobin on the screen, but the man in front of him is hurting and aching.

“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun breathes out, and guilt consuming him whole. “I promise I’m trying.”

“I know. I know you are. It’s okay,” Soobin says softly. “We’re going to be okay, Yeonjun.”

He can’t stop replaying his own vow in his head, the promises that he said, and how he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to fulfill them all. Yeonjun in the video looks so in _love,_ so _sure_ , so _happy,_ and he’s doesn’t feel any of that now.

But Soobin’s here and he’s holding him still, his hand a reassuring presence against his own. Yeonjun sees something glinting, and he realizes it’s Soobin’s wedding ring, safely tucked in his finger.

“Okay,” he says, and thinks it sounds a lot like another promise.

*

Yeonjun’s mom calls Soobin that night, after Yeonjun goes to their room and Soobin goes to their spare. He didn’t even get the chance to sit on the bed before his phone rings loudly. When he picks up, she greets him, but a deep sigh follows after.

“ _Soobin-ah,_ ” She says softly, he almost couldn’t hear it. “ _How is Yeonjun_?”

“He’s okay,” Soobin purses his lips, thinking about Yeonjun on the couch and the way his shoulders trembled as he cried. He thinks about him, and he wonders if he’s really okay. “He just gets... overwhelmed, sometimes.”

“ _He still doesn’t remember you?_ ” She asks slowly, deliberate and careful.

“No,” he sighs, laying himself on the bed, putting the phone between his ear and the pillow.

“ _How about you? How are you?_ ”

Soobin wants to cry, hearing her voice, so sweet and caring. “Don’t worry about me, Ma.”

She doesn’t say anything after, and Soobin could hear the weight of her silence. He can almost see the hesitance, the quick blinking of her eyelids. They’ve always been close - him and Yeonjun’s parents. They had always loved him back, accepted him, never once doubted his love for their son. It makes him tear up a little bit, despite the fact that he already did back in the living room.

“ _I worry about you too,”_ She says sincerely. “ _I will always worry about you both_.”

Soobin doesn’t know what to say. He feels guilty, the heaviness in his chest like a burden. There’s so much hurt that he carries, but he knows he has to keep it to himself. It’s Yeonjun who needs to be taken care of. It was Yeonjun who got the shorter end of the stick, who needs to suffer more, who had a part of him ripped away, just like that, in a matter of a second.

He would never admit this out loud, but it feels unfair that he got out of it a whole - unwounded, almost. It’s like a form cheating, being able to get out of the accident with everything of himself intact, meanwhile Yeonjun woke up with a part of him gone.

They said his memories could come back. Soobin doesn’t know the amount of truth in it, and if it was simply wishful thinking, a promise meant to spark momentarily but never meant to last.

“ _Soobin-ah,_ ” She says, bringing him back to reality.

“Yes, Ma.”

“ _Next week, can you visit us?”_ She sounds hopeful, and it breaks Soobin’s heart. They haven’t been visiting as frequently as they should’ve. “ _I would love to see you both again. Especially after..._ ”

Soobin can’t imagine how it feels to be in her shoes. Yeonjun’s parents visited the hospital when Yeonjun was still in a coma, and they were so broken, their sadness like waves. Soobin almost lost him, but it only dawned on him then that they almost lost their son too.

“Of course. I’ll talk to Yeonjun about it. If he feels fine enough to travel, we’ll go...”

He can hear her sigh, but this time it doesn’t sound like it is from stress, or pain, instead it sounds a lot more like relief. “ _Okay, Soobin-ah. It’s late. Sleep, okay? I’m going to call Yeonjun now.”_

 _“_ Okay. Good night, Ma.”

“ _Good night, honey. Sleep well._ ”

Soobin doesn’t, not in a few hours, not after midnight - even when his eyes are burning and nothing feels right.

*

“My mom called me last night.”

They’re having breakfast again. Yeonjun sits by the dining table still in his pajamas, his eyes puffy from sleep. He looks a lot better, Soobin thinks, and he doesn’t look as out of place. Soobin nods and listens to him from the stove as he watches the egg sizzling on the pan. They woke up at the same time again, being so used to waking up in the morning. Even if Yeonjun didn’t remember a lot of his life with Soobin, maybe his body did, wiring him to jolt his consciousness awake during this hour.

Yeonjun doesn’t talk about the wedding video, or how he cried after, how they both did. He doesn’t look like he’s thinking about it either, so Soobin decides to leave it at that, doesn’t want to bring up something they’re both not comfortable talking about.

“She called me too,” he says after a beat of silence.

“Yeah? What’d she say?”

“Same thing with you, I guess. Uh,” Soobin starts, scratching his cheek, still tired and sleepy. “She wants us to visit Daegu.”

“Can we?”

Soobin turns back to look at Yeonjun who is already looking at him with big, hopeful eyes. He gapes, suddenly feeling helpless. He never could say no to him, even if didn’t even plan to in the first place.

“Of course,” he says. “Do you think you’ll be okay?”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun stretches his hands, yawning, his hair flopping on his forehead. There is a faint smile on his lips, and it looks so _familiar_ , welcoming. “I feel fine. Seriously.”

“Okay,” Soobin nods at the pan, watching the egg intently, as if it had the secret of the universe hidden in its yolk. “We’ll go, then.”

“Are you going to drive?”

Soobin nods again, trying to ignore the warm feeling in his stomach. This is way too comfortable for his liking, the way Yeonjun speaks to him with that soft lilt of his voice. It’s too much like how it used to be - the early sunlight peering through the windows, how Yeonjun’s hands are propped on his chin. He thinks maybe he simply misses this, and it’s just hitting him more this morning.

“Are you free today?”

“Yeah,” Soobin scrambles the egg, pushing his thoughts to the back of his mind. “Why?”

“Can we... go out?” Yeonjun says carefully, Soobin can almost hear the gears on his head turning. “Kind of want to see this neighbourhood.”

“Oh,” Soobin is staring again, nothing in particular - the darkened edge of the pan, his clasped hands, the way the curtain moves against the wind. Everything but Yeonjun. “Really?”

“I want to see where I used to live. Well, live - I guess.”

He watches the egg slowly as it turns the perfect yellow. He’s still groggy from lack of sleep, and he can’t remember that he was supposed to respond, his mind clouded with exhaustion. It’s quiet for a moment as he prepares everything and sets both plates on the table.

“Do you always prepare breakfast or is this because I just got out of the hospital?” Yeonjun questions, raising his brows from across the table.

Soobin laughs. “It’s kind of my thing. Your thing is waiting for me to finish.”

Yeonjun is the one good at cooking out of the two of them - it’s not like Soobin’s _bad_ at it, he just doesn’t really enjoy it, and he can’t really rely on feeling or instinct when it comes to this, unlike Yeonjun who seems natural and in his element when he’s in the kitchen. He’s always adamant about making breakfast because it’s easy enough and he can’t possibly mess it up. This is what their usual mornings look like - both still gruff with sleep, Soobin in front of the stove, and Yeonjun sitting on the chair, waiting patiently. He likes it, always, early mornings with Yeonjun, feels like the world is waking up with them, and they’re living in a singular moment reserved just for them.

“Can’t believe I managed to secure such a perfect man and doesn’t even remember,” Yeonjun puts a handful of eggs and bread in his mouth, and there’s a spreading grin on his lips. He looks disheveled, his hair askew and sleep lingering heavy in his eyelids, but Soobin still wants him more than anything else in the world.

Maybe it’s because of how content he feels right now - there’s a perfect amount of sunlight, he’s in that state of consciousness where he feels like _floating_ , or maybe it’s the fact that Yeonjun’s here and Soobin misses him so badly that he says without thinking. “Do you want to?”

“Huh?”

“Do you want to,” Soobin repeats, shoving the spoon in his mouth, because there’s no backing out now. “Remember?”

Yeonjun stares at him, unblinking, as if he’s still processing his question. Soobin wonders how he does it, that it’s been years after they met, a year after they got married, and somehow it still aches in his heart when they lock eyes, when they recognize one another in their shared gaze. Soobin wonders how he manages to take his breath away, always, even _years_ after it happened the first time.

“Do you want to remember me?” He repeats again, suddenly engulfed in dread. Maybe it’s too much of a question. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked him at all, let alone do it over breakfast.

Yeonjun is still staring at him. He looks like he’s contemplating, figuring it out, or maybe he’s just observing, his eyes moving over Soobin’s face like he’s trying to slot a missing piece to an uncomplete picture.

“Of course I do,” Yeonjun finally breathes out, incredibly soft, and Soobin thinks it sounds like the bell ringing when he first opened the door and saw him behind the counter. “But you need to help me. I can’t do it by myself.”

“Yeah,” Soobin nods, agreeing immediately, even when he doesn’t believe what he’s hearing. They haven’t talked about it, their marriage, and where they stand after the accident. Soobin didn’t plan to ask him about it this early, not until he’s ready, but he’s glad that they’re already _here_. What Yeonjun just said, it sounds like confirmation, even when it’s not much, not at all, but it’s _enough_.

Across from him, Yeonjun’s still staring at him. He’s figuring him out, he can feel it, and Soobin simply lets him, defenseless anyway. Lets him take what he wants, lets him see what he needs.

“So, can we be friends?” Yeonjun offers.

Soobin can’t help but laugh. Giddy, even when he knows that it’s stupid to feel that way, considering the grand scheme of things. This is his _husband,_ asking to be _friends_. He should be hysterical, a little sad maybe, but he doesn’t care. He just feels... oddly happy.

“Friends,” Soobin accepts, and he thinks it’s the best deal he’s ever gotten.

*

Soobin takes Yeonjun grocery shopping in the afternoon. It’s such a simple thing, and yet he feels like they’re going on a date, his nerves screaming excitedly. Maybe it’s the fact that he hasn’t felt this in a while, was too accustomed living inside that suffocating hospital room. It makes his inside bubbling with joy, especially when the door opens and he sees the row of shopping carts. Yeonjun is smiling too, and he’s looking at Soobin like he’s amused, probably noting his silly eagerness.

“Are you okay?” He says, his lips pursing tight, as though he was holding in his laugh. Soobin thinks Yeonjun knows exactly why he’s acting like this, but decides not to comment for his own sake. Yeonjun takes one of the carts and starts walking, Soobin tailing closely.

“I take grocery shopping very seriously.”

Yeonjun only raises his brow, a small laugh escaping his mouth. “Sure. What do we need?”

They take a quick route to put essentials like eggs, milk, rice, and meat in their cart. Yeonjun’s quiet, but Soobin knows he’s listening to him, making a mental note of what they usually buy every week. At the end of it, Yeonjun nods and says he understands. Soobin thinks it’s sweet that he’s making effort and doing his best to fall back to their routine. It feels like another confirmation, that he’s willing to _try,_ and Soobin can’t help the spark of hope igniting in his chest.

Yeonjun reaches the vegetable aisle first, and when Soobin looks at him, he’s giggling to himself.

“Jun,” Soobin says, confused. “What are you laughing at?”

He turns around and he’s holding a lettuce with both hands. He’s sniffling, shoulders shaking with laughter, his eyes growing small. Soobin feels like he knows what’s coming.

“Soobin, what do veggies say on their birthdays?”

“What?”

“ _Lettuce_ celebrate!”

Soobin laughs, not because it’s funny, but it’s a pun he’s heard from Yeonjun before. Probably heard it the same way before, in a vegetable aisle, with Yeonjun cracking up from his own joke.

“Soobin,” Yeonjun starts again, and now there’s a potato on his hold. His face is bright red, and he’s looking at Soobin excitedly, like a toddler about to show off his new toy. “I’d tell you a joke about potato.... I just don’t know where to starch!”

He laughs again, leaning against the cart, his face hidden on his palms. Soobin watches him fondly, realizing nothing really has changed - still the same corny jokes, the same laugh, the same man, after all.

Soobin pokes his shoulder until Yeonjun looks up. He points at the potato on his grip, and Yeonjun gives it to him confusedly.

“Junie,” he says, cradling the potato like a baby. “Do you know what one sweet potato say to the other?”

“What?”

Soobin laughs before he could even say the joke, and Yeonjun follows, his voice echoing in his eardrums.

“I _yam_ impressed!”

He cringes at himself, but Yeonjun thinks it’s the funniest joke in the entire world that his entire body shakes from the gravity of his laugh.

“God,” Soobin wipes his face tiredly. It’s not even _that_ funny. “We’re embarrassing.”

Yeonjun snorts and pushes the cart forward. “They’re _staring,_ oh my God, I’m so sorry-”

He notices that some customers are staring curiously at them, probably wondering what they’re laughing at.

“You’re not sorry,” he says observantly, looking at a sheepish Yeonjun.

“I’m really not.”

They continue shopping after that, not another pun uttered from either of their mouths, and Soobin lets himself enjoy it - the quiet look from Yeonjun when he finds a snack, the small squeak of their cart against the floor.

They put the grocery in the car, Yeonjun carrying most of them because he claims he’s stronger than him (he is), and as Soobin opens the door, Yeonjun pops a question.

“Hey, can we get something? To eat?”

Soobin walks beside him as they pace on the sidewalk. The sun’s out, which is nice, casting a comfortable warmth on their body. It feels good to be out after spending too much time stressed out in a hospital room, and he can feel it on Yeonjun too, the way he’s skipping lightly on his feet.

They spend the rest of the afternoon in the restaurant, ordering different food, and tasting each other’s meals. Yeonjun talks, not as much as he used to, but he looks like he’s opening up slowly, and his eyes are much softer. Soobin’s just glad he’s feeling fine, noting his rosy cheeks, the way his lips form a smile. He still remembers his unmoving body, his cold skin, how he used to press the pulse on his wrist with his fingertip to remind himself that Yeonjun is still _here_ and he would come back to him. It sends a pang to his chest to see him in front of him again, his laugh such a precious thing in his ears.

When they finish, it’s already evening and the sky is much darker than before. Soobin feels content, like this is all he wants, that having Yeonjun by his side is more than enough.

“Soobin,” Yeonjun calls, prying his attention. “Let’s get ice cream?”

So they did, going to their favorite ice cream place, the one near the grocery store. With both ice creams in their hands, they walk back to the store and sit inside their parked car. He opens the windows a little to let the air in.

“Mm. This is really good.” Yeonjun says with a mouthful of ice cream.

“Of course, it’s your favorite.”

He nods, and there’s silence after. It’s not uncomfortable, never has been with Yeonjun, their shared silence always feels like comfort instead of burden.

“I want to go to work tomorrow.”

Soobin lets the ice melts on his tongue before he nods. “You sure?”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun says, but there’s hesitance, as though he’s having a debate with himself. “Is that okay? I don’t actually know what I should do.”

“I told you they’re going to give you a few weeks,” Soobin answers after a moment. “It’s okay if you just want to see for yourself. There is a class tomorrow, you could watch if you want.”

Yeonjun nods, shaking the ice cream cone lightly, like he isn’t aware of doing it. “In my mind,” he says suddenly, and it sounds vulnerable, fragile. “I’m still first year into uni.”

Soobin wonders what that feels like. He knows it’s Yeonjun beside him, but it’s also Yeonjun with a few years cut back, with years of experiences and feelings unlearned. The man that he knows has graduated, gotten married, has a great career, meanwhile the man with him now has just moved from Daegu, adapting life in Seoul, not even half into university.

“It’s kind of weird, honestly.” Yeonjun confesses, wincing, audibly crunching the cone.

“What is?”

“Everything - seems like there is a hole in my head, a missing piece that I can’t possibly grasp. I can’t wrap my head around it. That this is my life, that I’ve somehow succedeed in everything that I wanted to do. Back in Daegu, this is all I dreamed about - graduating, becoming a dance teacher, maybe settling down. I have it all now, but I don’t... remember.”

Soobin listens as he watches people walking through the parking lot and pushing their carts.

“Feels like they’re stolen from me. My memories. I’ve achieved everything I wanted in life, and yet I don’t feel like _I_ have.” Yeonjun lets out a dragged out sigh, and Soobin can hear the frustration in his voice. “I don’t know how to put it into words. I just think it’s - unfair.”

Soobin doesn’t understand, no matter how much he wants to, not in the level that he wants, but he nods and acknowledges him. He thinks nothing he could say would ever make it better, and maybe it’s best to stay quiet and simply listen.

“And, also. I met _you_ ,” Yeonjun declares, his breath caught in his throat. It lingers in the air for a moment, crystallized. “It’s unfair that I don’t remember meeting you. Or remember you at all.”

Soobin’s cone is half gone, but he still doesn’t say anything. He lets Yeonjun speak and pours his heart out. It undeniably hurts him too, especially seeing him like this, but he knows it’s not his turn to speak.

“Sorry,” Yeonjun says, chuckling softly, the sound resounding in the small space of their car. “That came out of nowhere.”

“No, it’s okay. I’m glad you let it out.”

“Thank you for listening to me.”

“Thank you for telling me.” Soobin says softly and it comes from the bottom of his heart. He’s glad that Yeonjun was able to do that, maybe then the weight would be off his chest.

Yeonjun looks at him, and Soobin thinks his eyes are shining, probably from the light. He gives him a smile - a little sad, but also hopeful.

“Today was fun, by the way.” Yeonjun says, and just like that, he looks like he’s back to himself again. He rests his body on the cushion. “We should do this again.”

Soobin laughs, finishing his last bite of ice cream. “Sure. Let’s hang out more. It’s not like we’re married or anything.”

“Shut up,” Yeonjun says, but there’s no bite to it. “Friendly hangout between married couple is a thing, you know.”

“Sure,” Soobin snickers, dusting his hands on his jeans - it’s a little gross, but whatever. “Let’s head back?”

Yeonjun nods, and Soobin doesn’t say it, but he can see his growing smile reflected on the window.

*

“Hey, you’re going to do fine,” Soobin says as he parks the car on the side of the street.

Yeonjun bites his lip nervously and stares at the building of the dance studio he works in. It’s a little crowded and quite far from their apartment that it stresses him out even more, the fact that this will be the first new place he’d step in after the accident. Ever since he woke up, Soobin has been there by his side to help and guide him, and although it isn’t entirely new for him to embark on a journey alone or whatever, this is still something he isn’t familiar with because he doesn’t remember this part of his life.

When he keeps quiet, Soobin asks worriedly. “You okay?”

“Just nervous, I guess.” Yeonjun shakes his head, trying to shove the tension off his shoulders. He doesn’t know why it bothers him so much. It’s not like he’s going to work immediately, he’s just checking it out first. It still makes him uncomfortably nervous, his stomach twisting in knots.

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” He tries to find a concrete answer through his jumbled mind, and it’s there, at the back of his head, he’s just not sure how to voice it out. “I just don’t know what to expect.” he adds, settling with that instead.

Deep inside, he thinks he knows why. This has been his dream for a long time, before he even moved to Seoul, back when he was just a boy in Daegu aiming for something bigger and higher than himself. He’s happy that he was able to achieve it - he’s here now, and it’s not a dream anymore, but what if it wasn’t what he thought it would be? What if it wasn’t... the grand thing he had envisioned?

He knows that this is a life that he had lead before, but it wasn’t _him._ He wasn’t the one who achieved this. He didn’t experience the _years_ of hard work that past Yeonjun must have endured.

“What are you thinking about?”

Yeonjun emits a long sigh out of his mouth, trying to breathe out the anxiety out of his body. Soobin’s looking at him with concern, his eyebrows furrowing together, his lips tight. He realizes he does that a lot - _worry._

“You love to dance,” Soobin starts when Yeonjun doesn’t answer, wiping a strand of hair off his forehead. “You used to dance everywhere. You have the most fun when you dance. It’s like... nothing else matters to you.”

There’s that look in his eyes, one that Yeonjun hasn’t figured out what it means yet.

“So - don’t worry about it, Junie. Just have fun today. Don’t think about anything else. I know you’re going to do okay.”

Yeonjun has no idea why it calms him down to hear the convinction in his voice, and the way his smile blooms slowly on his lips.

Yeah. He can do that.

“Okay,” He says, feeling his chest warms up quickly for a reason he can’t comprehend. “Thanks.”

“Good luck!” Soobin gives him a thumbs up, his dimples appearing on his cheeks, making him look younger. Yeonjun has the urge to poke them. “I’ll pick you up later, okay? Call me if you ever need anything.”

Yeonjun waves as the car drives away.

*

The dance teacher has bright red hair and a sweet smile.

“Yeonjun-hyung,” he says cheerfully, looking like he’s genuinely happy to see him. “It’s so good to have you back.”

“Good to see you too. Uh,” Yeonjun blinks, offering his hand. “Sorry - I’m sure you know this but I had an accident and I don’t -”

He immediately cuts him off, waving his hand dismissively, “Don’t worry about it! I’m Kang Taehyun,” he accepts his hand and shakes it firmly. “We’ve been working together for quite a long time, actually. I’ve been taking over your classes when you were away. Hope that’s okay.”

Yeonjun nods, following beside Taehyung and walking deeper into the studio. No one’s here yet, and it’s silent except from their footsteps, just them in the brightly light room, their reflection on the mirror staring right back at him.

“That’s more than okay. Uh,” Yeonjun isn’t sure how to say it, but Taehyun looks kind, his eyes beaming warmly, so he continues on. “I’m not really back yet, but I would appreciate it if you could help me? Maybe guide me through what I used to do, and what my classes usually look like?”

Taehyun immediately complies and shrugs easily. “That’s not a problem at all, hyung,” he looks at the clock and perks up. “They’re going to be here soon. Just a heads up, though, they all _know_ you, so don’t freak out, okay?”

It’s true, not even ten minutes later the door opens loudly, the sound of people talking vibrating against the walls. They come in one large group - around five people, he counts, and their faces light up immediately when they see Yeonjun. At first, he’s nervous on how they would react, but they are mostly just excited to see him back on his feet, asking him how he feels and if he’s okay. They’re energetic - animated, almost, and Yeonjun watches from the corner as they warm up, Taehyun leading in front of the mirror.

Soobin said he loves to dance. Yeonjun thinks it’s the reason why he does this, because he _loves_ it. It’s always been a part of him - his body moving on his own, the sound of the music becoming his blood, his veins, his bones. Back in Daegu, this is what he wanted - to be in Taehyun’s place. Such a commanding presence, but still a joy to be around.

Taehyun is quite strict, but he’s nice about it, and Yeonjun can tell he just wants the students to be better and to thrive. His firm voice is simply an urge for them to improve and be the best they can be. Yeonjun watches them, and it reminds him of blurred memories in his mind, of the classes he used to take in university, and it makes his inside burn with excitement. If he thinks about it long enough, he thinks maybe he yearns for _this_. The desire to have this again, to be able to feel it again.

The class finishes in a few hours - and at the end of it, Taehyun is gulping down his entire bottle while the students are cooling down on the floor. It was a fun class, he thinks, and Taehyun did a good job on balancing fun and actual lesson. He wonders if that was how he taught the class too.

Before the students bid their goodbyes, they ask Yeonjun if he’d be back for later, and he tells them that he’ll think about it. They seem to really like him and respect his privacy, not once asking another question about the accident.

“Do you want to eat?” Yeonjun asks Taehyun as he’s cooling down, stretching his arms calmly over his head. Taehyung agrees immediately.

“So,” Yeonjun starts, matching his steps with Taehyun’s when they’re out of the building. “How long have we known each other?”

“A little over... two years, I think? You already work here when I got hired.”

That’s a long time to know someone. It’s very evident in the way Taehyun carries himself around him, relaxed and casual, like they’ve done this before.

Yeonjun stares at the street and the cars passing by. It’s a busy day, people bustling down the sidewalk with stoic, tensed faces. Idly, he wonders what Soobin is doing now, and if he’s eaten lunch yet.

“Do you know my husband?” He asks, not because of anything particular, he just wants to know.

“Yeah, I’ve met him before,” Taehyun says, pursing his lips. “Once or twice. He picks you up at work sometimes.”

Yeonjun didn’t know that. It sends a flurry of feelings in his stomach.

“Where are we going, by the way?”

“It’s our favorite place,” Taehyun looks at him with a smile, like it’s a shared secret between them. “I haven’t eaten there ever since you were away.”

Yeonjun thinks it’s sweet that they have a favorite place together and that Taehyun didn’t eat there alone, instead waited to go with Yeonjun again. He wants to know exactly how close they really are because it seems like they were more than colleagues, maybe friends. It makes him happy that he can tell by how comfortable Taehyun is, walking alongside him with his posture relaxed, the smile on his lips lingers.

It’s a small restaurant, just by the corner, and Taehyun greets the cashier cheerfully. When she looks at Yeonjun, her eyes become wide as recognition settles in.

“Oh, Yeonjun-ah!” She exclaims, and Yeonjun bows politely, shaking her hand, even though he knows they’ve surely met before. “You’re back!”

“Yeah,” He chuckles, scratching his nape, looking at Taehyun who’s already secured a place by the window. “Hello.”

She seems like she wants to say more, but holds back - instead, she smiles, and chirps a cheerful: “Please enjoy your meal!”

Yeonjun bows again before walking over to Taehyun and taking a seat across from him. He told him that this is where they always have lunch, thus they’re very familiar with the receptionist and also most of the chefs in the kitchen.

“It’s a family restaurant so it’s not very crowded.” Taehyun explains, handing over the menu after he finishes writing down his order.

Yeonjun hums in acknowledgement, staring at the menu. When it takes him too long to decide, Taehyun scribbles something quickly on the paper and gives it to one of the waiters without consulting him first.

“What,” Yeonjun questions, confused.

“It’s your usual order,” Taehyun says confidently with no room for debate in his voice. “You’ll love it.”

Of course, he believes him.

They talk after that, mostly about work and how they met. He discovers that Taehyun was really shy at first, and Yeonjun was the one who came to him, introducing and shoving himself into Taehyun’s life unpromptedly. They became close in no time to the point where they always wait for one another’s class to finish to have lunch together.

Even when their food come, their conversation doesn’t die down, and Yeonjun listens to him attentively, interested in everything that he has to say. He decides that Taehyun is incredibly witty and smart, also sensitive and perceptive about everyone around him.

Yeonjun can clearly tell why they were such close friends. Although this is Yeonjun’s first time meeting him, they talk with such ease that he can feel the years of friendship between them. It’s really comforting to know that he doesn’t have trouble adapting back to their bond, even when he still has a lot catching up to do. It doesn’t feel awkward at all, and Taehyun truly feels like a friend. He can’t remember when he finished his food and how they’ve just been talking back and forth for the last hour.

“Are you going home?” Taehyun asks him when they’re at the cashier. She says goodbye to them and they left the restaurant, the bell of the door ringing when it closes.

“Uh,” Yeonjun looks at his phone, realizing it’s way past lunchtime. He can’t possibly ask Soobin to pick him up now. It’s only then he notices that he has five missed calls, all from Soobin. “Shit.”

“Is everything okay?”

“I forgot to tell Soobin I’m going to have lunch with you. He was supposed to pick me up,” He rushedly tells him, texting Soobin back urgently. “Ah, I feel bad.”

“Don’t worry about it. Let’s walk together to the bus stop.” Taehyun tugs his hand, clinging on to him. It makes him blink in surprise, but he doesn’t let go, holding on to him like a child to a parent. He realizes that this must be what he used to do before, as it looks like it was done nonchalantly, almost on instinct, that Taehyun didn’t even think about doing it. Yeonjun eventually lets him.

They talk again, all through the walk to the bus stop. Taehyun tells him about Yeonjun’s classes and how the students adore him, that he can always see the adoration in their eyes when they look at him. It gives him a sense of pride in his chest that past him was able to do that. It makes him more determined to do as well as he did and make everyone proud again.

When they reach the bus stop, Taehyun waits with him, still clinging tight to his arm.

“Are you going to be okay going home alone?”

Yeonjun doesn’t know this part of the city, isn’t even fully aware of his neighbourhood either, but he feels _fine_. Maybe it’s because he finally feels like himself again, being surrounded by people who were just like him, and maybe it’s the fact that Taehyun’s here and he’s the first friend he ever made after the accident.

He feels content, as he watches people go by their day, even the sound of car horns ringing loudly through the street. It’s such a mundane thing, but he thinks it calms him down, knowing that he’s apart of _something_ again, not set aside by such a cruel accident.

The accident makes him feel like an outcast in his own life, ripping him away from his own mind, taking his memories, his feelings, his _everything_. He doesn’t remember what happened, but it stays in the back of his mind, clasping in his muscles, each tendons of his skin - the crash, his limp body, all happening in a blink of an eye.

As he looks at the flower shop across the street and the stark blue of the sky, the feeling of Taehyun’s arm wrapping around his, he thinks maybe it’ll pass. The pain in his chest, the desperation to simply _undertand,_ the ache to regain control back in his life - maybe it’ll pass. One day.

He heard Taehyun’s question, knows what he means, but instead it reverbs back in his head like this: _Are you going to be okay?_

“Yeah,” he breathes out, a spark of hope trickling in his heart. “I think so.”

*

When Soobin arrives home, he’s holding a box of chocolate.

Yeonjun peers up from his phone screen to the door and tilts his head a little against the armrest to look properly at a beaming Soobin.

“Hi,” Soobin greets as Yeonjun takes off his earphone. He looks handsome despite coming home from a full day of work, his dimples on full display. “This is from Kai.”

Soobin puts the box on the dining table and Yeonjun gets up, pulling a chair.

“He told me you guys already met?” He continues, peeking inside the fridge and grabbing a drink before taking the seat across from Yeonjun. “He left a note. I didn’t read it, thought it was meant for you.”

Yeonjun tugs the attached post it note on the box until he can hold it between his fingers. It’s pink, and on top of it there’s a cute scribble written in colorful markers.

_For: Yeonjun-hyung!!_

_From: Kai ^3^_

_Yeonjun-hyung, sorry I didn’t get you anything when I came over. I wasn’t prepared!! Here’s to make up for it. Hope you like it, hyung!!! I’m so happy you’re back hehe. Let’s hang out again if you want ^3^ ^3^_

He laughs, finding it incredibly endearing. “He’s cute, isn’t he?”

Soobin grins as he cards the hair on his forehead until it becomes a mess. Yeonjun has the urge to put the strands of hair back in place, maybe tucking them behind his ear.

“Yeah,” He agrees, nodding. “Bet he used his emoticons.”

“He uses...” Yeonjun counts idly, scrunching his lips as he traces the note with his eyes. “Three, precisely.”

Soobin gulps his drink again, and Yeonjun notices that he looks worn out. His shoulders are tensed and his usual bright eyes are dim. It reminds him of how he used to look at the hospital, when he needed to go back and forth from the hospital and their home. When Yeonjun was still closed off, terrified, didn’t even want to talk to him for days.

“Tired?”

Soobin simply nods, putting his hand on his palms, letting go of a heavy sigh.

Yeonjun plays with the note absentmindedly as he utters, “Sorry I forgot to tell you that you didn’t need to pick me up.”

“It’s fine, Junie,” he peeks a little through his hands. “I was just worried you didn’t know how to go home.”

“I had lunch with Taehyun,” Yeonjun tells him and Soobin immediately perks up, instinctively leaning forward in interest. “I didn’t know we were friends.”

Soobin seems to recognize the name and nods in agreement. “Oh, yeah. We’ve met. You talk about him sometimes.”

“It was really nice, actually,” He goes on, feeling bashful all of a sudden, especially with Soobin’s full attention on him. He wants say that today means a lot to him and he’s immensely grateful to make a new friend - but he doesn’t know how to form it properly into words, his tongue caught between his teeth. “I had a lot of fun,” he adds quickly, a vague conclusion of what he actually wants to convey.

Soobin takes his time to look at him, his stare lingering for a breathless moment, and it’s tender, loving, Yeonjun doesn’t believe he deserves it. He almost wants to shy away from it because how in hell did he find someone who looks at him like _this_ , like Soobin never wants to look away.

“I’m glad,” Soobin says sincerely, and Yeonjun watches as a smile grows slowly on his lips, like witnessing sunrise. “You deserve it. More days like this.”

There’s so much weight in that sentence, in the way Soobin utters it, almost like he’s praying, an earnest wish hidden behind those words. Yeonjun locks his gaze, trying to find _something_ , an answer, a resolution, a crack on those brown eyes.

“How was your day?” Yeonjun shifts the subject, his voice cracking.

“Oh,” Soobin blinks, before leaning back against the chair again, as if he just remembered how tired he is. “As usual. Nothing special to talk about, honestly.”

For a moment, there’s awkward silence, clinging heavily on the air. Neither of them knows what to say, but Soobin eventually gets up.

“I’m going to take a shower,” he informs, pointing at the general direction of the bathroom.

“Okay,” Yeonjun says and nods, unsure how he is supposed to act. It seems like Soobin feels the same way.

“Okay. Bye!” Soobin gives him a shaky thumbs up, his flailing limbs finally out of sight.

Yeonjun’s face turns hot for no reason. “Bye,” he whispers quietly, even when no one’s there.

*

The next day, Yeonjun comes to watch Taehyun’s class again, this time with students he doesn’t recognize. He stays quiet though and looks at them by the corner, happy and content just by observing. When the students go, Taehyun drags him by the arm and forces him to dance with him, holding on to his shoulder as he urges Yeonjun to move and feel the music.

“Come on,” Taehyun says, ecstatic, his whole face lighting up. “Feel it, hyung.”

Yeonjun laughs, embarrassed because there’s no one here anymore, just them, and the music is loud and obnoxious. It’s been a while since he danced and he isn’t sure if he still remembers how, admittedly conscious and insecure of himself, but - as he closes his eyes tight, the feeling of Taehyun with him, he starts to get into it, really feel the music on his body.

It’s nice, he decides, when he’s not thinking about it too much, swaying carelessly as Taehyun laughs. Yeonjun feels free, the weight on his chest momentarily evaporates, making him feel _light._ He thinks about Daegu, about peaceful mornings when it felt like he could do anything, about golden dusk and the front porch where he used to sit and ponder about what lies ahead in his life - and there _he_ is, in the back of his mind. A familiar smile looking back at him, grazing his skin, a set of pretty eyes - _one boy in Daegu._

He remembers the night before he had to leave to Seoul and they were lying on his bed, not looking at each other. He remembers the silence, the loose hold of Beomgyu’s hand on his, and he knew that Beomgyu was trying not to cry. They stayed like that for a long time, and he didn’t realize when Beomgyu got up to turn on a slow song.

When Beomgyu looked at him, his eyes were red, but he was smiling. He offered him his hand and Yeonjun came into his arms. He doesn’t remember how long they danced, but he remembers their interlocked hands, the warm press of their bodies together. Beomgyu was already taller than him then, just a little bit, and he muses on how Beomgyu laughed as he twirled him, and he could feel it on his ribcage.

It was Beomgyu’s form of goodbye, he realized, by how Beomgyu was gripping his shoulders tight, like he was dreading the moment he needed to let go. He could feel the desperation in his gaze, begging for more time, a silent plea for him to stay.

“ _Gyu_ ,” He had called him then as he puts his everything into that one syllable, hoping that Beomgyu could hear it in his voice, _his_ form of goodbye. “ _I’m sorry._ ”

Yeonjun didn’t need to tell him what it was for, because Beomgyu understood. He only nodded, a faint smile on his lips that didn’t reach his eyes.

“ _It’s okay,_ ” He said as he knocked their foreheads together. “ _Just - don’t you dare forget me when you’re in Seoul_. _Remember that you still have someone waiting for you in Daegu._ ”

Yeonjun remembers his first night in Seoul, their first phone call apart, and how he was so sure they could make it work.

That was their last dance together. One that broke his heart.

There are waves of emotions colliding inside of his chest. He doesn’t understand any of it, even when he desperately wants to, but he thinks back to what Soobin said in the car yesterday: _You have the most fun when you dance._

More than anything, dancing makes him the happiest. He doesn’t do it for any other reason than that it makes him buzz with felicity, that it’s _fun_ when he feels the music on his bones. It’s exhilirating, even here, in an empty studio with a friend he just met. It feels like being stripped away from your problems, as if Yeonjun isn’t just Yeonjun anymore, he’s _one_ with the music, _one_ with whatever emotion is clinging to his heart.

So, he doesn’t think about it. Lets Taehyun pulls on his arms, lets the music settling deep inside of his soul - lets himself just _be._

When the music stops, he opens his eyes slowly, and he sees Taehyun smiling widely, waiting for Yeonjun to say something.

“Uh,” Yeonjun gulps, overwhelmed by how much he missed being able to dance without second guess. He squeezes Taehyun’s shoulder, too grateful to say anything else. “Thank you.”

They eat lunch again after that, on that restaurant by the corner, and this time they didn’t leave until the evening because they were too warped on their conversation to care about the time. Taehyun walks him to the bus stop still clinging to his arm, and Yeonjun thinks he wants to dance again.

*

The week goes by fast.

Yeonjun stays at home on Wednesday because Taehyun doesn’t have any class, and there’s something that he wants to do.

He hadn’t searched their room at all before, too afraid to find something he wasn’t ready to see, didn’t dare to look at the pictures they hung on the mirror. He brushes past them, consciously avoiding looking at them, that he even goes out of his way to only use the the mirror in the bathroom.

But he’s curious, and he actually wants to _know_. He’s seen their wedding video and the official documents, but that’s all he knows about their life together. He knows the traces of them both are scattered everywhere in this apartment, especially in their room, but he hadn’t bothered to look closely. It is overwhelming to come back home to an unfamiliar place with the knowledge that this has been where he lived for a year.

Yeonjun picks one of the photos, holding it firm between his fingers.

It’s a picture of Soobin smiling to the camera and he looks devastatingly happy. There are crinkles on the edges of his eyes, his teeth peeking through his lips. His dimples are deep on his cheeks, and Yeonjun wonders how they would feel like on his skin.

The photo is taken in a restaurant - a table of people can be seen behind his back, bustling and crowded, that Yeonjun almost could hear the sound of fork against plate, shoes against the carpet.

There’s a note written on the bottom of the photo, scribbled in a familiar handwriting: _Soobin-ah, I fall in love with you again today. P.S Thank you for saying yes._

He takes the photo beside it, and now it’s him laughing ear to ear to the camera, his eyes closing in genuine joy. He doesn’t recognize the handwriting in the bottom of this one, and it says simply: _It has always been you for me. You know that._

Yeonjun lets go of the photo. He realizes it is from their proposal day.

He stares at the next photo, and now it’s both of them, a selfie taken by Soobin. It’s night, and they appear to be at an amusement park. They look young and his hair is blue. There are two handwritings, the top one says: _Let’s do this again. Second date?_ The other is messy, like it was written in a hurry, and it definitely looks like his: _Yes._

This next one is both of them again, but it looks more intimate, taken on a bed and against white sheets. They look sleepy and Soobin doesn’t have that full blown smile like in the first picture. It’s warm and delicate, as if it wasn’t meant for anyone else but them. Yeonjun is tucked on his arm, and on his lips isn’t the wide smile like the previous one, instead he just looks utterly happy.

This time, it’s Soobin’s handwriting, written on top of Yeonjun’s shirt, by his heart.

_My love._

Yeonjun recalls the nickname, said to him on their wedding day when Soobin said his vow. He thinks there’s something so tender about it. Calling someone your love. It makes his heart flutter, even when he hasn’t heard Soobin call him that before.

He stares at it for a moment longer and decides it’s his favorite out of the others.

On Thursday, when Yeonjun comes home, he passes Kai by his door.

“Hi, hyung!” He greets him cheerfully, a smile immediately rises on his lips. “I bought some snacks, you want some?”

Yeonjun doesn’t know how to say no to that.

Huening Kai’s apartment looks exactly like Yeonjun thought it would, cozy and bright, and somehow so inherently _him_. They spend the rest of the evening talking, turning on Kai’s current obsession with a reality show, munching on the snacks. Yeonjun didn’t think he would get along this well with Kai, but they are actually more similar than he initially assume, their conversation light and enjoyable.

When Yeonjun goes back, Soobin is sitting comfortably on the sofa and working on something on his laptop.

“Hey,” Yeonjun greets.

Soobin looks up from the screen, blinking. It seems like he just realizes that Yeonjun is already home. Maybe he didn’t hear the door opening, too focused on his work. As his gaze falls on him, though, he quickly smiles. “Hi there.”

Yeonjun offers him the snack on his hand, one that he took from Kai’s pile of sweets. “I brought you something.”

“Oh?” Soobin stares at the box of candy, eyes wide in disbelief. “For me?”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun says, embarrassed all of a sudden. “I saw you snacking when you were working yesterday, so.”

“Thank you.” Soobin takes it gratefully, beaming, holding it with his hands like it’s the most precious thing he’s ever seen. Yeonjun finds it cute.

On Friday night, they bump on the bathroom and their shoulders knock against each other. Yeonjun winces.

“You can go first,” Soobin says politely, already backing out the door.

“No, you can go first.” Yeonjun insists, shaking his head. “I was just going to brush my teeth.”

“I was just going to brush my teeth too.”

They decide to just do it together and crams in front of the sink, hearing the soft brush skim against their teeth. It’s silent for awhile until Soobin speaks with a mouth full of foam.

“Have you packed yet?”

Yeonjun furrows his eyebrows, just remembering that they’re supposed to go to Daegu tomorrow. He hasn’t done anything. “No.”

“Do you need help?”

“I’ll be fine.”

“How do you feel?”

Soobin does this a lot, asking him how he feels. He’s not sure if he does it only after the accident, or if this is what he did before. Regardless, he thinks it’s nice, like a little check up, a question to end the day.

“Miss my parents,” Yeonjun spits to the sink, putting the toothbrush back in the rack. “Also miss my brother a lot.”

Soobin isn’t done yet, so Yeonjun waits and stands beside him, staring at the dimple poking through his cheek.

“I miss them too,” he says wistfully, gazing at their reflection on the mirror.

“We’ve been talking, actually.” Yeonjun informs him, still staring at the deep concave of his dimple. “They said Taehyung-hyung’s got a surprise for me.”

“Oh?”

“Do you know if he is still with Jimin-hyung?”

The last memory Yeonjun has of his brother is that he’s got a boyfriend. They were just starting to date on his first year.

“Yeah,” Soobin says, nodding immediately.

“Ah,” Yeonjun purses his lips. His suspicion must be true, then. “I think they’re engaged? I don’t know. My family can’t hide a secret. They keep talking about wedding cakes as if I couldn’t read the group chat.”

Soobin spits on the sink before he laughs at his comment. “I can attest to that.”

“Please play along when they tell us the news. Act surprised or something.”

“Sure.”

Late at night, before Yeonjun could get inside his room, already sleepy and ready for bed, Soobin holds the door so he can’t get inside.

“Yeonjun,” Soobin looks unsure of what he wants to say, pacing awkwardly between his two feet. “Wait.”

“Yeah?”

“Can I hug you?”

It’s sudden and surprising, and for a moment Yeonjun doesn’t know what to say. He’s suddenly aware of how tall Soobin is as he towers over him, the top of his head only reaching the bridge of Soobin’s nose. There’s an awkward beat of silence before Yeonjun could think of anything coherent, and Soobin blanches.

“Sorry - that must be weird.” Soobin steps back away from him. “Forget I ever said anything -”

“No! No,” Yeonjun cuts him off and shakes his head urgently, afraid Soobin woud get the wrong idea. “It’s fine, you just caught me off guard.”

“Okay.”

Soobin’s looking at him like he’s asking for permission, and Yeonjun nods, granting it. He doesn’t know why he said yes, didn’t think he would had he asked him a week ago. Yeonjun still doesn’t know him, can’t recognize anything familiar about this man, and yet he knows in his heart that he trusts him. It’s in his eyes, _always in his eyes,_ how he looks at Yeonjun with such clarity he knows he can’t find anywhere else.

He’s warm, is the first that Yeonjun notices, as Soobin wraps him up tight with his arms. He can hear the stifled sigh Soobin lets out, as if he’s been waiting for this moment and he's been holding his breath ever since. Yeonjun rests his head on his shoulder and hugs him back, circling his arms on his waist. 

Yeonjun can feel his heartbeat on his ear, the soft _thump thump thump_ like a calming melody. He sighs into his shirt, suddenly feeling sleepy and comfortable, his eyelids dropping heavily on his cheeks. It’s bewildering what his body remembers, because it immediately relaxes on his touch as he leans snuggly against his chest.

He doesn’t recall how long they stay that way, but when Soobin pulls back, still holding on to his shoulders, Yeonjun already regrets the loss of warmth.

“Good night,” Soobin whispers, and Yeonjun wonders why his words always hold so much weight, that even his _good night_ sounds so incredibly genuine, that it doesn’t sound like a careless thing or a casual phrase that he says easily, but it sounds like he actually means it.

Yeonjun doesn’t release his hold, instead his fingers clutch on Soobin’s sweater, suddenly unwilling to let go. He peers up, looking at Soobin who is staring back at him, and there’s a glow in his eyes that Yeonjun wants to understand.

“Good night,” he says and aches, it’s all the same.

*

In the morning, Soobin finds himself falling in love with Yeonjun again.

It’s not a lot, but when he gets out of his room, Yeonjun is already fresh out of the shower. He’s already dressed with a simple shirt tucked in on his jeans, and Soobin can see his backpack on the couch.

He’s making toast the way Soobin usually does and humming a song he doesn’t recognize. He’s swaying slightly to the sound of his own voice, seemingly in his own little world. Idly, Soobin notices the two plates on the dining table.

Before Soobin could do anything stupid, he runs to the bathroom and lets the shower steam burn his scalp, wishing it would die everything down.

When they’re both ready to go, Soobin offers to carry his backpack.

Yeonjun ends up carrying both of theirs, claiming that it’s a form of workout, and Soobin would be doing him a favor if he lets him. Soobin relents and watches as Yeonjun walks ahead the hallway. His own backpack is slung on his shoulder as he lifts Soobin’s on his hand like a makeshift dumbbell. It’s devastatingly endearing, his small little steps, the soft giggles out of his mouth like fireworks. It reminds Soobin of a younger Yeonjun, of someone he first fell in love with, many mornings ago - and yet here he is still, watching the same man, with the same love caught in his throat.

Soobin silently yearns.

*

Soobin stares at the packed street of Seoul as Yeonjun plugs in the aux chord to his phone. He plays a slow song, sweet, something that he would listen to when it’s raining. Yeonjun doesn’t say anything and bops his head to the beat as he watches the street through the window.

“Hey,” Soobin says, breaking the silence. “How do you feel?”

Soobin can hear him smile, even when he’s not looking at him. Out of the corner of his eye, he can feel his gaze on him, searching.

“It’s not fair that it’s always you,” Yeonjun replies. “Let’s take turns.”

“Mm?”

“How do _you_ feel?”

Soobin blinks, taken aback. “How do _I_ feel?”

“Yeah. Tell me,” Yeonjun sinks further into the chair, making himself comfortable. “I want to know too.”

“Okay, uh... Excited.”

“Why?”

“It’s actually been awhile since we went to Daegu. Miss your mom’s cooking.”

“How close are you with them? With my parents?”

“Pretty close,” Soobin says, and thinks about their annual New Years together. They used to have so much fun just lounging at the living room, watching shitty movies that becomes less shitty when you watch it together.

“We were like a family, then?”

Soobin chuckles softly, staring at the horizon. “We are.”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry,” Yeonjun immediately panics, but Soobin just laughs and brushes it away. “Didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s okay.”

“What else do you feel?”

Soobin thinks about Yeonjun and how much he misses him. It’s strange to think about, because he’s _here_ , Yeonjun is here, and yet he misses him still. At the back of his mind, he knows that he probably misses _his_ Yeonjun - the one who rememembers him, the one who married him, the one who _loves_ him. But he also knows this is the same man. The man beside him isn’t someone _different_ , this is still _his_ Yeonjun. He doesn’t look at him like he used to, but there’s always such openness in the way he stares at him now, like he’s always searching for something in the depth of Soobin’s eyes. It’s different, but it’s still the same curiousity, as always.

He knows that no matter how much he loves _his_ Yeonjun, he loves this Yeonjun just as much. Maybe even more.

“Homesick,” he says.

“For Daegu?”

 _For you_ , Soobin wants to say, _I keep missing you._

“Yeah,” he finally answers, and wonders how did his heart ever handle it. How did it ever handle being in love with Yeonjun.

*

Soobin remembers the first time Yeonjun told him that he wanted Soobin to meet his parents. It was a year into their relationship and they were having dinner in his apartment. Yeonjun had said it so casually, like he was reporting the weather or something.

Yeonjun was Soobin’s first serious relationship. He had dated people, but none of them ever stuck or felt right, not quite like Yeonjun. Even when they were just getting to know each other - going on spontaneous dates and simply holding hands felt so exhiliriating. Maybe that was it, why Yeonjun was always different, because they had _so much_ fun. Soobin was always quiet and kept to himself, but Yeonjun dragged him along until Soobin felt like he could do anything too.

Soobin thinks he needed that. The source of energy that always seems to exude from Yeonjun. The smile on his lips that never seems to falter. The realization that he wants to be reason of Yeonjun’s carefree laughs that rung loud in his ears.

He had cried when Yeonjun told him, couldn’t believe that Yeonjun was serious enough about him that he wanted to introduce him to his parents. It was then when he truly recognized just how much he wanted _this._ How much he wanted to settle and be with Yeonjun as long as he could.

He remembers the first time he saw Mrs. Choi’s friendly smile, the soft pat on his back as she welcomed him home. He remembers Mr. Choi’s soft eyes, just like his son, as he greeted him by the door. It means a lot to him, always has been, their hospitality and immediate acceptance. When they got home from that very first trip, Mrs. Choi held his hand and thanked him for taking care of Yeonjun and how glad she was that Yeonjun had a home in Seoul.

It occured to him that the home she meant was him.

He knows he’s being unreasonable, but he’s afraid that they would be disappointed in him. He knows that they’re not in any way blaming him for the accident, but it still gnaws at him, that fear of rejection and abandonment. Maybe he’s been feeling like such a stranger to Yeonjun that he almost expects his family to do the same. The fear that he’ll be casted aside and thrown away with barely a side glance.

Soobin is tense as they get closer to the house. He doesn’t know why he should be, it’s just a another regular visit after all - but he can’t help the rapid beating of his heart, the uneasiness in his hands as he makes a turn.

“You okay?” Yeonjun asks and when he doesn’t answer, he prodes on. “Soobin?”

Soobin fixes his gaze on the road and nods. It’s too silly to say out loud and it’s not like it makes any sense. “Yeah, don’t worry.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mhm.”

It’s all a blur after. He’s aware of everything but it becomes such a haze in his mind - Mr. Choi opening the gates with a happy smile on her lips, Yeonjun’s joyful squeal as he finally parks the car. He recognizes everyone on the front porch waiting for them - Mrs. Choi dressed in a flowery blouse, and Taehyung waving at them with Jimin beside him.

He hugs them all back and tries his best to greet everyone casually but it’s hard when he’s jittery and sweaty and his mouth feels dry. It feels like his mind turns to static and he can’t hear anything except the worries tearing him inside.

They’ve prepared some sort of welcoming party for Yeonjun. There are fancy food and snacks on the table, also some drinks inside tall clear glasses. He idly notices the music playing from the speakers and Yeonjun’s voice swimming in the background.

Soobin hangs back and watches Yeonjun with his family. He looks happy and light, so different from how he was in Seoul, where he was restless and impassive. Yeonjun is slowly opening up to him, he knows, but he’s still tiptoeing around him, still figuring him out. He understands - this is the environment he’s familiar with after all, that he actually knows and remembers, and he just wishes that Yeonjun can be as comfortable like this with him again.

Soobin barely recalls anything - his mind foggy and his shirt feels too tight around his ribs, but he remembers Jimin clinging to Taehyung’s arm as they show their hands and the shiny rings on their fingers. Yeonjun exclaims loudly, despite his previous suspicious of their engagement, and he hugs Taehyung so tight it looks like he can’t breathe.

This is when Soobin really can’t handle it, he thinks, because now his eyes are hot and his throat hurts from the pent tension he tries to swallow down. He slowly backs out, but someone pokes his shoulder.

“Soobin-ah, can you help me?”

It’s Mrs. Choi and she’s holding a tray, now devoid of snacks. He has always thought that she was pretty and just how much Yeonjun resembles her - the soft jaw, kind eyes, charming smile. He quietly nods and follows her to the kitchen.

“You’ve been quiet,” She observes and puts the tray on the table. Soobin helps her arrange another assortment of snacks and feels her eyes on him.

“Sorry,” he quickly apologizes, suddenly afraid that she would mistaken his silence for something else. “I’m just - tired, I guess. From the ride.” It’s not entirely a lie, his muscles are stretching tightly and beg him to lie down on a soft surface.

She lets out a fond laugh with her eyes still prying at him, and Soobin refuses to meet her gaze, scared that he would immediately cry or something embarrassing like that.

“If you’re tired, you can rest.” She holds Soobin’s arm, a soothing touch. “It’s fine, honey.”

Soobin thinks she knows that he’s not just tired. But she always knows. Sometimes more than she lets on.

He shakes his head, feeling guilty. It should be Yeonjun’s day, but here he is, ruining _everything_. “Just need some fresh air.”

“Okay,” She says, and it looks like she’s thinking about something. “Soobin-ah.”

“Yeah?”

Mrs. Choi holds and squeezes his hand softly, and when Soobin locks their gaze, she smiles. “We’re happy to see you again, Soobin.”

Soobin doesn’t know what to say to that. It just feels like drowning, the reassurance hitting him right in his chest. He has no idea how she figures it out.

He tries to conjure up a respond, but she only nods understandingly before leaving with the tray. He watches as she goes back to the living room and takes a seat beside her husband.

Yeonjun is still there, laughing freely at something that Taehyung says, and Soobin quietly makes his way to the back porch. He sits cross legged next to the railing.

Soobin watches the blue sky, the bright clouds, how the wind greets him with a soft caress. Everything is so familiar to him. This house feels like home as much as their apartment is. Maybe because he knows it’s where Yeonjun grew up. Or maybe because this is where he can feel it. A family.

He listens to the muted chatter from the living room and exhales a heavy breath.

Soobin wishes he can have it again.

*

It’s evening when the food is gone and Yeonjun’s voice starts cracking from too much talking. Soobin joins back to the living room as Taehyung announces that they’ll be having a celebratory dinner later that night. Yeonjun stands closely beside Soobin when they watch the car disappears past the gate.

As the noise dies down and everyone starts cleaning up, Soobin stays back in the kitchen with Mrs. Choi and helps her with the dishes. She insists that it’s fine, but Soobin actually wants to help.

After he’s finished, he meets Yeonjun at the bottom of the staircase and he’s already carrying his own backpack. They lock gaze.

“Hey,” Soobin says, just remembering something. “Where should I stay?”

“What do you mean?” Yeonjun looks confused, his eyebrows furrowing together.

“Like. What room should I sleep in?”

“Oh,” Yeonjun realizes and calls out to his mom. “Do I sleep in my own room?”

“Of course, honey.” She answers from somewhere in the garden.

“Where should Soobin sleep, then?”

There’s a beat of silence before she speaks again. “Aren’t you both going to share?”

“Uh,” Yeonjun hesitates, looking over at Soobin awkwardly. “The guest room is empty, right?”

“The guest room is now your dad’s work office, Jun.” She’s far enough that her voice gets distorted, and there’s a beat of silence before she voices out. “We renovated the house last year.”

Soobin winces. He really didn’t think about this aspect yet. They haven’t shared a room since the accident, and he doesn’t want to make Yeonjun uncomfortable. “It’s okay,” he reassures him. “I can just sleep here? The couch is fine.”

Yeonjun looks like he’s debating with himself, but he shakes his head determinedly. “No,” he insists. “I’m not going to let you sleep on the couch, that’s _rude_.”

Soobin laughs, eyeing the affronted couch and shrugs. “It’s fine. Really.”

“No,” Yeonjun argues, already going up the stairs. “Come on. You’re coming with me.”

The room is the first on the left. It used to be Yeonjun’s when he still lived here, and there are blank spots on the wall where Yeonjun used to hung posters on, the scrapes of a sharp object on the dresser. It still looks like his room, but now it lacks personality, just a remnant of what it used to be. He can see that the room doesn’t have an owner anymore.

Yeonjun sits on the bed, and he looks at him who is still standing by the doorway. It’s painfully awkward, because this is actually their first time to be in a room alone since the accident. Back in the apartment, Soobin tries his best to give him space, and Yeonjun doesn’t seek for his companion either. The first time they ever crossed that gap was last night when Soobin blurted out that he wanted a hug, and he could feel Yeonjun’s heartbeat pressed against his chest.

Soobin grips the strap of his backpack. If the accident didn’t happen, and the boy sitting on the bed is _his_ Yeonjun, they would be lying on the bed already, making each other laugh. Yeonjun would ramble about Taehyung and Jimin’s engagement, and he would talk about the suit he wants to wear, the kind of cake that he wants to taste in the wedding. He would try to make it about them somehow, and go on a sappy road to memory lane, and they’d end up reminiscing about their own wedding, staring at the ceiling, their hands warmly interlocked in each other’s hold.

Soobin can’t help but notice how different _they_ are. The glaring distance between them, how Yeonjun clasps his hands together like he isn’t quite sure how to handle it. Soobin isn’t sure either, doesn’t know how to act as if he didn’t know everything about Yeonjun like the back of his hand.

He needs to accept it, he thinks. Accept that this is what he has now, and he shouldn’t take it for granted. This is still Yeonjun, in more ways than one. He remembers when they were getting to know each other, and it had never felt as nerve-wrecking as this. _This_ : looking at his husband and knowing it’s a different set of eyes looking back.

“This is a little weird,” Yeonjun speaks out first, worrying his bottom lip with his teeth. “For me. Not because of anything, just because, you know. I don’t,” he stops suddenly, glancing at Soobin sheepishly.

Soobin stares at the intricate details of the door. “Yeah,” he murmurs, nodding. “I get it. Sharing a room with someone you don’t know? That’s kinda weird.”

Yeonjun laughs, scooting further on the bed. “I’m getting to know more about you, though.”

Soobin closes his eyes and tries to calm himself down. It’s too much sometimes - an obnoxious reminder that he’s not talking to someone who already knows everything about him.

“I can sleep on the floor,” Soobin says, pointing at the area beside the bed. “There’s probably a spare mattress around here somewhere. I’ll ask your mom or dad later.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Soobin nods, and he moves inside the room to put his bag on the vanity, but Yeonjun reaches out and suddenly tugs his wrist.

It’s a loose hold, barely feels like anything, but Soobin registers the warmth, and how his skin felt against his palm. His thumb right on his pulse, his forefinger circles around the sharp jut of his bone.

“Hey,” Yeonjun says softly, and he’s looking right at Soobin’s eyes, piercing. “Thank you for driving me here.”

There’s fire in his chest, clouds in his mind, longing wrapped around his shoulder blades, and this is stuck between his teeth: _I’d do anything for you._

“Don’t worry about it, Junie,” he says, and it burns.

*

Yeonjun can hear the shower stream pouring loudly from the bathroom. Soobin’s been in there for a long time, and Yeonjun wonders if he’s fine.

He’s not stupid - he talks a lot but there are also things that he keeps inside. He observes, and notices, even when he doesn’t mention it out loud. He’s been looking at Soobin the entire day, and he can tell that something’s _wrong_.

Soobin is quiet and calm, but he’s usually bright and happy. But today he looks... _dimmed._ He stays back most of the time, and at first Yeonjun thought that maybe he was being shy, but he Soobin told him that he’s close with Yeonjun’s family. It makes him worry, and at the back of his mind, he wonders if it’s because of him.

Yeonjun will never understand the weight of the accident that Soobin feels, will _never_ know just how much that he’s enduring, but it still pains him to see it so bare on his gaze. Back in Seoul, Yeonjun can always see it, everything that he’s holding back, but it’s _different_ now. The pain weighed in his eyes today isn’t the same one that’s been resting on his shoulders. This one takes out his entire energy and makes him look worn out, the usual gentle presence replaced by something dangerously quiet, like the calm before a storm.

He’s never seen him like that, and Yeonjun decides he doesn’t like it.

The bathroom door suddenly opens, stratling him. Behind it, Soobin is already dressed and struggling with something in his hands.

“Everything okay?” Yeonjun asks from the dresser, turning his head to see what’s going on.

“Yeah, uh,” Soobin’s voice hesitates, sounding frustrated. “It’s just, why can’t this thing _work -_ ”

When Yeonjun comes closer, Soobin is holding the plug to the hair dryer. The socket is just by the mirror and above the counter, and Soobin can’t seem to reach it. It’s strange because Soobin is taller than most people and this should be the easiest thing to him.

His frustration doesn’t come from the hair dryer or the distance of the socket, Yeonjun realizes, because Soobin’s hands are trembling. Yeonjun takes an alarmed look at him. His cheeks are pale and color is gone from his face. There’s really something wrong - more than he knows, more than Soobin can conceal.

Yeonjun takes the hair dryer from him and plugs it quietly to the outlet. Soobin is staring at him, dumbfounded and confused, but Yeonjun turns the dryer on without a word.

The air is hot on his face. He stares at the skin below Soobin’s eye, and with a halted breath, starts ruffling the wet hair covering Soobin’s forehead.

Soobin doesn’t say anything, just lets him dry his hair, the soft whirring of the dryer deafening in this quiet room. Yeonjun’s heart beats nervously against his ribcage.

“Everything okay?” he asks again softly, barely a whisper. He doesn’t why he feels tense, jumpy almost, standing in front of him like this with their chest almost touching. If he wants to, he can memorize the details of his face, like the smooth slope of his nose and the plumpness of his cheeks.

“Yeah, thanks to you. The hair dryer works just fine.”

“No, I meant _you_. Are you okay?”

Soobin stays quiet, and Yeonjun doesn’t dare meet his eyes. There’s a delay in his breath, like he isn’t sure if he wants to inhale or exhale, can’t figure out which would ease it better.

Yeonjun looks up, and watches quietly as Soobin’s eyelids drop slowly, the unhurried flutter of his lashes. His forehead is creased and the lines of his lips are taut.

Time seems to still. Yeonjun holds to Soobin’s hair softly and feels it on his skin, the drip of water lingering on his fingertips. He tugs the strands on the top of his head and puts it in front of the dryer, watching it dance under the light.

Yeonjun thinks about the hug last night. He thinks about the photos on the mirror. He thinks about his blue hair in an amusement park. Thinks about stunning altar, beautiful vows, all woven in interlocked hands and two hearts, thrumming for the same thing.

He thinks about Soobin and wonders how long did it take to fall in love with him. When did it click? When did it dawn on him that this is the man he wanted? When was the big realization - which smile it was, which laugh, which soft _my love_ that struck something inside of him?

“Hey,” Yeonjun whispers cautiously and trails his hand bravely to his cheek. He cups it lightly - just a quick touch before he retreats and flings his hand back to his side. “It’s done.”

When Soobin opens his eyes again, it feels like time wakes up with him, and Yeonjun feels the world back on his feet. The hair dryer is loud, but Soobin’s gaze still feels louder somehow, and it’s like he’s stuck in a limbo where only Soobin exists.

“Let me,” Soobin says softly, taking the dryer from him so quickly that Yeonjun can’t resist.

Yeonjun has always noticed that Soobin is attractive. Even back in the hospital when Yeonjun didn’t want to talk, and would always refuse to meet his eyes - Yeonjun would stare sneakily at the stranger in his room, the mysterious man who waited for hours outside just to give him food. He has always known it, has always realized just how handsome Soobin really is.

Here, though, in front of him and they stood just inches apart, mirroring the same position as last night - Yeonjun can really appreciate it. Soobin isn’t looking at him, but Yeonjun is admiring quietly.

Soobin’s threads his hair gently, his hand resting on the back of his neck, his thumb hovering lightly above his skin. His touch sends shiver down his spine, and when he starts to card his fingers through his scalp, Yeonjun involuntarily closes his eyes.

“Your hair’s still wet,” Soobin explains. His voice is softer than usual, honey-laced. Yeonjun feels like he’s being hypnotized.

“Mhm,” Yeonjun hums, enjoying the heat. It’s really nice. They’ve also scooted closer than before, the sleeve of Soobin’s shirt touching his cheek. He chuckles. “That tickles.”

Yeonjun can feel the soft rumble of his light laughter on his chest. “Sorry,” Soobin whispers sheepishly.

“It’s fine. It’s,” Yeonjun gulps. “Nice.”

“Okay.”

They stay that way for awhile - until the nervousness is gone from Yeonjun’s body and he just feels relaxed with the tension in his shoulders gone, and all he wants is to hear the _thump thump thump_ of Soobin’s heartbeat pressed against his ear again. There’s a quiet serenity in their silence, as if everything blurs in the background, and Yeonjun feels strangely _safe_.

Soobin stops touching his hair so abruptly that Yeonjun opens his eyes.

“All done,” he breathes out, but doesn’t move.

Yeonjun stares back at him. Soobin looks jaded, his gaze hollow. It’s not the usual sadness that he retains back in Seoul, not the hurt that he’s been holding back since the hospital. It’s a light flicker, glimmering behind the shadow of his eyes, barely there but consuming him whole. It makes him look like he’s given up.

Yeonjun doesn’t like it.

Before Yeonjun can say anything about it, Soobin trails a delicate touch on his cheek and holds him still.

He seems to think about it first, like he wants to say something else, but he settles with this instead: “Let’s get ready for dinner.”

As Soobin goes back to the room, Yeonjun can feel the remaining water flows down to his neck, and he shivers.

*

The restaurant is packed with people. It _is_ a Saturday after all, and everyone is dying to ease up and let loose.

Taehyung didn’t tell him that it’s going to be a fancy restaurant, the kind where everything is horrendously expensive and you need to reserve a seat months in advance. He gets that it was supposed to be a surprise and the engagement wasn’t even revealed to him later that day, but _still,_ Yeonjun would’ve brought a nicer outfit if he knew.

“You jackass,” Yeonjun slaps Taehyung’s arm when they hug again that evening when the newly engaged arrived at the house, but Taehyung just laughs. “At least tell me to bring nice clothes.”

“Aw, but you always look nice, little bro.”

“Shut up.”

Yeonjun finds out that Taehyung is now a really a famous interior designer or something, and Jimin owns a clothing line. It makes a lot of sense, as he eyes the size of the restaurant. They also tell him that they’re in the middle of building their new house. _Damn._

“The house is nice,” Jimin tells the family at the passenger seat. “We’re building a pool too. _Ah,_ I really can’t wait to move in.”

“So you can live happily ever after with me, right?”

“Of course, honey.”

“Not because you want to jump in the pool first thing when we move in?”

“What? Of course not. That’s ridiculous.”

Taehyung reserved a seat on the second floor with a balcony and an impressive view of the city below. Yeonjun is excited about it when he tells them because he wants to see the city in such a high spot, and wonders if he could spot his house in a tiny figure from above. He’s itching to see the sky so bare from a spot like that.

Yeonjun takes the seat between Soobin and Taehyung. He feels a little out of place - it’s not that he isn’t wearing anything nice, _he is, he always wears something nice,_ but it’s not something he would wear to this kind of occasion had Taehyung warned him in advance.

He’s still a little pissed off, if he’s being honest.

Soobin, on the other hand, didn’t prepare anything formal as well, but he looks overwhelmingly good. He’s wearing a soft red sweater, tugged in fitted jeans. He’s wearing a little make up too, and Yeonjun watched him do it as he was preparing his own outfit, and admittedly he got a little too transfixed at the way Soobin’s mouth parted when he applied his chapstick on.

In other words, Soobin looks really good, and it isn’t _fair._

Yeonjun had complained to him then, _I hate that I won’t look good tonight,_ but Soobin only spared him a quick glance on the mirror as he whispered _but that’s impossible._

Maybe Yeonjun blushed, maybe he didn’t - either way, if Soobin noticed, he didn’t say anything.

Soobin still stays quiet, even when the waiter hand them the menu and dad says some corny jokes. Yeonjun knows that Soobin is spacing out and isn’t really paying attention, only opening his mouth when someone is directly talking to him. He even notices mom’s attentive glances on him every now and then, and he realizes maybe Yeonjun is the only one who doesn’t know why Soobin is acting this way. Or maybe, mom just knows more than anyone else, like always.

As they wait for the food to arrive, Jimin tells them about the wedding plan - about the venues that he and Taehyung have looked and one that they both have decided to like best. He talks about the decorations and the flowers, everything that Yeonjun is sure he has gone through himself before. Jimin sounds really excited that his voice rises higher, and there is that shine in his eyes that turns his whole face bright. Yeonjun thinks that Jimin must have really love his brother if he’s talking about their future together with so much care in his words.

He misses a lot of it. He remembers a memory at the back of his mind on his first year of college, and Taehyung first introduced him to Jimin. It’s mostly a blur, but he liked him back then and thought that Jimin was cool, but that’s all he knows about him. Judging by their first meeting that afternoon and now, Yeonjun still thinks the same of him. They should probably hang out alone, just them, so Yeonjun can make a more definitive opinion about him. Right now though, he’s just glad that Taehyung found someone to hold his hand underneath the table as Jimin talks about how happy he is to be here.

Mom cries a little and doesn’t say anything, but dad goes on to tell them that he can’t wait for the wedding.

There’s a lot of love in this table, and Yeonjun feels content. Back at Seoul, he feels stranded in an island he doesn’t know his way to, but right now he feels at ease, like he doesn’t have to be afraid of being lost. He doesn’t know just how much he misses from his life and what kind of changes that he had to endure, just how many years of _this_ that was taken away from him. It’s still frustrating, and somewhere, in the deep recess of his heart, he wishes that his memories would come back, but he knows it’s probably wishful thinking.

When their drinks are served, Yeonjun really needs to go to the bathroom _._

He strides slowly through the crowd, watching the busy atmosphere of the restaurant - the fresh and sharp uniforms of the waiters, the occasional business-clad people on the table, the clattering of spoon over plate, and he feels so much more out of place than before. He takes a quick moment to see himself in the mirror before leaving the bathroom, making sure that there’s no hair out of place.

“ _Yeonjun?_ ”

His blood runs cold. It’s a familiar voice. So familiar even, that his heart misses a beat. He can’t remember when was the last time he heard that voice calling out his name.

He turns around, locks eyes with a pair of eyes he’s known all his life. _One boy in Daegu._

“Beomgyu,” He whispers, can’t believe what he’s seeing. He feels like he’s dreaming, and he can’t feel his hands. “Hi.”

Beomgyu doesn’t look much different - he’s taller than him by just a little, but he still looks so much like the boy met when he was young, still the same boy who lived next door. It’s strange how much time has passed since then, just two little kids holding hands, talking about the future like they had any clue what it meant.

Yeonjun remembers. Remembers when Beomgyu was six and his tooth fell out, remembers Taehyung's indignant laugh when they kept bothering him to play with them, and how he always indulged in the end. He remembers when Beomgyu was fourteen and fell in love with the girl in their class, remembers his first heartbreak and how Yeonjun patiently waited until the light was back in his eyes. Remembers their first kiss under the tree on his backyard, the sweet tint of pink on Beomgyu’s cheeks whey they broke apart.

Yeonjun _remembers._

“Yeonjun,” Beomgyu says, and his eyes widen in disbelief. “Oh my god - it’s really _you_.”

Yeonjun nods, dumbfounded. He stares quietly at Beomgyu and there’s a glint in his eyes that he’s never seen. He looks so much older, not just in the way he looks, but in the way he carries himself - like he’s gained that sense of maturity he didn’t have back then. “It’s me.”

“Do you have a minute?” he asks, the chatter behind him muted and gone. “Please - can we talk?”

“Okay,” Yeonjun says, and he doesn’t know why it hurts as he looks at him under the ghostly light, reminding him of the night that broke his heart.

“It’ll just be a moment.”

Yeonjun follows him quietly, tailing close until they reach the balcony, and Yeonjun rests his elbows on the railing.

He was right. The city looks beautiful from up here. He can see miniature buildings. Twinkling lights from tiny houses. Small cars on the streets. It looks lively, and he realizes this is just little pieces of what made a home in his heart.

Yeonjun turns to look at Beomgyu. He can see him clearly here under the night sky.

Beomgyu’s hair is black now, dark messy strands on his forehead. Yeonjun used to love tucking his hair behind his ear, looking straight in his eyes until he laughs.

“Gyu,” he blurts out, can’t handle the silence any longer.

“I know,” Beomgyu looks back at him, and Yeonjun wants to cry. “It’s weird, isn’t it? We haven’t met for god knows how long, and now we’re _here_. Yeonjun, I haven’t talked to you since -”

“The break up?” Yeonjun guesses.

“Yeah,” he nods, before fixing his gaze on somewhere in the city, and Yeonjun wonders what he has been up to. If his life has changed drastically too. “It was... _ah,_ I don’t even know how to talk about it.”

“I had an accident. A car crash,” Yeonjun forces it out, because he doesn’t want to stall, and he doesn’t know how else to tell him. “I have memory loss. I don’t - I don’t remember what happened to us.”

The silence stretches, long and heavy, but Yeonjun lets it.

“Are you okay? Did you have any injury - ”

“I’m fine,” Yeonjun worries his bottom lip with his teeth. “Really.”

“You’re married,” Beomgyu says, but it sounds more like a question.

“Yeah,” he nods slowly, staring at Beomgyu’s hand, and there’s no ring. “He’s here.”

Beomgyu is looking at him again, and Yeonjun heaves a sigh. He needs to know. He needs to know _now,_ doesn’t know if he’ll ever get another chance.

“Gyu, listen, I - ” Yeonjun grits his teeth, frustrated, panic settling inside of him, knowing that his family, _Soobin_ , is waiting for him, but he can’t - he can’t just go without - “I don’t remember him. I only remember _you_.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Beomgyu breathes out slowly, and it seems like it finally clicks. “You don’t remember the break up - ”

“No,” Yeonjun shakes his head, bites his lips hard enough that it hurts. “I don’t remember anything _else,_ Gyu. Please. Please - just. Tell me.” _So I can rest._

It occurs to him that it’s been years for Beomgyu, but it’s only been a few weeks for Yeonjun. That Beomgyu is dealing with an ex that he hasn’t seen for _years,_ and here he is, begging for an answer like he deserves it.

Beomgyu doesn’t look like he hates him, though. There isn’t a trace of sadness in his face, and Yeonjun just wants to know what the hell happened to them.

“Yeonjun,” Beomgyu calls softly, and he thinks about that night and his goodbye, how he just doesn’t understand. “We were so _young_.”

Yeonjun knows that. They had known each other since they were children, fell in love when they barely knew who they were, and thought they could conquer the world together. He knows that. Remembers that silly determination when he moved to Seoul, thinking that they could make it work.

“It wasn’t like a bad break up or anything, we just grew apart,” He explains patiently, his elbow knocking Yeonjun’s. “Months before that, we just kept fighting. You were busy. I was busy. We didn’t have time to make any phone calls anymore, and... yeah. You popped the question one night, when I called you. You said _this isn’t working, isn’t it_? And that was it.”

Yeonjun stares at his hands, and when he speaks, his voice quivers. “What happened after?”

Beomgyu laughs, but it doesn’t sound bitter. “We stopped talking. We didn’t meet again. I knew you still visit your family here, and I still talk to your brother sometimes, you know, because we were friends too. But you and I - we never crossed paths, and we didn’t bother contacting each other - so, that was... it.”

“Did you know I was married?”

“Of course. I was happy for you,” Beomgyu says, and it sounds so sincere that Yeonjun can’t handle it. “I didn’t get an invite, though.”

“Sorry,” Yeonjun murmurs, ducking his head.

“I get it,” Beomgyu chirps, and he’s beaming at the sky. He doesn’t look like he’s upset at all, he just looks genuinely happy to see him. “I know it would be awkward. We hadn’t talked in years, and if you suddenly gave me a wedding invitation - that would suck. A lot.”

Yeonjun nods, thinks he understands his past self’s decision too. He wouldn’t have invited Beomgyu even if he was in that situation today.

“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun says.

“What for?”

“The break up and how it happened. I shouldn’t have broke it off on the phone.”

“Dumbass,” Beomgyu knocks their shoulders together, and it seems friendly, like he’s really just here to greet an old friend, not an ex. “You weren’t even _there_. You’re not the one who broke up with me.”

Yeonjun laughs, and his eyes feel hot. He misses this, he thinks, misses Beomgyu and his familiarity. Misses Daegu and Beomgyu, and the tree on his backyard that he spent hours under when he waited for Beomgyu to come over.

He knows that it’s over and the remaining memories in his head are just _that._ Memories. He shouldn’t miss _memories._ He knows that he misses these memories because he doesn’t remember the ones after. These are the only memories that he has left anyway.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Beomgyu says quietly, and there’s reminiscence in his voice. “I was heartbroken for a long time. I couldn’t forgive you because I thought it was your fault. But time heals, I guess, and I realized it was nobody’s fault. Not yours. Not mine. We were just young kids in love, didn’t know anything about the world, and that’s okay. Didn’t mean what he had was useless or anything, it was there for a reason, and I. I always carry you with me, you know. You were my best friend in the entire world.”

Yeonjun nods, even when it hurts. “Yeah.”

“There’s one thing, though.” Beomgyu continues, pursing his lips, as he looks down at the street with a thoughtful look. “One thing that never left me.”

“What is it?”

“We never had any real closure,” he says softly, and it seems like it’s been kept inside of his heart for a long time. “We broke up, never met again, and years later... here we are.”

Yeonjun nods again, doesn’t know what to say to that. It must be difficult for Beomgyu to deal with that alone, and Yeonjun thinks that he’s strong to be able to come out of it like this, so visibly unscathed.

“That’s okay,” Beomgyu says, reassuring him, but it sounds like he’s talking to himself too. “Maybe this can be our closure.”

Yeonjun looks at him, and thinks he finally understands. Beomgyu looks like he’s completely moved on from that broken place in his past, and Yeonjun can’t help but feel happy for him. He looks really taken care of, his eyes are shining, and he looks happily content.

This feels like Yeonjun’s closure. He’s relieved to finally know what happened. Desperately glad that Beomgyu’s okay.

He knows that this part of his life is over and Beomgyu is a piece of memory in his mind that he shouldn’t keep on dwelling. He thinks he can finally accept that this shouldn’t hurt him anymore.

“Hey,” Beomgyu nudges him quietly. “I need to go back to my friend. It’s his birthday today.”

Yeonjun looks at a random house below, one that he thinks resembles his, and thinks about how it was back then when he was with Beomgyu. He thinks about summers he used to spend with Beomgyu’s finger interlocked with his, about the stars they used to count in their backyard, the wishes they made whenever Beomgyu lied about seeing a shooting star. He thinks about _everything_ , and even though these memories seem to be fresh in his mind, he knows that it’s not true - that this actually happened a long time ago, and there’s no use clinging into them anymore.

He takes a careful look at Beomgyu and stares at the familiar smile on his lips. It’s familiar, but he realizes that it’s actually not. He doesn’t know this man. There are _years_ between them - new scars, old scars, and Beomgyu has had to live with them since. Yeonjun is only starting now, and he has a life in Seoul with a new face and a new love, and he was _happy_.

Beomgyu has always been his home. His first love, his best friend, the one person he trusts more than anyone else. He knows that it has changed. This isn’t the man still etched in his mind. That man has moved on, and now it’s Yeonjun’s turn.

There are still a lot of things that he wants to say, questions that he needs to ask, but he knows he can’t be here any longer. His family is waiting for him. Maybe another time.

“Bye, Yeonjun,” Beomgyu smiles at him, waving his hand. “Say hi to your husband for me?”

Yeonjun’s heart warms at that, and he nods, “Okay.”

Beomgyu disappears into the crowd. Yeonjun stares at the city one more time, and he thinks about _one boy in Daegu,_ and how he has to let him go.

*

There’s something new when he comes back to their table, and Soobin looks at him. There’s something new in the way Yeonjun looks back at him, the soft thumping of his heart loud and different _._

“What took you so long?” Soobin asks, his eyebrows furrowing. The rest aren’t paying attention to him, doesn’t even care that he’s come back - Taehyung is talking with his mother, Jimin gesturing wildly with his arms, his dad listening with a quiet nod of his head.

Yeonjun contemplates for a moment, whether to tell him about Beomgyu or not, but he thinks about the sadness in Soobin’s eyes and decides against it. “Uh, there was a queue.”

Soobin nods and immediately accepts his answer, but his forehead creases. “I got a little worried there for a second.”

“Why?”

“Scared that you knock your head on the stall or something.”

“How dare you,” Yeonjun gasps, feigning for susprise. It makes Soobin smiles. He thinks Soobin has a nice smile. “No, don’t worry,” he waves his hand dismissively. “I’m fine.”

“Okay, that’s good.”

“Mhm.”

Soobin is still tense. He can see the taut on his shoulders, the invisible weight hovering above his head.

“Hey,” Yeonjun says, and almost forgets what to say. “The food hasn’t arrived yet?”

Soobin shakes his head, playing with the surface of his half empty glass. “Probably soon.”

The food, as Soobin predicted, comes just a few minutes after, and they get quiet as they eat. It’s delicious as expected, and Taehyung keeps making a loud noise each time he swallows a tasty bite which earns a scolding from mom, but she doesn’t really make any effort to stop him.

All in all, Yeonjun thinks it’s nice to get to know Jimin like this - a welcomed addition to the family. He knows it’s a celebratory dinner for them, but he really appreciates it, being together after what happened. Yeonjun is glad to know that nothing really has changed - sure, years of his life have been wiped out from his mind, but at least he still has _this._ A family to come home to.

He thinks he’s okay with that.

*

“So,” Yeonjun starts, fiddling with his pillow sheet. He stares at the half closed bathroom door, can hear Soobin inside. “Can I ask you something?”

He waits for a moment, and when Soobin comes out, he’s make-up free and dressed in a simple shirt with pajama pants. He looks comfortable, his dark hair fluffy and messy, but Yeonjun still thinks he looks as good as he did back in the restaurant.

“Sure, go ahead.” Soobin says, and goes over to the mattress beside the bed. He fluffs the sheets and pillow, not looking at him.

“Um,” Yeonjun hesitates, but decides to just ask him in a straightforward manner. There’s no use going around the bush. “What’s going on with you?”

Soobin stays quiet, his hands halting in the sheets. He can hear him sigh softly, but Yeonjun can’t stare at his face, can’t figure out what’s thinking.

“You notice?” He asks in a breath, and sits cross-legged on the mattress, now facing him. He looks tired mostly, but it’s still there, the ghostly dejection behind his eyes.

“Very hard not to.”

Soobin wipes his hand over his face until his cheek is squished against his palm. “Sorry,” he whispers glumly. “Must be annoying.”

“No, it’s not that,” Yeonjun shakes his head firmly. He leans forward a little, just so they can be eye to eye on this, figuratively and literally. “I’m just worried, Soobin.”

Soobin chuckles gently, the sound resounding in the room and maybe in Yeonjun’s heart, too. “You’re worried about me, huh?”

He takes his pillow and smashes it lightly against Soobin’s arm, “Shut up, you jackass,” he goes back to sit on the bed, but he laughs, and relief washes over him when Soobin smiles. “Of course I am. Aren’t I supposed to be your husband or something?”

Soobin locks his gaze to the foot of Yeonjun’s bed, “It’s okay,” he says quietly. “You don’t need to hear about it, Junie.”

“But I want to.”

“It’s nothing, really. Nothing you have to worry about.”

“Soobin...” Yeonjun calls out, and there’s resolution in his voice. He pats the bed. “Come here? Please?”

Soobin stares at him for a second, like he’s debating it, but eventually gives up. Yeonjun scoots over so Soobin can sit in front of him.

The night is too quiet. He can hear the wind, the soft footsteps of his parents downstairs. He can hear Soobin’s soft inhales and see the tension on his shoulders.

He notices that their knees are almost touching.

“Soobin, remember what I said?” Yeonjun starts, sighing heavily. He isn’t actually sure how to approach this, but he wants to try. “I want to remember you, but you need to help _me,_ ” he breathes out desperately. “Don’t meet me halfway. Please.”

Soobin has his eyes closed, his lips shut tight, but he slowly nods. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

Yeonjun waits patiently. He doesn’t want to overwhelm him, so he gives him space, but not too much that Soobin still knows that he’s here.

“I’m just,” Soobin says, and it sounds broken. “I’m just scared, Yeonjun.”

“Of what?”

“Losing this. Losing,” Soobin stops, and when he opens his eyes and looks at Yeonjun, there’s heartbreak in his gaze. “ - you.”

Yeonjun reaches out and holds his hand. Soobin freezes for a moment, but as Yeonjun squeezes it reassuringly, he immediately relaxes on his touch.

“Why?” He asks gently, urging him to go on.

Before Soobin even opens his mouth, Yeonjun knows this is a story that he has heard before.

“I cried when I first met your mom,” Soobin explains slowly, and there’s a glimmer of smile curling in the corner of his lips, like he’s reminiscing on a bittersweet memory. “When we stayed over this house that night, you held me until I stopped crying. You didn’t let go,” he holds his breath, _a second_ , another - before it spills out: “ _You never did._ ”

“Why did you cry?”

Soobin ducks his head, like he wants to hide, but Yeonjun keeps holding his hand.

“I had just lost my mom then,” He rushes out, and his voice is shaky. “My dad hasn’t been around since I was a kid. He still isn’t, even now. So meeting your family - it felt like... having another home.”

Soobin tightens his grip, bracing himself. “I’m just afraid to be back here again because I almost lost you, and I almost lost this, too. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost this, Yeonjun...”

“Soobin...” Yeonjun whispers, feels like he needs to say something, but doesn’t know how.

“It’s really stupid, I know - it’s just,” He interjects, shaking his head, and Yeonjun just wants to hold him. “The accident...”

“Yeah?”

“I lost my mom in an accident too. It’s...”

Yeonjun closes his eyes, feels like something is punching him right in the gut, knocking the air out of his lungs. This is the first time Soobin has ever said anything to him like _this._ The first time Yeonjun can see the layer hidden behind his eyes, the weight of his wound that he keeps inside.

“I couldn’t control what happened to her,” Soobin says, and now that he’s started talking, it seems like he can’t stop. “She was just out to get grocery... I was at my dorm...”

Yeonjun doesn’t want to imagine it _,_ so he leans forward until their foreheads knock, Soobin’s harsh breath fanning over his face.

“Our accident... I feel like I should’ve control it, somehow,” Soobin reveals, and it sounds like a secret that he’s been holding onto all this time. “... that I could’ve... that maybe if I just... we wouldn’t....”

He stops to catch his breath, and Yeonjun uses the moment to cup his face, looking right into his eyes. “I might not remember what happened,” he says regretfully, and for the first time he wishes he shares the same pain as him. “But I know there’s nothing else that you could do. Soobin, it wasn’t your fault. No one is blaming you. Not my mom. Not me. No one thinks it was your fault.”

Soobin exhales through his mouth, like it pains him to hear Yeonjun’s words, but he knows that he needs to hear it. He waits, until it settles in Soobin’s heart - waits, until he believes him.

He looks at Yeonjun, eyes traveling across his face like he’s trying to find any doubt there. When he doesn’t find it, he nods and knocks their foreheads together again.

Yeonjun wraps his arms around his back and rests his head on his shoulder. He can feel Soobin calming down, the rise of his chest gradually slows.

“I’m sorry,” Soobin says against his ear.

“No,” he shakes his head, feeling the soft flutter of his hair on his cheek. “You don’t have to be sorry about anything.”

“Thank you for listening to me.”

Yeonjun smiles, and he echoes what Soobin said to him back in the car in that parking lot. “Thank you for telling me.”

They stay that way for a while, listening to each other’s breathing, and Yeonjun feels content. After a moment, he lies himself sideway on the bed and tugs Soobin’s hand until he falls over too.

“Hey, there,” Yeonjun says softly, when Soobin’s head meets the other end of his pillow. They’re so close like this, he could count Soobin’s eyelashes if he wants to.

“Hey,” Soobin whispers back, and instinctively reaches for Yeonjun’s hand. Yeonjun interlocks their fingers together until their palms meet, Soobin’s wedding ring presses cold against his skin.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

“I really love the sky,” Yeonjun tells him slowly, staring back at Soobin’s attentive gaze. He always does this, whenever he talks, such undivided attention that can’t break. “I love watching the clouds move.”

He knows Soobin probably knows this about him - hell, they’ve dated for _years._ Married for one. Soobin probably already knows everything about him, but this is something that he needs to do. He wants to give a piece of himself to Soobin, not about his past, but something that he feels now, something that is _true_ now.

Despite it, Soobin still listens to him intently, as if he hasn’t heard this before. Yeonjun continues, “I love the color of it. How it changes so much even within a single day,” he thinks about it in his mind, and he wonders if they’ve ever done it before, just watching the sky, the two of them together. “How it can be so blue, or pink, or a bunch of colors that we can’t really make of. Even the night sky isn’t always pitch black, sometimes there are stars.”

Soobin smiles softly, and Yeonjun watches until it blooms. “It makes me calm, I guess. Grounds me, helps me think. Reminds me of how big the world is.”

“I’ve never understood that.”

“Watching the sky?”

“Yeah,” Soobin nods, and his gaze doesn’t falter. “You love it so much.”

“You should do it sometimes.”

“Maybe,” Soobin laughs quietly, and he looks overwhelmingly fond. “I love hearing you talk about it.”

“Why?”

“Just because.”

Yeonjun stares at him until his eyelids feel heavy, and yawns. “Soobin, are you sleepy?” he asks, and when he looks at him, Soobin has sunk further into Yeonjn’s pillow.

“Mm.”

“Me too. Do you want to sleep?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Yeonjun gets up to the other side of the room and turns off the light. He doesn’t mention that Soobin was supposed to sleep on the mattress, and quietly takes Soobin’s pillow for him to sleep on. He turns on the bedside lamp and it casts a warm light over them.

When he comes back to the bed, Soobin reaches for his hand again. He lets him until Soobin’s knuckles are nestled against his cheek.

“Yeonjun,” Soobin calls out, and even though Yeonjun can’t see him, he feels his breath on his mouth. “I love you.”

Yeonjun lets it hang in the air, and closes his eyes.


	2. chrysalis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home _n._ Seoul

Sometimes, in the morning light, Yeonjun thinks he understands.

Soobin always squints at the window, at the parted curtains, whenever he walks over to the kitchen. There’s always such fluffines in his face whenever he wakes up, that sheer innocence in his eyes that Yeonjun wants to unravel.

It’s nothing much, never is - but there is _something_ familiar about the soft ruffle of Soobin’s messy hair, the crumple imprint on his shirt, the soft roundness of his cheeks. There is always something aching about the faint smile on his lips, that unwavering gaze when he finally spots Yeonjun at the dining table. Such weight, such gravity, in just one look.

Yeonjun doesn’t say anything, but he stares, and he feels. Most of the time, he doesn’t know what it means. If the warmth in his heart should ever have a name.

He stares, at the man with checkered pajama pants, his smile blinding, and somehow, with it all:

Yeonjun thinks he understands.

It’s been two weeks since Daegu, and Yeonjun feels okay. He doesn’t feel as out of place, and the apartment is getting more comfortable to him, that sense of belonging growing everyday. He’s starting to get more familiar with everything - the pastel pink blanket Soobin always keeps laying on their living room because he tends to fall asleep everywhere, and how he loves to wrap himself with it whenever he watches something on Netflix. He feels fond now, just by looking at Soobin’s spot on the couch with the usual space he leaves out for Yeonjun.

There is something _different_ about them. There is still a gap, a bridge Yeonjun hasn’t crossed, but he knows that something has shifted between them. The air of awkwardness and hesitation has slowly vanished, leaving them with curiosity and fleeting glances.

Soobin is still giving him distance. He notices that sometimes Soobin would reach his hand out to Yeonjun but holds back, or the way Yeonjun would caught him scooting closer to him, but pushes back in the last second. It’s probably habit, muscle memory, and it makes Yeonjun wonder how Soobin usually acts before the accident.

There is a new layer of openness, though. After dinner, they would talk about their day. He reckons it’s not the same level of trust that they had before, but Soobin actually talks about himself now. There are still things that he keeps inside, but he hesitates less, and he opens up more. Yeonjun appreciates it, and finds himself wanting to know him more.

It’s Sunday, and the sky is bright. The clouds are stark white, forming vague shapes against blue. He’s in Taehyun’s apartment. He lives alone, so there is a lot of space here, and he reserves a section of the living room as a homemade dance studio. It’s an open room with no furniture, and a wall of mirror on the other side. Yeonjun is amazed the first time he sees it.

Taehyun tells him he likes looking at himself dance because he can spot what he needs to improve, and he loves seeing the progress that he’s made. He was a dance major too, like Yeonjun. Yeonjun likes to see it, the determination and passion in Taehyun’s eyes, appreciates his thrive to be good at what he does.

Taehyun has been helping him dance again, acting like a dance teacher to Yeonjun. Taehyun tells him this is just a friend helping a friend, and Yeonjun should just feel that again, the drive in himself, but these sessions are actually really helping him a lot.

Yeonjun has agreed to start teaching again. It’s been a few weeks anyway, and he doesn’t want to keep being a burden. He feels suffocatingly pressured. He doesn’t want to disappoint anyone.

“You’re _not_ going to disappoint anyone,” Taehyun snorts, seemingly had read his mind, and throws a water bottle at him. “Hyung, you’re doing great. Don’t worry.”

Yeonjun tries to catch his breath, holding to his knees as he heaves. He gulps the water down until the dryness in his throat dissipates.

“Am I?” Yeonjun asks hoarsely, stares at his reflection in the mirror. He looks... tired, his face red, and there’s frustation in his eyes. He never likes looking at himself like that, it’s unnerving.

Taehyun pats the floor next to him, and Yeonjun skips over and sits beside him, stretching his legs on the wood floor.

“You’re being a perfectionist again,” Taehyun points out, and Yeonjun huffs.

“I’m _not.”_

 _“_ Mhm, sure.”

Yeonjun knocks the back of his head on the mirror behind him. It’s been such a long time since he danced like that. It’s comforting here, and he has become so used to being around Taehyun.

“You lost your memories, hyung, you didn’t lose your ability to dance _.”_ Taehyun pats his knee comfortingly. “I actually read that you don’t lose your skills when you have amnesia, so there is really _nothing_ that you have to worry about.”

Yeonjun snorts, even though he knows that it’s true. Sure, he only lost his memories, but this thing takes time, _right?_ It’s not like he can just go back to how he used to be, or remembers all the practice that he had to go through to be where he is right now.

He still needs to learn again. He just, simply, wants to be the best he can be.

“Yeah,” Yeonjun lets out a dragged out sigh. “Maybe. I don’t know. I’m just - worried, I guess.”

“I look up to you, you know,” Taehyun says suddenly, that Yeonjun turns his head so quick it almost gives him whiplash. “I couldn’t even believe you wanted to be friends with me. I’m a few years younger than you, but you’ve never saw me as inexperienced. Instead, you want me to learn with you.”

He gives him a weighed look, and smiles, “All I’m saying is, you’re the coolest person I know, so you don’t have to worry about tomorrow. You’ll do okay, hyung. _Trust me._ ”

Yeonjun doesn’t know what to say to that. Maybe he wants to cry a little.

“Thanks, Tyun,” He says sincerely, feeling really touched that it renders him speechless. Taehyun is always so unpredictable - he’s such a straightforward person, and yet he can also be overwhelmingly sweet and honest. “I’m so glad I met you.”

“Such a sap,” Taehyun laughs, as if he wasn’t the one just baring his heart out. “Do you want to start again?”

Yeonjun nods and exhales. He feels a newfound confidence, and maybe Taehyun is right. Maybe he really doesn’t have anything to worry about.

He turns on the music and dances until he can’t feel his legs.

*

When Yeonjun opens his phone, Soobin has texted him an abundant of texts in the last hour.

**_soobin_ **

junie when are you done?

can you meet me here?

[location]

there’s something i want to show you

but only if you want! i’m not forcing you or anything

sorry if that’s weird

Yeonjun smiles, and immediately texts him back.

**_me_ **

of course!!! i just got out of tyun’s. omw see u there!!

*

It’s a small cafe. A really cute one, at that.

Yeonjun immediately spots Soobin at the far end of the cafe. He sits alone on a booth, playing on his phone. Yeonjun strides over excitedly.

“Hey, stranger,” Yeonjun greets, taking a seat across from him. Soobin looks up, clearly surprised, but a smile quickly grows as he sees that it’s him.

Soobin is wearing a plain white shirt with a denim jacket. He looks good, but Yeonjun has come to the devastating realization that he _always_ looks good. He really shouldn’t be surprised anymore.

“Hi,” he greets back, and then squints his eyes suspiciously. “Did you just steal that from _Mr. And Mrs. Smith?_ ”

“Maybe,” Yeonjun grins, spots the cup of coffee on the table. “I thought you didn’t like coffee.”

Soobin shakes his head, and tilts his head to the counter. “I didn’t come for the coffee, actually. But I got bored.”

“Why are you here for then?”

Soobin grins sheepishly. “You’ll have to wait and find out.”

“What,” Yeonjun can’t help but laugh. It’s seriously endearing - the playful lilt of Soobin’s eyebrow, the teasing shine in his eyes. “What are you being so secretive for?”

He shrugs, and sips the coffee slowly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Shut up,” Yeonjun takes the cup from him, and eyes it closely. He gives Soobin a look, asking for permission, and he nods. “Mhmh,” He hums, curiously sipping the coffee, tasting the faint bitter laced with a lot of sweet on his tongue. He scrunches his nose. “Ah, it’s good?”

“Liar.”

“It _is_ good!”

Soobin takes the cup again, “You like it bitter. I like it sweet. This is way too sweet for you.”

Yeonjun pouts, forgets that _of course_ Soobin knows that about him. “Is that why you married me?”

“Huh?”

“You like it sweet,” Yeonjun explains, crosses his arms on the table and gives him a wink. “and I’m very sweet.”

Soobin chuckles, his eyes becoming crescents. “No,” he shakes his head firmly, and purses his lips like he’s actually thinking about it. “The man I married flirts better than this.”

“ _Rude,_ ” Yeonjun gasps dramatically. He stares at the clear window, noticing that it’s not very crowded here. “Do you go here often? Is this your go-to cafe?”

Soobin eagerly nods, taking another sip of his coffee. “Yeah, it’s pretty close to my office.”

“It’s nice,” Yeonjun says, and it really is. It’s small enough that even if it’s packed, it wouldn’t be too crammed, and it feels homey, almost.

Soobin suddenly gets up, and from here, the light surrounds him until he’s the only thing that Yeonjun can see.

“Come on,” He says, flashing that mischevious grin. “Don’t you want to find out about the secret?”

As he passes the counter, the cashier slides him a paper bag. Yeonjun tilts his head curiously, but Soobin doesn’t say anything.

*

A few minutes later, they arrive at a park, and it’s crowded, bustling with people.

Yeonjun opens his mouth, amazed. He stares at the trees, at little children playing and laughing, and most importantly: he stares at the sky.

It’s pretty; blue, but with a shade of pink. He gapes at Soobin, and he’s smiling.

“You can see the sky clearly here,” Soobin explains and starts walking. Yeonjun follows him close, their arms touching as they find an empty patch of grass under a tree. “Sit.”

Yeonjun can’t help but laugh. It truly is beautiful here that the joy growing inside him is almost too much. He doesn’t even think about how his clothes are disgusting and wet from sweat, or at the way his muscles are sore from the exhilirating hours of dancing.

“Do you like it?” Soobin asks softly.

Yeonjun shakes his head in disbelief, and chuckles until his eyes are closed. It’s so silly, and he thinks maybe he’s been so worried about tomorrow that even this overwhelms him. “No,” he says, tugging the grass absentmindedly. “I _love_ it.”

Soobin beams at him. As if this made him happy too, somehow. He looks up, his eyes roaming into the distance, and Yeonjun follows his trail of gaze.

“You’ve been really stressed,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun stares at that one cloud in the middle of the sky that is seperated from the rest. He wonders if Soobin is looking at that exact one too. “I thought this would cheer you up.”

“It’s _stunning,_ ” Yeonjun drags his knees to his chest. Mesmerized by how much he can see from here. The vastness of the sky that stretches out to places that he can’t see. “Some people are afraid of it, you know.”

“Hm?”

“The sky. Some people are afraid of it,” He elaborates, still tasting the coffee on his tongue. “Of the idea that you can’t really see... all of it. Ever, really.”

“Are you,” Soobin moves beside him, and Yeonjun can see the dirt on the sole of his shoes. “afraid of it?”

Yeonjun doesn’t need to think about it. It’s an answer that he always has, but he still ponders, taking his time. Looks at that lonely cloud again, and wishes it would move and gather with its friends.

“No,” he says, shaking his head slowly. “I’m not.”

“Why?”

Yeonjun wonders if Soobin has asked him this before, and if it was a different answer than the one he wants to say now. He turns his head, and looks at Soobin.

“Because I don’t care how big the world is,” Yeonjun declares, and he watches each time Soobin’s eyelashes meet his cheeks. He counts quietly - one. Two. Three. _Four._ “I don’t think I ever did. It just comforts me. Knowing that despite how scary it is, I’m still... _here._ ”

Yeonjun doesn’t understand the ache in his chest. That persistent longing since he woke up, nagging the walls of his ribcage, begging him to _feel_ it.

He stares at the pink tint on Soobin’s skin. At the way his hands are clasped on his lap. At the way his eyes shine against the evening light.

“Junie,” Soobin suddenly calls, and Yeonjun flinches in surprise. Soobin doesn’t notice. “Can you... move?”

Yeonjun furrows his eyebrow confusedly but proceeds anyway, sitting cross-legged in front of Soobin, so he’s facing the tree. “Why?”

“I want to draw,” Soobin opens his bag and takes out his sketchbook. Grinning, he puts it against his thigh. “But you can’t see it until it’s finished.”

“Why,” Yeonjun asks again, pouting. That’s isn’t fair.

Soobin laughs, and gives him the paper bag from the cafe. “Here. For you,” Yeonjun eyes it for a second before tearing it open.

It’s. Bread. It’s _just_ bread.

“You used to always buy me bread when we were dating,” Soobin says quietly in reminisince, his pencil moving on the paper. “Especially when you knew I was stressed about something - before a test, or a job interview.”

It smells amazing, and Yeonjun munches on it tentatively. “You love bread?”

“I did,” Soobin says, nodding. “I grew out of it, though. I like ice cream now.”

“Oh. That ice cream place near the grocery store. Your favorite, right?”

Soobin nods. “Yeah, right after that obsession faded.” Then he looks up, and watches Yeonjun intently with a serious gaze.

Yeonjun stiffens a little, bashful at the sudden attention. “What are you drawing?”

He looks down again, smiling, and Yeonjun just wants to take a quick look at the book. Curious. “The sky,” he says, like it’s obvious.

“So, why can’t I just sit beside you?”

“Because you’re going to _cheat_ and peek at it even when I told you not to.”

“That’s not true,” Yeonjun says, but his voice cracks at the end.

“Liar,” Soobin laughs quietly. “You’re a bad liar.”

“Shut up,” Yeonjun crosses his arms, and pouts again. “You’re not allowed to insult me like that.”

Soobin nods and indulges him, but he keeps laughing. Yeonjun wants to smack him.

“So,” he starts, his gaze going back and forth between the paper and Yeonjun. “How did it go?”

“With Taehyun?”

“Yeah.”

Yeonjun takes another bite of the bread, mulls it over. “I’m... a lot more confident about it, I think.”

“You have nothing to worry about.”

“That’s what Taehyun said.”

“He’s right,” Soobin says firmly, and looks at him fondly. “You’ll do great. I’m sure of it.”

“Why?”

Soobin doesn’t answer for a moment. There’s a smile on his lips, barely there, but consuming. “Because it’s _you_ ,” he says then, bare on his tongue, like it’s that simple.

“You can’t know that,” Yeonjun shakes his head. He can hear his heartbeat blooming quicker. “I just want to be good, Soobin.”

“I know,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun thinks maybe he knows that more than anyone else. “But you’re always good, Junie.”

“You think so?”

“You’re determined about everything. You’ve been practicing nonstop. I barely see you lately,” Soobin speaks in that honey-laced voice. “ _Of course_ you’re going to do great.”

Yeonjun finds himself believing him, and he nods, his tongue tied. “Okay.”

They don’t say anything after. Just savoring the quiet atmosphere, enjoying the evening wind. Soobin is concentrating hard, but he looks at Yeonjun every now and then, and Yeonjun keeps catching his gaze. It makes him a little flustered, but he can’t help but stare back and watches the way Soobin’s hand moves, completely mesmerized.

When Yeonjun finishes the bread, Soobin still hasn’t finished his drawing.

“What are you drawing?” Yeonjun asks again, because he’s starting to feel sore.

“I told you. I’m drawing the sky,” Soobin answers without looking up. Yeonjun doesn’t believe him.

“Mhm. _Sure,_ ” Yeonjun leans forward, trying to peek, but Soobin quickly retreats, holding the sketchbook tight, pressing it close on his chest.

“Be patient,” Soobin warns him, but there’s no edge to it. “Let me draw in _peace_.”

“Fine.”

Yeonjun stares at the sky. He can’t see the lonely cloud anymore.

He doesn’t remember how long they stay like that - sitting in front of each other and letting the silence flood over them until Yeonjun feels nothing but warmth.

The sky has darkened when Soobin finally stands up and dusts his jeans. Yeonjun follows, perking at the sketchbook still on Soobin’s tight grip.

“Can I see it now?”

Soobin gives the book to him, and his eyes are tender when he looks at him. “It’s for you.”

Yeonjun looks at the drawing. His breath hitches.

It’s _him._ It’s a drawing of him, sitting cross-legged on grass, and there are people behind him -running, laughing, blurred figures that don’t have names. Soobin draws the sky just as it is, vast, with pretty clouds dancing. It’s a quick sketch, but Soobin manages to make it look _so_ alive.

He can’t stop looking at him. At Yeonjun on the paper. The lines are soft, gentle. Yeonjun looks so precious like this, a delicate etched of graphite. There is a small smile on his lips, and there is such heaviness in the way Soobin draws his eyes. His stare. Piercing, and yet familiar. He looks happy here.

Yeonjun looks up, but Soobin has already turned his back, walking away slowly from the park. He startles, his feet stuck on the ground, and there are so many things caught in his throat, but nothing comes out.

 _I’m still here,_ his mind echoes what he said to Soobin, and adds quietly; almost like an afterthought, something that he feels but can’t convey,

_with you._

*

Life becomes _kind of_ normal after that.

Yeonjun starts teaching regularly. Soobin drops him off when he can, but Yeonjun mostly takes the bus. Such a mundane thing to do alone that makes Yeonjun feel capable. He loves watching people there - the busy atmosphere that he sees bare in the air of the city. It’s like he’s starting over again, and his life is finally back on track.

He felt like his heart is going to explode when he steps inside the dance studio for the first time. Turns out, it’s not that scary, and these students have known him for a while. He gets a few new students, though, and they like him just the same.

He loves the attention, thrives on the fact that they’re looking at him with passion in their eyes. Taehyun was right, he has _nothing_ to worry about - as if his body moves without thinking, as if it remembers what he doesn’t. It’s even _more_ fun this way, observing them, pinpointing little things that could make them better. He has always loved doing this, picking parts and details that would complete the whole picture.

It’s _easy._ As easy as breathing, because this is what he genuinely loves doing since he was young _._ It feels like falling back into an old familiar habit, nothing scary about it. Deeply exciting, but not scary.

He goes home that day with so much energy, that Soobin looks at him with questioning eyes, but he looks happy for him too. Yeonjun tells him about the class and the students, and how it feels to be back in the studio again. Soobin smiles the entire time, the one where it slowly grows, like sunrise. At the end, it feels like Yeonjun has to look away. Such bright smile, tender eyes - Yeonjun still thinks he doesn’t deserve it.

Soobin brings him to his brother’s house one day. Seokjin has Soobin’s smile, and his corner of his eyes crinkle when he laughs. He reminds him so much of Soobin, the way he holds such attention when Yeonjun talks, at the amount of care he puts in every of his words. His husband, Yoongi, doesn’t talk much, but when he does, it’s soft and caring, and Yeonjun can tell that he’s just shy. Yeonjun understands, this is like their first meeting after all.

He watches Seokjin and Yoongi through dinner, and he realizes that they love each other silently. With Taehyung and Jimin, he can instantly pick up the signs, knows the obvious lingering in their eyes, the constant magnet pull to each other’s skin. It’s different, with Seokjin and Yoongi. It’s the little things, like the way Yoongi gently holds Seokjin’s shoulder when he’s preparing the dinner, or how he instantly goes up to bring him a glass of water when Seokjin laughs too hard and chokes on his food.

They’re a joy to be around, and Yeonjun’s heart warms as he watches Soobin and Seokjin banter playfully. It’s not a big family, but it’s enough to make his heart full. On the way home, Soobin can’t stop smiling and Yeonjun wants to hold his hand.

Yeonjun surprisingly gets quite busy then, finding himself always exhausted at the end of the day, and sometimes he just competely sleeps the whole night off. He’s really getting familiar with Seoul, and how life was back then before the accident. It feels like he’s back on track again.

He feels okay. It doesn’t feel as heavy anymore.

Between classes, he still has to do regular check-ups to the hospital. Soobin accompanies him sometimes, but Yeonjun goes alone when he can. The doctor says his vitals are okay, and asks him if the memories has come back yet.

Yeonjun stays quiet for a moment, and there’s that desperation in his chest, the desire to cling to what he used to have. But he thinks about their apartment and the dance studio, about Soobin’s now familiar smile and Taehyun’s fiery hair, and slowly shakes his head.

“No,” he says, and his voice doesn’t shake. It doesn’t feel like resignation, but acceptance.

When he comes home, Soobin is wrapped around his pink blanket. He’s snuggled on the far end of the couch, leaving a gaping space on the other end. It seems like an subconscious decision for him to leave a space for Yeonjun even when he isn’t here. 

Yeonjun goes to his room, and smiles.

*

“So,” Taehyung starts, looking at him with that intense gaze, like he’s trying to dig secrets out of him. “How’s Seoul?”

Taehyung is visiting for the day. He’s here for the wedding preparation, some stuff that he needs to pick up and arrange, but he wants to spend the rest of the day with Yeonjun. It’s fortunate that his class was already finished in the afternoon.

It’s a nice day; the sun is out and warm, the sky is bright and blue. They’ve been talking a lot in the car, well - Taehyung’s the one who’s mostly been talking, but that’s acceptable. He’s the one getting married, and Yeonjun’s happy just listening him. His brother sounds happy, even when he looks a little stressed. It must be really hectic, preparing such an awaited wedding.

“Uh,” Yeonjun thinks about it, stares at the fountain in the middle of the mall.

“I know you’ve lived here for a long time,” Taehyung continues, spooning his ice cream. There’s a nice parlour on the second floor, and Yeonjun immediately suggests this place for them to take a quick break. Taehyung’s been busy since morning, he probably needs it. “But you know what I mean.”

Yeonjun nods, tasting mint on his tongue, thinks about ice cream cones in a car on a grocery store’s parking lot. “It’s nice,” he says, “I like Seoul a lot, actually. I understand why I chose to move here.”

Taehyung laughs, and smacks him on the arm. “ _Dumbass._ ”

Yeonjun winces. He retaliates by pinching the skin on Taehyung’s bony wrist, which earns him another smack.

“Ow,” He grimaces, squinting his eyes sharply at his brother. “What’s that for?”

Taehyung shakes his head, and he gives him that intense stare again, but he looks thoughtful - like he’s thinking it over. “You didn’t move here because you like the city, you dumbass,” he says, but there’s no bite to it. Just a simple utterance. “You moved here because Soobin’s here.”

Yeonjun dwells on it. He didn’t think of it like that before.

“Ah, you’re right,” he stares at his spoon. He wonders if Soobin’s ever been to this parlour, and if he likes it. “I never... realized that.”

Taehyung smacks him again, and steals the last of his remaining scoop.

“Come on, we’re going shopping.”

Before he can even protest, Taehyung grabs his arm abruptly and starts walking. Yeonjun has been to this mall before with Taehyun. It was after their classes had finished. He wanted to play arcade, and Yeonjun simply indulged. Turns out, he had so much fun that he ended up bringing Taehyun here more than he had anticipated.

“How’s the house, hyung?”

Taehyung immediately beams at that, gripping his shoulder excitedly. “It’s going really _well_ ,” he says, and sighs dreamily. “You’re going to _love_ it, Jun-ah.”

“I’m sure I will. Can I swim in your pool?”

“The pool is Jimin’s territory, don’t ask me.”

Yeonjun laughs, stil hasn’t quite believed that this is his brother’s life now. “I’m not scared of your fiance.”

“You shouldn’t be,” Taehyung says softly, and drags him to a clothing store. They’re instantly greeted by a soft gash of wind, the fragnance strong and sharp. Taehyung goes to one of the racks and starts going through the clothes.

“Speaking of life partners,” Taehyung adds mischiveously, looking piercely right at him. “How is he?”

Yeonjun yanks some of the shirts to the side absentmindedly, isn’t even sure what he’s looking for. He suddenly feels bashful, has always hated Taehyung’s teasing because he’s so easily flustered when confronted, and his brother always knows how to push his buttons. “He’s good,” he says, staring at the colorful fabrics so he doesn’t have to catch his gaze.

“And you?”

“What about me?”

“You and him,” Taehyung raises a brow at him, and Yeonjun ducks, fixating at one of the silky blouse and how it shines under the bright light. “How is that going on?”

“Ah, it’s,” Yeonjun mumbles, cursing under his breath. Even thinking about Soobin makes him blush. He hasn’t even figured it out on his own yet, let alone talking it out with his own brother. It’s _embarrassing._ “I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?” Taehyung asks incredulously. “It’s a simple question.”

“I guess,” Yeonjun walks over to the next rack, still casting aside each hanger of the clothes carelessly, and thinks about the right words to say. “I can see why I married him.”

Taehyung laughs at him, and it’s loud in his ears. Yeonjun’s face turns hot.

“Jun-ah, my little bro,” Taehyung says teasingly, and Yeonjun can see his playful grin from his peripheral. “You like him, don’t you?”

“Shut up,” Yeonjun denies quickly, but his hearbeat plummets. This is why he hates his brother sometimes. He can freely tease him like this and gets away with it. But it’s nice, he supposes, that Taehyung is talking about this so casually, not mentioning his memory loss at all.

“Don’t worry about it too much, Jun.” Taehyung says gently, his teasing tone completely disappears in a blink of an eye.

“I’m not worried. I’m just,” Yeonjun bites back, trying to hold it in, but _that_ voice, such a calming presence to him, always. This is what he was afraid of. He knows that when he starts opening up, he’ll end up babbling everything to him. It happens all the time with Taehyung. Just one gentle, reassuring nudge, and Yeonjun would reveal his most hidden secrets. “Curious, to see where it goes.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Yeonjun can hear people’s walking in and out the store.

“You’re really a dumbass,” Taehyung says in disbelief. “You can’t really go anywhere _else._ You are already married!”

“That’s not what I meant!”

Taehyung just laughs at him again, so maybe _yeah,_ he does know what Yeonjun means. He walks closer to him, so Yeonjun moves to the next rack. A deliberate avoidance.

“You’ve never been worried about these kind of things,” Taehyung claims, and Yeonjun realizes that Taehyung is treating him as Yeonjun in the present, not the Yeonjun that he knew. They’re talking about Soobin as if he’s a stranger, and not a husband he’s been married to for a year - which in this case, is _true_. Soobin is still new for him. “What’s so different?”

“Soobin already knows me,” Yeonjun sighs, his hands halting on the rack. “I just - I don’t know. Maybe I don’t want to disappoint him. Maybe I’m scared that he likes past Yeonjun better.”

“But that’s still _you_ , Jun-ah.” Taehyung reassures firmly, Yeonjun almost believes him. “Of course he still likes you. It’s not like you need to steal his heart again, or something.”

“Yeah, but - you don’t get it,” Yeonjun says frustratingly. This has been in his mind for a while, and now that he’s voiced it out loud like this, the walls are crumbling down. “He has been through this before. This whole process, with _me._ He’s dated me, married me. I _haven’t_. This is all new to me.”

Taehyung seems to think it over, but he slowly nods. “I understand.”

“He looks at me, and I know that there are so many things that he wants to say but holds back,” Yeonjun spills out, and he thinks about the many times Soobin reaches for his hand but retreats in the last second, like he’s scared. “I’m afraid of that, hyung. There’s that... bridge. Between his hesitance, and my cluelessness, I don’t know how to reach out to him.”

Yeonjun knows he needs to earn it. Whatever he had with Soobin, he needs to earn it too. He can’t expect Soobin to open his heart out again. He may lost his memories, but Soobin also lost the husband that he had that level of trust with.

He needs to earn that trust again, then maybe Soobin would treat him the way he used to.

“You can always talk to him, Jun.” Taehyung advises, and Yeonjun’s stomach twists uncomfortably. “I mean, at this point. You guys are... friends, right?”

Yeonjun thinks about him asking to be friends and how Soobin accepted it happily, like it was all he wanted anyway. Maybe that’s why it always feels heavy, because Soobin never expects anything out of him. He waits, doesn’t crowd on his space, but still looks at him like _that._

He sighs heavily, guilt eating away at his nerves. “Hyung,” he says, testing it out. “There’s something that I need to tell you.”

“Yeah?”

“I met Beomgyu,” Yeonjun confides quietly. “Back in Daegu, at the restaurant. He was there with a friend. We just talked, I asked him about the break up. That’s all that was, but I haven’t told Soobin.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know how.”

“I sent him an invitation,” Taehyung reveals suddenly, and winces.

“What?”

“Beomgyu,” Taehyung elaborates, and looks at Yeonjun regretfully. “I invited him to the wedding.”

Yeonjun remembers Beomgyu telling him, back against the railing, that they still talk sometimes. It makes sense, they were friends too. He can’t think of a reason why they should lose ties when Yeonjun was the one who broke up with Beomgyu.

“Is that okay?”

“He’s your friend too,” Yeonjun says, even when an uneasy feeling spikes right through him. He doesn’t want to think about it now, not when the wedding is still months away. “And it’s _your_ wedding. Don’t change things for me, hyung.”

Taehyung stays quiet for a moment, the sound of the hanger against the rack piercing in his ears. When he speaks, that soft, big-brotherly voice is back, “You should tell Soobin, Jun-ah. Maybe the meeting doesn’t mean anything to you, but Soobin doesn’t know that. Even if you guys are, you know, _friends_ now, I still think it’s important to be honest to each other.”

Yeonjun knows that Taehyung is right. He simply nods, and finally looks up, meeting his gaze. “Okay,” he says. “Thank you.”

After that, they spend quite awhile in the store. Taehyung rummages through the racks, and Yeonjun sits at one of the stool, providing opinions when needed. It’s fun and comfortable, and maybe Yeonjun needed this, a familiar presence, because he feels so much lighter already. 

When they part ways, Taehyung hugs him tight. Yeonjun already misses him.

“Bye,” Yeonjun whispers quietly. “Good luck on the wedding, hyung.”

“Good luck with Soobin,” Taehyung says, and smiles, but he’s not teasing anymore.

*

The thing with memory loss is that Yeonjun sees the world for the first time again.

He experiences Seoul like he’s a newcomer. Prances around the apartment like he just moved in. Teaches his students like they didn’t know him before.

And he looks at Soobin like it’s his first time.

Yeonjun spends hours in bed, just scrolling through his phone. There are so many pictures of Soobin in his gallery - him sleeping, eating, even brushing his teeth in the bathroom. Not a lot of them both, but when he does find them, they’re always stuck together like glue.

He’s not scared of them anymore - these memories. It makes him upset that he doesn’t remember, but it’s such a heartwarming thing to know that he felt _this_ before. All those longing stares, kisses on the cheek, intimate videos of them in their house just _existing_ , it’s a nice thing to witness. He finds it endearing to see Soobin in the lens of someone who loves him back.

Slowly, he’s not just Soobin anymore. Yeonjun looks at him, but he also sees the man that he married. He sees the man who said his vow. The man with a coffee cup and a name.

Soobin is _everywhere._ He’s there when he wakes up, and he’s there when he comes home. He’s there when Yeonjun’s watching Netflix, at his desk, or at the dining table, or beside him playing with his phone. Granted, they live together - but Yeonjun thinks of him everywhere, too. He thinks of him when he sees the first string of light through the curtains, and when he sees an ice cream store. He thinks of him at class, and when he’s with Taehyun, and whenever mom calls him, he talks about Soobin and his kind eyes.

Taehyung is right, he thinks. He does like him.

He doesn’t know what it means yet. But he keeps missing him when he’s not around, and when he is, he just wants to be closer.

Something shifted between them after Daegu, but something else changes. An electrifying thing, in the space between them.

Yeonjun wonders what would happen when they close the gap.

*

“Soobin, stop watching me.”

Yeonjun wipes the sweat off his forehead. The music is loud, almost as loud as his heartbeat. He tries to catch his breath, exhaling heavily from his mouth. He feels hot, but it’s not from the dancing.

There’s a new routine that he needs to teach, and he doesn’t want to waste around his evening pacing uselessly, so he pushes the furniture on the living room to the wall, giving him enough space to move. Soobin just _had_ to come home when he was in the middle of it.

Soobin is still in his work clothes, and he’s sitting by the dining table as he eats some chips. He always looks good like this, straight out of work. His clothes are slightly disheleved, and his dark hair is messy, covering his forehead. There’s something completely attractive about it that makes Yeonjun wants to scream into a pillow.

He tells Yeonjun to ignore him and just pretend that there’s no one else in the room. Yeonjun can do that, of course, if Soobin didn’t stare at him the whole time.

Yeonjun tries to ignore it at first, even when he can see it in his peripheral, the way Soobin drops his phone to simply stare at him. After a while, it makes him self-conscious, hyperly aware of every move that he makes that it messes his rhythm, and he suddenly stops in a halt.

“Am I watching?” Soobin asks innocently.

“Yes,” Yeonjun sighs indignantly, feeling frustrated all of a sudden. He can feel the heat rising on his cheeks. “You’ve been staring at me for ten minutes now.”

“Sorry,” Soobin says sheepishly, biting on to the chip until it cracks. “Didn’t notice.”

Yeonjun crosses his arms and turns to face him. Soobin’s eyes are glinting.

“Why are you staring at me?”

Soobin doesn’t miss a beat, and his voice is low when he says, “I love watching you dance.”

It makes Yeonjun flustered, knowing that this is probably a _thing_ between them. He imagines it in his head - him putting on a show, and Soobin staring at him with half-lidded eyes, his gaze hot. He thinks about closing his eyes when he moves, and still feeling Soobin’s eyes on him, burning holes to every parts of his body.

“Why?”

Soobin unexpectedly blushes, a soft pink dusting his skin. He doesn’t answer.

Yeonjun raises a brow, and before he can think too much about it, he crosses the room and tugs Soobin’s arm until he stands up. “Come here,” he instructs, and Soobin doesn’t resist, following him quietly to the living room.

He didn’t think it through, because now Yeonjun doesn’t know what to do. The music is still playing in the background, a slow and sultry melody, and he stares up at Soobin, who’s looking at him with something rough in his eyes. It makes Yeonjun feel small. He thinks he likes it, so much even, that he shivers.

Yeonjun can’t think. There’s something shimmering under his veins, bright and flaming. Through the fog of his mind, Yeonjun just really wants to touch him.

It’s not new. His attraction to Soobin and the magnet pull between them that always sticks out. He always notices it - how Soobin would sometimes look away when he’s out of shower, his lingering stare when Soobin picks him up at the studio and Yeonjun is sweaty and bothered. Yeonjun knows but never acts upon it, but now that Soobin’s so _close_ , he doesn’t know how to react.

“Dance with me, Soobin,” he says, braver than he feels.

“Mm?”

“It’s the penalty for staring at me,” Yeonjun leans forward and drags his palm on Soobin’s arm, tugging him close. He moves with the beat, forcing Soobin to move with him too. “I didn’t give you permission to look at me.”

Soobin’s hand linger in the air, hesitant, like he’s not sure if he’s allowed to touch. There’s an urge, a question, so Yeonjun gives it to him. Slowly, he brings Soobin’s shaky hand to his waist, a squeeze to let him know that it’s okay. He holds his breath when Soobin’s fingers finally touch the small of his back, and the sensation tingles all over to his spine, to his collarbones, and even to the parted way of his lips.

“Oh, I need permission to look at you now?” he says quietly, challenging, and pulls him even closer. Yeonjun holds on to his shouders, and shivers when he meets his gaze. Yeonjun hasn’t seen him like this before; playful, teasing. _Flirting._ The mood shifts so quickly, the air thick, and Yeonjun gulps. “Why are you dancing in my living room then?”

Yeonjun fights the urge to close his eyes. It’s overwhelming - the warmth press of their bodies, the harsh way Soobin’s looking at him, the tight grip on his waist. This is the closest they’ve ever been, and Yeonjun can’t get enough of it.

“Are you distracted, Soobin-ah?” Yeonjun takes the bait and trails his fingers up to his neck, pressing on a pulse point. It makes Soobin sigh, and Yeonjun wants to see him like this, always, wants to see Soobin lose all of his control. He wonders if Soobin misses touching him, just how long has he waited to burn his skin again, to map out his body with his careful touch.

“What if I am?” Soobin asks, his eyes hooded, and Yeonjun can’t stop staring at his lips.

“Why is that?”

“Are you complaining?”

“Of course not,” Yeonjun whispers, and tugs at his neck, but Soobin stays in place, just staring at him. “I was just asking.”

Soobin smiles, but it looks out of place. “I can go to my room if you don’t want me to look at you that much.”

Yeonjun knows Soobin is just messing with him. In the back of his mind, he realizes that this man has known him for a long time, and knows exactly what to say to provoke him. Still, he pushes his collar, flushing their hips together, “No,” he says, his face burning hot. “Don’t. _Stay._ ”

“You like it, right?” Soobin whispers back, leans forward close enough that Yeonjun can feel his breath. It’s like a dam opens, and now that it’s out, Soobin doesn’t know how to hold back. “You always like it when I watch you dance. Watch you _move._ You like it when you know I have my full attention on you.”

Yeonjun doesn’t know what to say. It sends something searing on his stomach. He touches Soobin’s nape, feeling his hair on his fingertips.

“You always like it when I look at you,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun’s heart clenches.

“I do,” he blurts out, locking his gaze. Soobin’s eyes are aflame, unrestrained. He thinks about how he always looks at him, tender, caring, and how he’s looking at him now, so focused and still. Maybe it’s how Soobin meets his eyes unwaveringly, transfixed, and how it always feels like Soobin’s gravity has move its axis, to wherever Yeonjun is.

“Why?”

Yeonjun thinks Soobin already knows. Of course he does. He knows why Yeonjun likes it, revels in it even, but he wants to hear it from Yeonjun’s mouth.

“Because you don’t want to look away.”

Soobin makes a little sound in the back of his throat. His hand flutters, now splayed carelessly on his hip. The room is hot. Too hot that Yeonjun can feel the sweat clinging on his shirt, the alluring music coiling through his veins.

“Yeah,” Soobin admits quietly, his other hand cradling his face, his thumb prodding his jaw. A tentative graze. “I don’t.”

Soobin looks beautiful like this. The light surrounding him, becoming the only thing that Yeonjun can see. He’s moving to the beat, a sensual sway of his hips.

“Tell me?” Yeonjun demands, pulls softly at the hair on the back of his neck with his fingers.

Soobin only grins, a lazy tug on his lips. He looks different like this - not unwelcomed, but exciting, and Yeonjun wants to see more of it. “Why should I tell you?” Another challenge, and it’s hot.

Yeonjun groans, until their faces are inches apart, just a breath away. He likes praises. Revels in affirmations, loves to be told that he’s done a good job, that he’s pretty and sweet. He likes to be praised, and right now, he really wants Soobin to praise him.

“ _Tell me,_ ” he croaks, can’t even be bothered to feel embarrassed, just wants to hear it from Soobin. “ _Please._ ”

Soobin stares at him. His gaze traveling through his face. A quiet observation, and for a second Yeonjun forgets where he is.

“You,” Soobin breathes weakly, pressing their foreheads together, and suddenly there’s lips on his temple, on his cheek. A soft kiss on his jaw. “You always look so good, Junie _._ ”

Yeonjun opens his mouth, but his words are stuck in his throat. He manages to exhale a hushed, “ _Yeah?_ ”

Soobin doesn’t hesitate, an automatic nod of his head, and Yeonjun feels wanted. “Yeah.”

Yeonjun leans in, staring at Soobin’s parted lips, when something uneasy curls on his chest, a sting, a realization. Guilt on the roof of his mouth.

This reminds him of something. Two bodies dancing. One night that broke his heart.

He lets go of Soobin and loses his warmth.

“I met Beomgyu,” he blurts out, his voice small.

Soobin takes a step back. Yeonjun doesn’t want to look at him, too scared of his reaction. It feels like forever when Soobin finally opens his mouth.

“What?”

“On accident,” He quickly clarifies, wills himself to look at him. Soobin doesn’t look angry, that’s a start. “Back in the restaurant at Daegu. He was having dinner with his friend.”

Soobin doesn’t say anything, only stares at him with that wounded look, open eyes. It looks like he’s just trying to understand. Giving Yeonjun time to explain.

“I swear we just talked,” Yeonjun says, sighing deeply. He should’ve told him sooner, but there was never a right time, and he didn’t know how to bring it up. It was stupid of him to carry it out this long. He’s not lying exactly but he’s hiding something, and Soobin deserves to know. “I wanted to know about the break up. I needed to know what happened, so he told me. That’s it.”

Soobin still stares at him quietly, purses his lips. He looks like he’s thinking, finding the right words to say. For a moment, dejection takes over his face, but then it becomes clear, like he’s found an answer to a question that only he knows.

After a beat of silence, he nods, and whispers, “Okay.”

“Okay? Are you mad?”

“No,” Soobin shakes his head softly. He stares at Yeonjun, steady, gentle, like he’s taking his time. “I’m not, Junie.”

“You’re not?” He mutters, completely baffled.

Soobin walks closer to him again. There’s resolution in his eyes. A new kind of boldness that Yeonjun hasn’t seen before.

He cups his cheeks, warm palms against his skin. “Give me another chance.”

“What?”

“Give me another chance,” Soobin repeats firmly, and there it is again. Something in his eyes that Yeonjun desperately wants to understand. Yeonjun aches, a craving inside of him, etched in places that Soobin has never touched. “To make you fall in love with me again.”

Yeonjun can’t think, too overwhelmed to form a coherent thought. He can vaguely hear the song still playing in the background, but all he can focus on is his loud hearbeat, ringing in his eardrums, and Soobin’s heavy, undeterred gaze.

“Go on a date with me.”

There’s a new rush of butterflies in his stomach, and he nods quietly, can’t ever see himself saying no to him. “Okay,” he says, breathless. “I’d love that.”

Soobin beams brightly, the same way he did on the altar, so wonderfully stunning. There’s something incredibly soft in his smile, a quiet serenity in his stare that makes Yeonjun feel safe. In this moment, Yeonjun just wants to give him everything.

“Okay,” Soobin says, and leans in.

A soft brush of his lips against his, barely there, just a flutter of feeling on his mouth. Before Yeonjun can kiss him back, Soobin pulls away.

Then he goes, leaving Yeonjun wanting more.

*

It’s been a week since Soobin asked Yeonjun out.

Soobin didn’t say anything about it for that long because he was trying to plan it perfectly, and after he successfully bought the tickets, days have gone by and he still doesn’t know how to tell him. So one day, he texted Yeonjun impulsively during work. He sent him a short _date? this saturday?,_ in which Yeonjun replies with _ok soobinnie :)._ It made him so flustered that the nickname was stuck in his mind all day.

Yeonjun is quite busy now, his classes taking most of his time, and Soobin mostly sees him at night. That’s when they usually talk, over dinner or a movie by the couch. Yeonjun doesn’t hesitate anymore with him, doesn’t shy away from his gaze, and sometimes Soobin wonders if this means everything will be back to how it used to be again.

The thing is, he doesn’t want to get his hopes up. Just thinking about it, having Yeonjun in his life the way he used to, being able to hold his hands again, and kiss him stupid - it sends a painful reminder in his chest, that it’ll still be different.

He knows that realistically Yeonjun will never get his memories back, and in the process, he wonders if it means Yeonjun will never feel the way he did again.

Maybe Yeonjun is warming up to him, but he told him a few months ago that he’d like to be _friends._ Sure, things have changed a lot after that, but what if that is the only thing that will ever be? What if that is all there is to it? This date that Yeonjun said yes to, maybe he’s just testing the waters, and when he realizes that he doesn’t want Soobin anymore, he’ll _leave._

The flirting is new. There’s something different about it now, resembles of how it felt back then when they started going out. Yeonjun who never knew how to keep his hands to himself, with a smart mouth that wants nothing but praises. He’s always been like that, but seeing Yeonjun like this again, so unabashedly coy, makes Soobin feel butterflies in his stomach, just like he did the very first time. But it makes him worry too, that maybe this is just infatuation for Yeonjun. Just simply flirting, nothing he takes too seriously. Maybe it’s a small spark of fire for him, and he’s still deciding whether to keep the flame alive or let it die.

Too bad Soobin is still burning, and he doesn’t know how to stop. He never has. Doesn’t think he ever wants to.

It’s Friday night right now, Yeonjun is out with Taehyun, and he’s in Huening Kai’s living room, perched on his couch. They’re having movie night again after so many months of hiatus, and there is a big bowl of popcorn between them.

Huening Kai plays Begin Again, a movie they’ve watched a hundred times by now. He doesn’t really mind it and actually quite enjoys the movie too, but he can’t seem to let himself be immersed in it right now. He nervously taps his fingers on his knees as his mind keeps fleeting back to the date.

“Hyung.”

“Yeah.”

“You want to talk about it?”

Soobin sighs, feels guilty that he’s already ruining movie night, even when they’re only fifteen minutes in. He can’t help that he’s genuinely worried about tomorrow.

“Sorry,” he apologizes quietly, leaning back against the cushion. “I just can’t stop thinking about the date.”

“Why?”

“I’m kind of freaking out.”

“I can see that, hyung.” Huening Kai retorts, and Soobin rolls his eyes.

“Thanks,” He replies dryly. “I just - I don’t know what to do, Kai.”

Huening Kai stays quiet for a moment, seemingly too engrossed with the scene that is playing out, and Soobin patiently waits.

“This is your _husband,_ ” He says after the scene is finished. “Why are you freaking out about going on a date with your _husband_?”

Soobin huffs, punches Kai’s arm lightly. “You know _why_.”

Kai grimaces, gives him an apologetic look. “I know, I’m just saying. It’s been months. Surely he’s familiar with you now, right?”

Soobin plays with the pillow’s ruffle edge and nods. “Yeah.”

“It’ll be fine, hyung.” Kai says reassuringly. “It’s not going to be any different. You’re both still the same people, you know.”

“He was in love with me before,” Soobin sighs frustratedly, wiping his face. “I don’t know how to make him fall in love with me again.”

Back in their living room, Soobin thinks it was mostly from the adrenaline and the heat of the moment. The heady rush of being together, the intoxicating feeling of Yeonjun’s body that drove him to make such a bold move. Right now though, he isn’t really sure if he could ever to do that again.

Soobin is afraid his time is running out. He never stood a chance with him. Even back when they were dating, he never thought that he deserved him. Yeonjun really took it upon himself to bring Soobin out of his shell, this quiet boy who didn’t talk much, and he dragged him along until Soobin was comfortable enough around him and made a home in his heart.

Soobin never stood a chance. Never did, when it comes to Yeonjun.

He stares at the screen, but he’s not really looking at it. “What if this is my last chance?”

“What do you mean?”

Soobin’s ribs hurt when he says, “Before I have to let him go.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know. It’s always in the back of my mind,” Soobin says. “that I’ll lose him, _eventually_.”

He closes his eyes, tries to drive the fear nagging in his mind away, but it overpowers him and renders him helpless.

He remembers how Yeonjun looked at him back in their living room, the sorry in his eyes when he confessed about meeting Beomgyu. It still hurts, knowing that Yeonjun doesn’t have a single piece of memory of him in his mind. That everything else is just _Beomgyu_ and _Daegu_ , and

 _Soobin_ never stood a chance _._

“He met his ex,” he reveals quietly, stiffens when Kai looks at him. “When we were in Daegu.”

“What?”

Soobin lets out a dragged out sigh, feeling the weight on his chest getting heavier. “He remembers him. He doesn’t remember _me_.” When Huening Kai doesn’t say anything, he continues, a defenseless confession. “Why would he choose me, Kai. After all of this, why would he still choose _me_?”

“Hyung,” he cuts him off quickly. “You’re just in your head.”

Soobin knows he’s being unreasonable, but he still feels the telltale of tears in his eyes. “I’m just scared.”

Huening Kai moves the bowl of popcorn to the table, and scoots close to hug him. “Hyung, _please_. The date hasn’t even happened yet, and you’re already overthinking _everything_.”

Soobin chokes out a laugh. He drops his head on Kai’s and sighs pathetically at himself.

“I know, sorry.”

“You should focus on the date, hyung. Have fun tomorrow, don’t think too much about it. Just see where it goes from there, yeah?”

Soobin nods. Kai squeezes his hand.

“He fell in love with you before,” Kai mumbles softly, and there’s confidence in his voice, like he knows it to be true. “He’ll do it again.”

It’s Yeonjun’s wedding vow to fall in love with him everyday. It’s what he used to tell him for years, with the softest voice, barely above a whisper. _I fall in love with you today, Soobin_. It’s been months since the accident now.

The night goes on, but all Soobin can think about is a crash and a broken vow.

*

Soobin meets Yeonjun back in their apartment, and he’s smiling.

“Hey, stranger.”

“Hey, just got home?”

“Nah, I got back like an hour ago. How was the movie?”

Soobin laughs, his muscles sore from being cuddled by Kai until the end credits play. “It was okay.”

Yeonjun nods, a tight purse of his lips. He looks awkward, like he wants to say something but doesn’t quite know how. He’s considering it though, and Soobin waits.

“So,” he starts, a cheeky grin on his lips. “Tomorrow’s the date, huh.”

Soobin blushes a little. He suddenly feels like the college boy meeting the blue-haired barista for the first time, a shy _hello_ and a messy name on a coffee cup. “Yeah.”

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“Oh?” Yeonjun raises a brow, intrigued.

“You’ll just have to wait and see.”

“I will.”

Soobin stares at the messy strands of hair on Yeonjun’s forehead. “How do you feel?”

“I’m excited.”

“Yeah?”

Yeonjun nods. “How about you?”

Soobin takes his time to think about it, even when he knows the answer. “Nervous.”

“Why?”

“This is your first date with me,” Soobin admits quietly. “I want to give a good impression.”

“You already did,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin’s breath halts when he leans in closer. “See you tomorrow, then?”

“Okay.”

Yeonjun looks tired from a full day, there are dark circles under his eyes, and the usual brightness in his eyes is replaced by exhaustion. Soobin just wants to hold him close.

“Night, Soobin-ah.”

He smiles, a quiet shudder on his chest. Soobin doesn’t know when he will ever stop missing him.

“Good night, Junie.” he whispers, and his heart stills.

*

Yeonjun wakes up feeling giddy. 

The sun is bright when he finally gets out of the room, and Soobin is already on the couch, perched on his usual spot as he squints blearily at the window.

Yeonjun feels anticipation building inside him, already nervously thinking about the date.

“You up?” He asks, chuckling at Soobin’s sluggish form. He honestly just looks adorable, even when his hair is sticking up everywhere.

Soobin nods, giving him a thumbs up. “Mm.”

“That’s not very convincing.”

“Mm.”

Yeonjun laughs fondly as Soobin’s eyelids drop slowly. He takes a seat on the spot Soobin always leaves from him. “It’s Saturday, you know.” he says matter-of-factly. “You can wake up whenever you want.”

Soobin opens his left eye slightly. “I can say the same thing to you.”

“Well,” Yeonjun shrugs. “Don’t I have a date tonight?”

Soobin’s ears turn pink, and he smiles. “What a coincidence. I have a date tonight too.”

“ _Really_ ,” Yeonjun hums. “That’s weird.”

Soobin whacks him with a pillow. “Shut up,” he says, but it’s overwhelmingly soft.

Yeonjun drags his knees to his chest. It’s nice here, the warmth afternoon glow from the window, the feeling of Soobin’s pink blanket on his skin.

“Are you going to sleep again?” Yeonjun prods Soobin’s calf with his toe.

“Maybe.”

“Can you not sleep for a second?”

“Why?”

“Watch something with me.”

Soobin immediately nods. “Okay. You choose the movie.”

Yeonjun clicks the remote, scrolling through Netflix. He picks a horror movie, one that looks shitty enough so he won’t get scared, but maybe with a decent enough storyline to keep them intrigued.

Before the movie starts, Soobin offers him the other half of his blanket, and Yeonjun scoots closer until their sleeves touch.

They spend the rest of the afternoon in front of the TV, trying to get through this movie. In the middle of it, Soobin’s stomach grumbles, so does Yeonjun’s a minute later. He orders take out, and when the food arrives, they talk over the movie’s shitty dialogue, laughing at the poor acting.

Yeonjun thinks he wouldn’t mind if that was the date. If all they did was watch shitty movies and eat take outs as their hands occasionally brush. If all Yeonjun could hear was Soobin’s endearing laugh, or the rise of his voice whenever a character dies unnecessarily. He wouldn’t mind if he could still stare at the creases on Soobin’s forehead when he concentrates on the screen, or the dimple poking through his cheek when he munches on his noodles.

When the movie ends, there’s silence, and Yeonjun feels butterflies rushing through him, knowing that they both need to get ready for the date.

“We share one bathroom.” He says.

Soobin laughs. “I know.”

“Let’s just not... _look_ when we pass each other.”

“Okay. Do you promise to close your eyes if you see me?”

“Yes,” he murmurs quietly.

Soobin laughs at him, and stands up. “You’re a terrible liar.”

“I am a decent liar. You just know me too well.”

Soobin’s eyes twinkle.

*

There is a knock on the door.

Yeonjun can’t help but laugh, a happy sound that he can’t hold back. He straightens his clothes before opening the door.

It’s Soobin. He looks dashing, but Yeonjun already knows that. He’s wearing a dark blue button-up tucked in fitted black jeans. Yeonjun has seen him at the apartment when he was getting ready, just a brief sneak peek, a blur glimpse before Soobin goes back to the spare room, but it’s different when Yeonjun looks at him this close.

Soobin is breathtaking. Yeonjun can’t get his eyes off of him.

“Hi,” Soobin greets playfully, waving his hand a little. “I’m Soobin. We met at the cafe.”

Yeonjun shakes his head, giggling at how silly it is. He plays along though, because Soobin’s smile is infectious. “I remember. Couldn’t possibly forget someone like _you_ , Soobin.”

Soobin takes a look at him and at his outfit. He told Yeonjun to dress comfortably, so he picked a red fuzzy jacket and a pair of jeans. Yeonjun reddens a little bit, doesn’t think he will ever get used to his attention.

“You look nice.” Soobin compliments earnestly.

Yeonjun smiles, his heart warming at the praise. “Thanks. You don’t look bad yourself.”

Soobin has that tenderness in his gaze, one that Yeonjun wanted to shy away from, but right now he just wants to keep being the recepient of it. Doesn’t want Soobin to look at anyone else like that.

Yeonjun’s heart stutters. He feels the exhiliriating rush of a first date, the same way he probably felt a few years ago, with the same man, looking at him with the same care.

“Shall we?”

Soobin drives, and Yeonjun stares at the streetlights as they pass, at the way the shadows move. They talk, but something shifts in the air, and Yeonjun feels that thrill of getting to know someone for the first time. The force in your chest that sucks the breath out of you, the drive to just be _closer,_ and _closer,_ until you find what you’re looking for.

Yeonjun watches the way a smile would grow on Soobin’s lips, the gradual shift, and how it feels like he’s witnessing a lifetime pass. It’s warm, everything is warm, Soobin is _warm._ Yeonjun doesn’t remember their life together, but being here, in their car, on the way to their date, he feels a sense of belonging in his chest, like he’s felt this before. He realizes it’s the easiest thing he’s ever done - to talk to Soobin and catches his eyes. He doesn’t remember him, but somehow, he just feels _familiar_.

When the car stops, Yeonjun gapes at where they are.

It’s an amusement park. Given that it’s a Saturday, it’s crowded and people are laughing and having fun, their voice ringing in his ears. He can’t remember when was the last time he went to a place like this. Yeonjun stares at the gate, can’t believe Soobin’s really bringing him to the same place they had their actual first date. This way, Yeonjun can have it again, the memory that he lost.

“Our first date, right?” Soobin says quietly, beaming at him, and Yeonjun doesn’t hesitate, just grabs a hold of his hand until their palms meet. Yeonjun feels Soobin’s ring pressing against his skin.

“Is this really where it was?”

“Yeah,” Soobin nods, looking around like it’s his first time too.

“Wow,” Yeonjun breathes, doesn’t know what else to say. He remembers the photo on their mirror, and he just misses _it,_ even when he didn’t know what happened then. He misses _this._ A heavy longing that he can’t understand for something that he can’t comprehend.

“Do you like it?”

Yeonjun squeezes his hand tighter. “Of course.”

“Where do you want to go first?”

“Can we ride the roller coaster?”

Soobin laughs. “Sure.”

“Come on!” Yeonjun tugs his hand, dragging him along the crowd excitedly.

There’s a queue but he doesn’t really mind, not when Soobin’s hand is still interlocked with his, and Soobin looks content and relaxed, more than he’s ever seen him before. Without his usual hesitance and barrier, Soobin just feels like _Soobin_ , and Yeonjun really just wants to keep getting to know him.

The ride is fun, and Yeonjun thinks he loses some of his voice from screaming so enthusiastically to the air. Soobin screams just as loud, and it makes Yeonjun laughs so hard it hurts.

The next one is Soobin’s idea, which is bumper cars. There are mostly children, but it doesn’t stop them from competitively race around the arena. Yeonjun keeps intentionally drive to Soobin’s car, in which Soobin responds by yelling at him to stop. Yeonjun just laughs and repeatedly hits the brake until Soobin’s car jolts. He does that until Soobin’s face is red because he can’t stand losing, even though there’s really nothing to win here, and their made-up rules don’t even make any sense.

The ferris wheel has a longer queue than the rest of the rides, and as they wait, he stares at the sky. He wonders what it looks like during their first date a few years ago. If it was pitch black, or if the moon was out. Tonight it’s adorned with bright stars.

“Are you afraid of heights?” Yeonjun asks suddenly.

Soobin shakes his head, and gives him a thoughtful look. “I’m afraid of a lot of things, but not heights.”

Before Yeonjun can respond, it’s already their turn, and they get inside the pod. He gapes as it starts to move up.

“Wow,” he says, watching in awe as everything becomes small.

Soobin is all wide-eyed fascination and carefree laughs, and Yeonjun can’t help but get closer to him, their shoulders knocking as they peer down. It’s mindblowing how small everything becomes, and the way it feels like Yeonjun can do anything that he wants to without being afraid.

They don’t talk, the silence enveloping them comfortably. Yeonjun revels in the way the wind feels on his face, and how it tastes like freedom. He cranks his head up to watch the stars. It’s beautiful tonight, but something tells him it’s not because of the sky.

“Hey,” Soobin says quietly when they’re on the top.

“Yeah.”

“Your memories. They aren’t coming back, aren’t they?”

Yeonjun breathes in the air and lets it fill his lungs until he feels light. He feels invicible here, like he’s on top of the world, occupying the best seat to the night sky. He wants to stretch his hands until it feels like the earth is embracing him back.

He can’t remember Seoul. Doesn’t feel the essence of the city in his veins, can’t recognize anything about the busy streets and the buzzing sidewalks. He doesn’t feel any attachment or affection to it. Not like Daegu. _His home._

Soobin’s eyes are shining, and Yeonjun stares at him with his minds tangled, his heart on his throat. He never knew how to make out of him, even back when he first woke up in the hospital - the stranger who waited for him everyday when Yeonjun didn’t know who he was. The man with years of love in his eyes that he holds back, just to make sure that Yeonjun won’t get overwhelm again, like the night they watched their wedding. Yeonjun always sees _it,_ so clear, and yet Soobin never said a thing.

Yeonjun always thought it was a burden. Having _this._ A perfect life he lived that he no longer remembers. A past self that he doesn’t possess anymore. But right now, as he stares at the endless ground and at the extent of the night sky in a place that isn’t home, _finally,_ he realizes there’s nothing difficult about it.

He doesn’t remember Seoul and Soobin, and maybe he never will, but right now he feels the most _safe._ Isn’t that the point of a home?

Here, Soobin is the warmest thing he knows. Maybe he’s the warmest thing always.

“No,” Yeonjun shakes his head, gazes at one of the twinkling stars. It reminds him of Soobin’s smile in the morning.

He turns his head to look at Soobin, “But I don’t mind.”

Soobin looks surprised, like he doesn’t expect his answer. “No?”

Yeonjun shakes his head again, finding Soobin’s hand between them and holds it close. “I really don’t mind.”

The wheel slowly turns. They’ll be back on the ground in a few minutes, but Yeonjun doesn’t regret it.

Soobin searches his eyes. “Why?”

It’s the easiest thing he’s ever done.

“Because you’re here,” Yeonjun says.

_With me._

*

“I have a question.” Yeonjun says to Soobin at the bench as they observe the crowd slowly disperse when the night unhurriedly comes to an end.

Soobin puts his hands together and gives him an interested look. “Shoot.”

“Tell me about our first kiss.”

He sputters, clearly taken aback. Yeonjun beams at him, an uncontrollable fondness in his chest at the sight.

“Um,” Soobin looks down at his feet, but Yeonjun can still see the faint smile on his lips. “That’s not a question.”

“Okay,” Yeonjun relents. “A demand, then.”

Soobin laughs, “It’s here, actually.”

Yeonjun expects just as much. “Our first date, right?”

“Yeah,” Soobin says, but trails off. He’s looking at somewhere in front of him, but Yeonjun knows that he can’t see what he sees. “We were just walking after we had all the rides, and then you pointed at the sky.”

Yeonjun listens to the hushed noise in the air, but he can’t really hear anything else except Soobin’s stuttered breaths.

“I told you the sky was pretty, even when I didn’t really understand.” Soobin continues, his voice low and gentle, like this is something he holds close to his heart. “But then you just... looked at me, and you had this smile. You said _not as pretty as you_.”

Yeonjun laughs. “ _Of course_ I would say that. What a line.”

Soobin chuckles softly, fondly recalling the memory. He fiddles with his fingers, and his thumb absentmindedly touches his ring. It glints under the light. “You always say things like that,” he says in a breath, and Yeonjun feels like he’s invading on something he shouldn’t know about. “But maybe it was how you said it, or maybe I was already so in love with you that I couldn’t say anything back. I was stunned.”

Soobin leans forward, his elbows dragging to his knees, and he sighs heavily, as though he’s reliving it again in his head. “I think you knew why I was so speechless, so you held my hand. At that moment, I felt like I couldn’t see anyone else except you, but that’s always the case, isn’t it? Even now,” he forces the words out, and when he finally looks back at him, Yeonjun knows that he means it. “I only see you, Junie.”

_You don’t want to look away._

“How was it?” Yeonjun asks quietly, breaking into a weak smile.

Soobin laughs, and thinks about it for a moment. “It was good.”

“Just good?”

Soobin gives him a meaningful smile. “You know it was more than that.”

Yeonjun slides closer to him until their sides are pressed together. His blue hair, Soobin’s happy smile, an old photo on the mirror that he was so afraid of.

“Soobin.”

“Mm?”

There are so many things that he wants to say, but words will never be enough. Yeonjun tugs at Soobin’s neck, and kisses him.

Soobin makes a soft sound in the back of his throat, but Yeonjun swallows it down, his lips warm and right on his. Yeonjun’s heart clenches as Soobin kisses him back, and there’s nothing else that he wants but to keep feeling Soobin like this, _so close_ , no more gap between them, just their bodies _finally_ meeting together in a single, breathless moment.

Time stills, and Yeonjun overwhelmingly wants _this_. Soobin’s hands move to cup his cheeks and Yeonjun melts against his touch, completely defenseless to his craving, the fire underneath his skin that he’s held back for so long.

Soobin’s hands are trembling, but Yeonjun pins them in place, feeling Soobin’s ring knock against his palm. He rushes forward until they’re completely flushed together, nothing but _Soobin_ in his mind, _Soobin_ in his skin, _Soobin_ in his lungs.

“Wow,” Soobin says when they break apart.

Yeonjun closes his eyes, feeling Soobin’s warmth on his face. “How was that?”

“ _Perfect_.”

Yeonjun smiles, leans in for a second kiss, and Soobin catches him.

*

Yeonjun closes the apartment door and pulls Soobin’s hand until he’s standing in front of him. It’s dark, but he doesn’t bother turning the lights on.

“Hey,” Yeonjun whispers quietly into the room. He leans back until his shoulders meet the door, springing his hands up until they rest loosely around Soobin’s waist.

Soobin cradles his face, his skin hot against his. “What are you doing?”

Yeonjun drags him closer until their hips are aligned, sighs when he feels Soobin’s body stutters. “What’s it look like I’m doing?”

Soobin cards his hair tentatively, his fingers poking on the back of his neck. He breathes into his mouth, his voice low. “Are you seducing me?”

Yeonjun gasps when Soobin’s lips touch his cheek, a soft peck that makes him tremble. “You decide,” he says weakly.

Soobin peppers his face with featherly, barely-there kisses, just a gentle feeling of his lips. It makes Yeonjun’s breath caught on his throat.

“Kiss me,” Yeonjun pulls him closer, and feels the shake of Soobin’s laugh against his chest.

“I _am_ kissing you,” Soobin kisses the corner of his lips before moving again, now on his jaw, a show of his teeth grazing on his skin.

“You know what I mean,” Yeonjun rushes out. “ _Soobin_.”

“What?”

“ _Kiss me,_ ” He demands, tugging Soobin’s face away until he can feel the ghost of his mouth in front of him.

“You like it when I take my time,” Soobin whispers, and leans in just enough until their lips finally meet. He worries his bottom lip gently until Yeonjun whimpers.

“Mm?”

“You like it when I take my time.” He repeats, trailing kisses to the base of his neck, laving on his skin. “You like it when I take my time with you.”

Yeonjun can’t stop touching him. It’s addicting, how Soobin’s body feels under his fingertips. He wonders if Soobin took him home on their first date, and if he kissed him like _this_ too, like he’s going to lose his mind when he needs to stop.

“You like it when I make you wait,” Soobin sighs on his skin, and it dawns slowly on Yeonjun that it’s been _months_ since he got his hands on Yeonjun. Maybe that’s why there’s such carelessness in the way his fingers shake on his body, as if he’s still trying to keep it in. Yeonjun wants Soobin to touch him the way he wants to. He doesn’t have to hold back tonight.

Yeonjun tugs on his neck impatiently. “I don’t want to make you wait anymore.”

Soobin stays still for a moment, and all Yeonjun can hear is his rushed intake of breaths. Not long until Soobin pulls him in another kiss, and this time he doesn’t easily let go. It’s hungry, teeth knocking on teeth, and Yeonjun can feel his tongue on the roof of his mouth.

Yeonjun coax his mouth open until he can feel all of Soobin on him. Soobin kisses him back eagerly, shamelessly greedy, like he wants to savor him.

“Good?” Soobin says in between kisses, before sucking on his bottom lip again, his hands on Yeonjun’s body, lingering _._

“Mm,” Yeonjun hums distractedly, chasing his mouth, doesn’t want to stop feeling Soobin like this, unguarded, so irrevocably _him_ that it makes Yeonjun want him even more. “Good. Very good.”

“ _I miss you_ ,” Soobin breathes heavily into his mouth, and Yeonjun groans, knowing the weight of it from his heart. “I miss you so much.”

That heavy longing in his chest that he can’t quite understand, stuck in his throat whenever he looks back at Soobin’s open, wide eyes - maybe this _is_ what it means. Maybe this is what he’s been missing all along, just to feel Soobin on him again, the feeling of finally being home settling warm on his chest.

He remembers Soobin’s looming _l love you_ back in Daegu, and how he lets it be. He feels those words flicker on his skin now, burning hot on every concave of his body. He wants Soobin to map those words out on him until Yeonjun can’t feel anything _else._

“I know,” Yeonjun says, soothingly drags his hands on Soobin’s sides.

Soobin’s lips are back on his neck, and Yeonjun can’t help but whine restlessly, shutting his eyes tight.

“My love,” he croaks.

“What?”

“ _My love_ ,” Yeonjun repeats, and now he wishes the lights were on. “Call me that again. Like you used to.”

“How do you know?”

“I saw the photo,” Yeonjun says, breathless, his heart lurches in his chest. “On our mirror. You wrote it on my heart. The wedding video, too - you called me that. _My love._ ”

Soobin suddenly halts, knocking his forehead on Yeonjun’s shoulder. Yeonjun threads his fingers through his hair gently, feels his stilted shudders on his chest. It’s loud, the way he’s breathing, like he’s slowly taking everything in.

“ _My love_ ,” he whispers desperately. He can tell how long he’s been resisting to call him that, and Yeonjun just wants to keep hearing it, _always_.

Yeonjun nods, feeling light. “Yeah.”

“My love,” Soobin holds his face close. He can’t see him, but Yeonjun knows how he’s looking at him right now. The gravity in his eyes, like nothing else matters. “Yeonjun, _my love._ ”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun answers quietly, his mind in a haze.

Soobin kisses him again, his lips full and firm on his. “Do you want to -”

Yeonjun doesn’t let him finish. “ _Yes._ Yes, please.”

They untangle from each other, and Yeonjun immediately regrets the loss of warmth, but Soobin is quick to hold his hand again, his fingers wrapping vice-like on his.

The air feels different in _their_ room. Yeonjun realizes it’s been months since Soobin’s been here.

Yeonjun impatiently closes the distance between them and kissing him again, dragging him to the bed. He brings Soobin on top of him, opening his knees, feeling them jerk harshly when Soobin’s rough palms pull them even further apart. He skims his thighs with the lightest touch of his fingers and even through his jeans, it _stings,_ and Yeonjun doesn’t want him to ever stop touching him like this, lighting every nerves of his body alive.

Soobin strips Yeonjun jacket off, and he feels a sizzling rush when it finally registers what this means. This feels different than anything he’s ever done before, because Soobin already knows _everything_ about him, which places to touch that would burn the most, which right words to say for him to break.

“Tell me the first time you ever touched me.”

Soobin laughs, drags his palm up his torso until Yeonjun’s shirt bunches up, and lets his hand there, cold. “You want me to tell you that right now?”

Yeonjun clasps his hands together on the back of Soobin’s neck, shivers wretchedly. “Yeah.”

Soobin kisses him once more before moving down between his legs, and Yeonjun feels his hot breath on his stomach, pressing open-mouthed kisses on his body.

He understands why he would like Soobin to take his time. It feels like his emotions are tenfold _here_ , being Soobin’s center of attention, fireworks going off in his head whenever Soobin tongues on his sensitive skin.

It’s like being worshipped, _praised,_ taken care of. Feels really good too, the way he can feel Soobin’s little puff of breaths whenever he pulls away, only for his mouth to finally nip at him again, Soobin’s fingers gripping at his hipbone.

Yeonjun arches his back in pleasure, the sensation getting too much for him. Soobin’s eager, but focused and purposeful, and each of his touch makes Yeonjun more on edge.

Soobin goes lower, nosing down on the flesh of Yeonjun’s clothed thigh. He bites, close enough to where Yeonjun wants him the most, and he’s sure it would bruise an angry purple tomorrow.

“The first time I touched you,” Soobin says against his stomach, and Yeonjun holds his head in place, feeling his unrestrained moan. “It was _magical_.”

Yeonjun chuckles shakily at his choice of word, “Why?”

Soobin kisses him again, harder, more urgent, and Yeonjun senses his emotions seeping through, at the way he opens his mouth with reckless ache. “Just couldn’t believe I could ever have you.”

Yeonjun sighs heavily, those words settling slow in his heart, clawing around his body and makes him feel wanted. It’s getting too hot here, and Yeonjun can’t handle anymore of Soobin’s teasing.

Soobin stops suddenly, breathing hard on Yeonjun’s neck.

“You okay?”

Soobin pulls back just a little, and through the dark, Yeonjun catches his eyes. “I just can’t believe you’re here.”

Yeonjun holds his face, his thumb caressing the skin below Soobin’s eye. It hurts to hear Soobin sound like that, so quietly fragile. “I’m here,” Yeonjun says, mustering enough conviction in his voice for Soobin to know that he’s not going anywhere. “I want _this_ , Soobin.”

For a moment, there’s no answer, and all Yeonjun can feel is the slow movement of his head as he inhales sharply. Yeonjun waits, and _waits,_ and maybe he’d always wait for him. Soobin nestles his hand softly, melting against his touch, and Yeonjun knows that this means so much more to Soobin than Yeonjun could possibly ever wrap his head around. This isn’t just a night together to him.

“Yeonjun,” Soobin breathes. “ _I want you_.”

Yeonjun doesn’t even think about it, knows in his heart that it’s true. “I want you too.”

Soobin captures his mouth in a searing kiss, _messy_ , uncontrolled. It seems like he’s not holding back anymore. Yeonjun grunts, and tugs at Soobin’s belt.

*

When Yeonjun wakes up, he feels another body against his.

It’s _new_. He blinks blearily at the sudden light, sleep still lingering heavy on his eyelids. It’s so comfortable here, and Yeonjun just wants to close his eyes again, letting his mind rest into a relaxing lull. Too bad he’s already distracted.

His front is pressed on Soobin’s bare back, his hand circling around his torso. There’s a blanket over them, engulfing them in a pleasant warmth. He nuzzles on Soobin’s shoulder, breathing him in. He still smells like the amusement park - too much adrenaline, an eager first kiss, Yeonjun’s fleeting scent etched on his skin. Yeonjun just wants to revel in it.

Soobin stirs in his sleep, and his hand subconsciously grabs Yeonjun’s.

“Morning,” Yeonjun says softly, interlocking their fingers together on Soobin’s stomach.

It’s nice being the big spoon, but he wishes he could see as Soobin slowly opens his eyes, wants to see the first second of recognition when his gaze falls on him.

He feels Soobin moving slightly as awareness finally tucks him in. A hesitant squeeze of his hand, as if Soobin’s making sure that it’s really him.

“Yeonjun?”

He pulls him even closer, peeking forward a little until their cheeks are smushed together. “Hey,” he says softly, planting a delicate kiss on his temple. “You awake?”

Soobin stays quiet for a moment, before he exhales slowly, like he’s in disbelief. “Am I dreaming?”

Yeonjun drags their intertwined hands up to Soobin’s chest, pressing on his heart. “No,” He shakes his head, whispering quietly. “I’m here.”

Soobin pulls him in closer, and Yeonjun rests his chin comfortably on Soobin’s arm, giving him a reassuring smile. “Did you sleep well?”

Soobin stares at him, taking his time, and instead of looking away, Yeonjun just _lets_ him. He usually wants to shy away from the weight of Soobin’s gaze, but now he just really wants to feel it.

“Yeah,” Soobin answers after a moment, nodding his head, and a smile gradually grows from his lips. Yeonjun’s favorite smile, the one resembling sunrise. “Did you?”

“Very,” Yeonjun hums contently, moves until Soobin lay properly on his back, and Yeonjun can prop his hands on Soobin’s chest, the entire length of his body touching his.

Soobin immediately snuggles him in, caressing his back softly, his palms hot in his skin. Yeonjun sighs, musing on how cozy this feels, and how much he just wants to be here forever if he could.

“How do you feel?”

Yeonjun chuckles fondly at the question, a routine he never wants to let go. He purses his lips, pretends to think about it.

At this angle, Yeonjun can see Soobin’s double chin, but he just feels endeared. “Comfy,” he says then, smiling so wide it hurts. “You make a good pillow.”

Soobin thumbs at his cheekbone, his gaze impossibly tender. “I’m glad to be of use.”

Yeonjun breathes quietly, closing his eyes involuntarily. He can’t get enough of Soobin, completely intoxicated in his everything.

Soobin holds his face in his hands carefully, like he’s a precious thing. It makes Yeonjun wells up a little, just how much he _knows_ the depth of how Soobin feels for him, simply from the way he touches him, so vulnerably loving and gentle.

Yeonjun pulls himself up and straddles him, pinning him under. Soobin gapes up at him, surprised.

“You’re beautiful,” Yeonjun says, watching the slow rise of Soobin’s chest. He brushes a strand of hair on his forehead and tucks it behind his ear.

Soobin blushes, pink on his cheeks. Yeonjun’s heart soars.

He leans down and kisses him, and Soobin immediately opens his mouth to let him in. He tongues at his teeth, feeling Soobin writhing underneath him, his fingers clawing on his back.

When he pulls away, he’s out of breath and aching. It feels like Yeonjun’s ribcage is being split in two from the weight of how much he wants him back.

Yeonjun sucks on the skin of Soobin’s neck, satisfied when he makes little sounds in the back of his throat. He licks a stripe on Soobin’s jugular and tastes his heartbeat on his mouth. He wants to take his time too.

“Good?” He asks, now moving to nip at Soobin’s earlobe, and Soobin answers by grasping the sheets.

Yeonjun misses him, even when he doesn’t have anything of him before _this,_ before this moment _._ He doesn’t know who he was, and yet he _misses_ him still. The boy who looks at him so openly, with the whole expanse of the world in his eyes, who speaks to him with such tenderness, who has the constant question of _how do you feel_ because that’s the thing, isn’t it? Soobin, from the start, only wants him to be _okay_ , always making sure that his heart’s right.

Yeonjun kisses him, but now he’s apologizing too, sorry that it took him a while to feel it _again_.

Soobin looks beautiful like this, his hair messy, sunlight on his jaw. He’s staring at him with wonder, his lips parted, and Yeonjun realizes that he doesn’t want to look away either.

In the morning light, Yeonjun finally understands.


	3. collision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~~Home _n._ Seoul~~

Soobin thinks it’s strange that life can change in a blink of an eye.

A few months ago, it was fine. Perfect, even. Soobin had everything he wanted; a decent job, a man he loves, _a home_. He didn’t want to ask for anything else. He was _happy_. It was enough.

But one thing happened, _one second_ , an unassuming breath, and it shifts.

To think that Soobin has it memorized in his head. He remembers the loud ring of Yeonjun’s laugh, the strong grip on his arm, as they walk slowly to their parked car. It was a regular night. _It was supposed to be_.

He remembers having a clarity, in that car, as Yeonjun leaned in with a smile on his lips. He remembers thinking that he was _so_ lucky. He was so lucky to be able to look at Yeonjun’s eyes and adore him freely. He was so lucky to love him, and even more to be loved back.

Yeonjun was always a force. The way he struck into Soobin’s life like lightning. One thing happened, _a blue-haired boy,_ a timeless feeling, and it shifts.

Then the truck hit them, and now he’s here.

Soobin made it out alive. Yeonjun made it out alive, but he lost a part of himself.

He doesn’t talk about it. He doesn’t talk about it with Yeonjun or with anyone, and whenever the thought comes unannounced in his head, he ignores it. He doesn’t know how to bring it up without feeling like he’s reliving it. He can’t figure out if he ever wants Yeonjun to know what those last seconds meant - and that Soobin hasn’t learned how to let it go yet.

Soobin doesn’t say it, but he’s _scared_. Sometimes when he closes his eyes, he feels the rough cushion of the car’s chair and smells the sweet air of Yeonjun’s perfume, and when he opens them - he’s in his bed, and nothing’s burning.

It’s been months since it happened, and for the most part, life is normal again. As normal as it gets.

Ever since the date, Yeonjun hasn’t left his side. He looks at him with wonder, rests his head calmly on Soobin’s shoulder, holds his hand whenever he has a chance. He doesn’t want to bring it up - the question that has always lingered about where they stand in their marriage _now_ after the crash. Right now, it just feels _right_ and like everything will be okay, even when he knows he can’t get his hopes up.

Soobin makes him coffee in the morning, and Yeonjun cooks them dinner sometimes or orders Soobin’s favorite take outs without prompting. Yeonjun buys him bread and ice cream every now and then. Taehyun practices a dance routine with Yeonjun on their living room. Dinners at Huening Kai’s and a game of ambitious monopoly after. It’s almost like nothing has changed. They watch movies on the couch. Say good nights before they part ways in the small space between their rooms.

Yeonjun is so much more at ease now with him, but he doesn’t actually know where his head is. If this means they’ll be back to how they used to, or if this is just... a temporary _thing_ for Yeonjun. It’s nice enough to be back to their old habit, but he’s afraid that when it’s out in the open, he’d find an answer that he doesn’t want. Soobin finds himself too afraid to find out, and Yeonjun doesn’t say anything either, so he decides to just let it be for now.

Yeonjun is healthy and _alive._ His lips turn into that smile that Soobin adores, and he clings to Soobin’s arm when he’s happy. He doesn’t look at Soobin with that estranged look, and now there’s recognition in his eyes when he looks back at Soobin. He doesn’t look at him like he’s a stranger anymore, even when Soobin still feels like he is. An unwelcomed guest. An intruder in his own single home. A careless afterthought tossed away before something better comes.

But Yeonjun is okay. That’s more than he could ever ask for. It doesn’t matter what Soobin feels.

He still can’t believe that this is his life now. Yeonjun is back to being comfortable with him, and now that the barrier’s gone, Yeonjun is simply - unstoppable.

When Soobin comes home from work that day, Yeonjun is wearing his shirt.

He’s out from the shower, judging from his wet hair and fresh skin, the drips of water still lingering on his cheeks. Yeonjun is always pretty, but like this, plain, in their home and in his shirt, he looks overwhelmingly beautiful.

“Hey, stranger.” Yeonjun greets him softly, a coy smile tugging on his lips. He settles himself on Soobin’s body easily, clings to Soobin’s waist with his cold hands. “Tired?”

Soobin holds him back, a loose grip on his shoulder, feeling the soft fabric of his shirt. “You’re wearing my shirt,” he breathes, mesmerized.

“Yeah,” Yeonjun hums, smiling up at him innocently. “You like it?”

It looks big on Yeonjun, the sleeves completely drowning his entire arms. He looks _adorable_ and _squishy,_ and honestly, Soobin doesn’t know how to handle it.

Soobin nods dumbly, unable to form any coherent words even if he tried. “Yeah.”

“How was work?” Yeonjun asks softly, hands reaching up to hold Soobin’s face with his palms. They’re still damp from the shower, but Soobin just feels impossibly warm.

“Fine,” Soobin says, pulling him closer, aches to feel more of him. “You?”

“Fun!” Yeonjun exclaims, and Soobin stares as he smiles, _breathtaking,_ just like the first time he saw it. “Taehyun and I went to the arcade again today.”

Soobin closes his eyes, trying to tune out how overwhelming this is. It’s hard not to revel in it _._ Yeonjun’s hand on his cheeks, his little thumb poking on the skin below his eye, the gentle flutter of his eyelashes as he looks up at Soobin with that curiosity in his gaze.

He doesn’t know why it still feels like the ocean’s moving for him, the pull of the moon in his chest. He wishes he could tell him, that even in passing, in the fleeting second when their eyes meet, Soobin falls in love again.

It was Yeonjun’s vow, but now it’s Soobin’s turn to feel the depth of the promise.

“Hey,” Soobin says. He doesn’t know how else to say it, so he just holds him closer, breathing him in. Yeonjun smells like a lot of things, but today he smells a lot like home. “I’m happy you had fun.”

Yeonjun beams at him, pinching his cheek until it hurts. “You’re cute.”

Soobin laughs. It’s been a while since he’s heard him say that.

Sometimes Soobin wonders if this is his second chance. Or if it’s his last.

“So,” Soobin starts, tugging at Yeonjun’s collar. “Why are you wearing my shirt?”

Yeonjun grins mischeviously, “Do you want to know?”

“Yeah.”

Yeonjun tiptoes, pulls at his neck, and unexpectedly kisses him.

It’s short and soft, just a tender brush of their lips together, and Yeonjun smiles against his mouth. Yeonjun’s fingers thread gently through his hair, and Soobin holds on to him tightly, feeling like he’d fall if he ever let go.

“You didn’t answer,” Soobin says quietly when Yeonjun pulls away. He doesn’t ask if Yeonjun meant his soft _you’re beautiful_ in the morning after their date, and if he meant anything else that he said. What if Yeonjun told him that it didn’t matter? That their date was just that. _A date._ He dreads the moment Yeonjun has to look him in the eyes and tell him that this isn’t working, whatever this is, and that he can’t keep being married to a man that he doesn’t love.

So, he keeps it in. Focuses himself on the feel of Yeonjun under his fingertips, and pretends that he’s okay with the uncertainty.

Yeonjun smiles at him, and Soobin wonders if it will ever stop hurting to see him like that. “I missed you,” he admits. “It feels empty without you.”

Soobin pokes Yeonjun’s stomach until he yelps. “You need to stop teasing me.” he says, and maybe Soobin misses him more than he could ever understand.

Yeonjun pouts and looks at him with doe eyes. “You don’t miss me?”

He quietly tucks a strand of hair behind Yeonjun’s ear, because he can’t help it. “Of course I do.”

_I miss you everyday._

“Have you eaten yet?” Soobin asks softly.

“No,” Yeonjun shakes his head, grinning ear to ear. “Because I brought us food.”

They eat dinner, and it’s so _familiar_ being back here in their dining room as he listens to Yeonjun talk about his day. Sometimes there was an unspoken tension in the air and Soobin has always had to ignore it. But right now it just feels _normal,_ like how it used to be.

Soobin lets himself have it.

*

Soobin picks Yeonjun up from the dance studio. He’s done this a lot before the crash, peeking inside the window as Yeonjun finishes the class - to the point that his students grow to recognize him and would greet him when they rush out.

He’s done it a few times now, and Yeonjun always looks happy when he does it. He lights up when he sees him, even when he’s exhausted and his breath short. Nothing quiet like the shine in his eyes when he finally looks up at Soobin waiting by the door for him.

The class is empty and quiet. Soobin steps in, the sound of the door echoing through the room. Soobin’s gaze falls on Yeonjun by the mirror. He looks exhausted, his face red, wet hair on his forehead. His shirt is soaked in sweat.

When he hears him and finally recognizes his presence, Yeonjun lights up - as expected, as always, and Soobin’s heart aches for that one look.

“Hey, stranger,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin smiles.

“How was class?”

Yeonjun is still trying to catch his breath, so Soobin comfortingly pats his back, dragging his hand across his shoulder.

“Exciting,” Yeonjun replies, even when he’s still panting.

“Not tired?”

Yeonjun grins. “Not that you’re here.”

Soobin can’t help but laugh. It’s endearing to him, just how it’s so inherently Yeonjun to shamelessly flirt like this, that even with amnesia, the habit doesn’t go away.

“Happy to see me?”

Yeonjun slides his hands on Soobin’s sides, and nods. “Yeah, always,” he says, before locking their fingers together and dragging him outside. “Can we eat please?”

Soobin indulges wordlessly, letting him take the lead. They’re walking by the sidewalk now, their hands still intertwined.

“Where are we going?”

“It’s Taehyun and I’s favorite place, just by the corner.” Yeonjun explains, skipping his feet excitedly like a little child. “I want to show you.”

Soobin’s heart skips at that. “Okay.”

The evening sky is warm. It’s beautiful, he realizes, as he watches the soft pink blend with blue. Yeonjun squeezes his hand tighter.

“Look,” Yeonjun says, but Soobin’s already looking.

Soobin remembers a night in an amusement park a few years ago, when Yeonjun told him he was prettier than the sky. He wonders if Yeonjun still thinks of him that way.

The restaurant is small, and Soobin realizes that Yeonjun has brought him here before. It’s cozy and not crowded, exactly Soobin’s speed. Yeonjun immediately lets go of his hand and goes to the cashier to order, and Soobin takes the seat near a window.

“I ordered for you,” Yeonjun tells him when he’s back. “Don’t worry, I know your favorite food by now.”

“Thanks,” Soobin says softly, notices that Yeonjun is still smiling, and it’s wide, _happy_. “You’re so cheerful today.”

Yeonjun almost jumps in his seat, and excitedly grabs his hands. It looks like he did it absentmindedly, like he doesn’t even think about it before his body reacts.

“Is it obvious?” Yeonjun asks, as the grin grows brighter.

Soobin chuckles fondly. “Tell me.”

Yeonjun squeals until his eyes become crescents, and pulls at his hand until Soobin’s palm squishes his cheek. It’s probably the cutest thing Soobin has ever witnessed, but he doesn’t say it.

“Taehyung-hyung’s wedding is in two weeks.” Yeonjun chirps, and _oh_ _yeah_ , Soobin just remembers that.

“Are you excited?”

Yeonjun nods, his eyes shining. “Soobin, I really, _really_ miss Daegu.” he squeaks. “You don’t understand.”

For a moment, Soobin’s heart drops from the mention of Daegu. It sends an uneasy feeling in his stomach, but he doesn’t know why.

“You miss your family,” Soobin says, and he thinks he misses them too. He misses Mrs. Choi knowing smile, and her constant reassurance that everything will be okay.

“Yeah,” Yeonjun sighs, staring into the distance. “I also can’t wait to see their wedding.”

Soobin can’t wait either. He’s willing to bet that Taehyung and Jimin would plan the most beautiful wedding.

“About that,” Yeonjun says, trailing off, and locks his gaze with Soobin. He looks unsure about it, but decides to just blurt it out. “Hyung told me that he invited Beomgyu.”

_There it is._

Soobin stares at that strand of hair on Yeonjun’s forehead, the wine imprint on Yeonjun’s shirt, and feels his hand on his, _warm, innocent, unassuming,_ and counts to three.

It shouldn’t hurt to hear his name like that, on Yeonjun’s lips, but he can’t help the angry and ugly knots already forming in his stomach.

“Oh,” Soobin says, and stops.

“Is that... okay?”

Soobin doesn’t think it should affect him this much, but _it is._ He feels a lump in his throat, and suddenly he doesn’t know how to speak.

So, he nods, and forces a smile. It’s not like he can do anything else.

“Of course, Junie.” Soobin says, even when it stings. “It’s your brother’s wedding.”

Yeonjun looks at him, but Soobin doesn’t meet his eyes. He doesn’t think he can.

When their food arrive and Yeonjun lets go of his hands, it feels like rejection, and it burns his skin like fire. Yeonjun talks, but Soobin barely listens, not when his mind feels like fog.

Soobin thinks about Daegu. It’s Yeonjun’s home, isn’t it? Even when he’s here, it’ll always be Daegu.

He remembers when Yeonjun decided to stay in Seoul. _For him._ He wonders if past Yeonjun ever regret it, and he wonders if Yeonjun in front of him regrets it too.

Soobin thinks about Daegu, and about how much of a home that Yeonjun has waiting for him there. Soobin thinks about how Yeonjun _remembers_ Daegu, and Seoul is really just another unknown city that he’s still trying to map out in his mind.

Yeonjun remembers Daegu, and he _misses_ it.

Soobin wonders if he misses Beomgyu too. If Daegu and Beomgyu are overlapped, like Soobin always thought they were.

Yeonjun holds his hand on the way to the car, but all Soobin thinks about is how selfish this is. After the crash, Yeonjun is trapped in a marriage he doesn’t know, with a man he doesn’t love. He still remembers Daegu, so why is he still _here_? In Seoul, with _him_?

At night, in front of the spare room, Yeonjun holds him and kisses him good night on the cheek. Yeonjun smiles, and Soobin still wants him more than anything else in the world.

As he lies on the bed, he feels guilt hang heavy on his eyelids.

*

It’s mom’s birthday today.

Soobin knows it, saw it coming weeks before the clock strikes twelve. Last year, he bought a small cake by the bakery near their apartment, and Yeonjun lit the candles until the room was yellowish hued. They always do it at night, sitting together, and he remembers Yeonjun’s tight hold around his hand as they silently watch the prickle of fire ignite the air.

It’s a tradition for him, for _them_. Yeonjun never said anything, always stuck by his side, wordlessly stayed with him until Soobin feels better and the candle melts around frosting.

The very first time, Yeonjun knocked on his door with a muffin in his grip. Soobin was feeling terrible that day, more than he ever felt before. He couldn’t even bring his feet out the door, the idea of going to the store and buying a cake just made him sick to his stomach and he didn’t know why. He stayed in bed and cried, clutching his sheets in an attempt to calm himself down. All over again, he was waiting for his mom to come home only to find his heart empty and hollowed.

It was almost twelve and Soobin thought this year he wasn’t going to do it. He tried, _he really did,_ but everything was heavy and he just _couldn’t_. Maybe it just hurt a lot more tonight and he didn’t want to do it alone. Guilt gnawed at his lungs, but he supposed it was nothing a sleep couldn’t fix. Tomorrow was still a new day, and maybe mom wouldn’t mind if he was a day late.

But Yeonjun came up, red in his cheeks, a thousand year smile in his lips.

“ _Sorry it’s just a muffin,_ ” he said on the couch, holding the muffin like it was the most precious thing he ever held.

Soobin couldn’t tell him that it meant so much more than he could ever understand. He had stared at him, dumbfounded, mouth open with astonishment.

“ _How do you know?_ ”

“ _You didn’t call me back since yesterday, so I got worried and asked Seokjin-hyung,”_ Yeonjun put the muffin on the table, sticking the candle on top of it. “ _He said this is what you do.”_

Then, they hadn’t been dating for long. Soobin had only talked about mom once or maybe twice.

“ _Sorry,_ ” Soobin muttered quietly, the telltale of warmth in his chest.

Yeonjun gave him a look; faint over the fire, but still crystal clear. “ _What now?_ ”

“ _We make a wish.”_

So Yeonjun pressed himself beside Soobin - a hand on his, fingers colliding with ease, and Soobin closed his eyes.

Soobin told mom a little about his life and a blue-haired boy with a smile brighter than the sun. _I met a boy_. Mom would’ve brushed his hair out of his eyes and a gentle glow in her gaze that felt like home. _I think I love him_.

He blew on the candle, _happy birthday, mom. I miss you always_ whispered quietly in his heart. When he opened his eyes, there was Yeonjun and he didn’t feel as alone.

He has always done it with Yeonjun since. When he didn’t have the strength to buy the cake, Yeonjun would do it silently, and Soobin was always thankful for it.

Today, as the afternoon comes and recognition fills in, he doesn’t want to wake up. His mouth feels stale, his eyes dry, and a painful lump on the base of his throat. He tucks the blanket up until it covers his face, dragging his knees up to his chest until he feels _small,_ unseen, just a blob of white fabric against grey sheets.

He wonders if Yeonjun has woken up yet. He doesn’t want to get out of his room and eat his lunch, not when Yeonjun’s here and he’ll look at him like _this_.

Soobin shuts his eyes tight and tries to fall back to sleep. It’s Saturday, he doesn’t have work, it should be _fine_. He’s just tired and maybe misses mom more than usual. Maybe he misses her more than he has the words for, and it comes in the form of an ache, a pull in his heart that’s been there ever since she left.

The afternoon bleeds into evening, his consciousness keeps slipping right through a state of being awake and not - and he’s floating in the middle where he can’t get up, but his mind’s tired and needs the rest.

In the middle of his haze, there’s a knock on his door, and a voice.

“Soobin?”

He hesitates. Maybe he could pretend to be asleep.

Another knock. “Hey, you up?”

Soobin sighs tiredly, wiping the side of his face with his open palm. Yeonjun hasn’t seen him like this before. He doesn’t want him to.

“Yeah, just did,” Soobin tries out, a crack in his voice.

A beat of silence, before Yeonjun speaks out again. “Can we go out?”

Soobin mulls it over. He doesn’t want to lie, but he also doesn’t want to trouble Yeonjun and burden him with his mess.

But against his better judgement, he croaks out an answer. “Where?”

“Just - you know, out,” Yeonjun says vaguely, almost like he’s nervous, and there’s a bump on the door like he accidentally knocks his body on it. “I want to spend tonight with you. If that’s okay.”

Soobin blinks, staring at the edge of the bed. Almost like he can’t believe his ears, that Yeonjun wants to spend Saturday, with _him_.

It’s not out of the blue or strange, he does spend a lot of time with him but mostly because he _has to_. They live together after all, and although he seems to enjoy Soobin’s company, hearing it _out loud_ from Yeonjun’s mouth is a different thing entirely.

Yeonjun, on the other hand, takes the silence as a no. “Oh, are you busy? It’s fine, I’ll find something to do with Taehyun -”

“No, no, _no,_ ” Soobin dismisses quickly, waving his hand even though Yeonjun can’t see him. Yeonjun sounds excited about it, so Soobin pushes through the heaviness in his lungs and continues, “I’m not busy.”

“So, you’ll go?” Yeonjun asks, hopeful and bright.

Soobin swallows, and nods. More to himself than anything else. “Yeah sure, Junie.”

Another bump on the door, and Yeonjun winces audibly. Soobin wonders why he’s acting like this. “Okay!” he chirps. “See you in an hour then, Soobin-ah.”

Soobin wants to remind him that they’re only a room away, but Yeonjun’s already gone, subdued steps disappearing from his door. He stares numbly at it for a moment, trying to make sense of what just happened.

Sure. He can go out. He’ll suck it up, and it’ll be okay. Maybe it’s also for the best. Maybe he’ll feel better then.

Soobin spends some more time in the bed, trying to quiet down his thoughts. When it’s eased, just a little, and the sky has darkened a bit more, he goes to the bathroom and lets the running water hit his scalp. It’s hard not to think about it, not when the weight looms over his head like a dead city.

It’s better. The shower makes him feel like he’s out with a new skin, new itch - or maybe he’s trying to believe that. He needs to believe that it’s better, or he’ll go back inside his room and lock himself up, and Yeonjun will be confused and he’d have _questions._ In which Soobin doesn’t have all the answers to.

He fixes himself a hoodie and jeans. Comfortable enough, the front pocket warm for his hands. He knocks on Yeonjun’s door.

This feels a lot like their date. Yeonjun’s first one, Soobin’s countless time.

Yeonjun opens the door, and Soobin blinks.

He’s dressed up. Nothing too fancy, but he looks _nice_. Right off the bat, he smells like his usual perfume - sweet and a little sugary. There’s a little make up on the corner of his eyes, faint crimson on his eyelids.

“Hey,” Soobin croaks. He doesn’t understand.

Yeonjun smiles, _pretty_ , an innocent tug of his lips, and there’s expectation in his gaze. “You ready to go?”

Soobin nods dazedly. He thinks he’s missing something. An important puzzle about _this_ that he simpy can’t see. Before he can think too much about it, Yeonjun slides his hand into his palm and drags him out. It doesn’t occur to him that he hasn’t even told him where they’re going to go yet.

Yeonjun stands in front of the car’s door. He tilts his head at him.

“Can I drive?” Yeonjun asks, eyes going round.

Soobin grips the key tighter, almost like a reflex. His shoulders go tense, and he gulps down the panic setting in.

“Why?”

“The place we’re going to is a surprise for you,” Yeonjun elaborates. “I don’t know where it is, but maybe it’ll be a surprise for both of us too.”

Soobin isn’t sure what he means, but he’s barely listening anyway, his voice swimming through his eardrums like a muffled static noise. In an instant, it’s Yeonjun in the back of the steering wheel again - with an old smile, his sweet perfume in every inch of the car sticking in the backseat, the mirror, even in the gaps between Soobin’s fingers. It’s Yeonjun leaning in for a kiss again, cold hands on his cheeks, and then there was nothing else but _nothing_.

“Soobin?”

He moves away, snapping the keys around his fingers. Its metallic taste burns to his palm.

“No,” Soobin rasps harshly. “It’s _fine_. I can drive.”

Yeonjun looks at him with his mouth open, bewildered, but Soobin doesn’t want to think about it. He steps inside the car silently, giving no room for debate. Yeonjun doesn’t comment on it and worldlessly takes the passenger seat.

As he drives, Soobin can sense Yeonjun’s eyes on him - questioning, wondering, _heavy_. Soobin ignores it.

“I turn the GPS on for you,” Yeonjun says.

“Okay.”

It’s silent. When it’s quiet, Yeonjun usually takes the lead and talks about it. But right now, he’s quiet too, just the soft drag of his shoes and jittery hands on the dashboard.

Soobin feels guilty. Yeonjun seems excited, hopeful too, and this is probably even more disappointing than just refusing to go at all. He probably should’ve just lied.

His silence isn’t suffocating. It’s uncomfortable, but it doesn’t come from a bitter or resentful place. Soobin lets it stretch.

He follows the GPS diligently, and after awhile the roads become familiar, the stores like a map in his dusty mind. It feels like revisiting a hometown you no longer live in, and you start to realize the small details that create the whole picture alive.

“Ah,” he says, when it becomes obvious.

When he finished parking, the silence turns tangible, and Soobin pops a question softly, because he can’t believe that they’re _here_ again. He doesn’t remember when was the last time they went. “How do you know it was here?”

Yeonjun taps his finger on his hand nervously. “I asked Kai about it. I thought he would know.”

“I told him about it a million times before,” Soobin leans his temple on the chair, looking over at Yeonjun with a mirrored posture.

“I know you would,” Yeonjun whispers. A sadness in his eyes he didn’t see before. “I wanted to see it for myself.”

“You could’ve just said so from the start.”

“It’s a surprise for you too,” Yeonjun says, a croaky laugh. “Ta-da.”

Soobin looks at him in disbelief. Through the dim light, Soobin wants to reach out and tell him he’s sorry.

So he does. “Sorry,” he says quietly.

“It’s okay,” Yeonjun replies back, even when he doesn’t know. Maybe he’s catching on. “Let’s just get inside.”

The cafe still looks the same. It’s crowded and full, muted chatter and laughter from inside can be heard through the window. The bright sign in front of it is still the same, attracting and big, like lightning.

Yeonjun opens the door, and the bells rung. Soobin is electrified, all over again, and it scares him just how much this place reeks of Yeonjun and _him_ , of first love and Seoul.

He wonders if this is how Yeonjun felt too, about first love and Daegu. Yeonjun remembers that. _Not this._ It still hurts, no matter how Soobin looks at it.

Yeonjun looks around with curiosity in his gaze, the same way when he looks at the sky - like he’s amazed, almost childlike. He tugs at Soobin’s elbow to the display window. There are colorful cupcakes, different kind of bread, tasty looking muffins. Yeonjun points at rainbow cupcakes in front of the row.

“Can we get that?”

Yeonjun orders two for them, americano for himself, and iced coffee for Soobin. They take a vacant seat on the wall.

“For you,” Yeonjun slides Soobin’s portion of the order across the table.

It’s too loud here. Everyone is talking, and the coffee smells strong, a heady taste in his mouth. Soobin barely registers anything.

Yeonjun doesn’t talk. He eats his food quietly, sips his coffee without saying a word. He’s looking at Soobin, still questioning, and Soobin doesn’t know what to answer it with.

Soobin hasn’t eaten anything yet and his stomach grumbles, so he forces the cupcake in his mouth, and the frosting melts on his tongue. It’s sweet, but he doesn’t taste it.

“Are you okay?” Yeonjun finally asks, a tentative worry.

Soobin doesn’t want to lie, and even if he had the strength to muster enough convinction in it, he knows Yeonjun would see right through it. So, he doesn’t. He drinks his coffee, cold and stings, and utters it low.

“No.”

Yeonjun scraps the thin paper of the cupcake absentmindedly, his gaze soft. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s her birthday today,” Soobin says, and it immediately sinks in when he says it out loud. It’s her birthday, and Soobin’s been sulking around like a kid.

“Who?”

“Mom,” He says quietly, refusing his gaze.

Soobin feels guilty. This day should’ve been _special_. Yeonjun bringing him here, to the place they first met. It should be monumental or something, and Soobin should’ve been more excited, but right now he just doesn’t feel it.

For a moment, he’s scared that Yeonjun would be put-off by this. It was his fear, back then when they were dating - that Yeonjun would see his mess and decides that he’s not worth it anymore. Now, in the face of a familiar set of eyes, but they’re unknown, far away, _clueless -_ Soobin relives the same fear again.

Why would Yeonjun stay for him? Why did he _ever_ stay for him?

But it doesn’t come. His rejection. Instead, Yeonjun reaches out for his hand.

“Oh,” he says, regret seeping through. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You looked excited,” Soobin answers truthfully.

“I wouldn’t have brought you here if I knew,” Yeonjun says, and sighs apologetically. “I’m sorry.”

The last thing he wants is for Yeonjun to feel sorry for this. This isn’t his fault. “It’s okay, you didn’t know. Besides, the cupcake’s nice,” Soobin offers, meeting his gaze with a little smile.

Yeonjun doesn’t say anything, but he looks at him with sad eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Soobin says instead, echoing him.

“Do you want to go home?”

“Is that okay with you?”

“Of course,” Yeonjun squeezes his hand soothingly. “Whatever you want.”

Soobin nods sullenly. There’s something throbbing inside of his chest, right at his heart - the weight of the day getting heavier the longer they’re here.

Yeonjun doesn’t ask more, simply tidies their table and puts the trash in the bin. He finds Soobin’s hand easily. Delicate fingers pressing cold on his ring.

They’re back in the car. It’s quiet again, but it doesn’t linger. Soobin doesn’t mind it. Yeonjun looks like he doesn’t either, leaning his head on the window with his eyes closed.

“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun says softly as they arrive back at their apartment. “Thank you for today.”

He barely did anything, but Yeonjun sounds sincere. As though it was _enough_ for him, just for Soobin to be there at the cafe. He thinks he should’ve done _more_ , so he stops Yeonjun from opening the door.

“It’s not done,” he says.

“What?”

“It’s not midnight yet,” Soobin rushes out. “Today’s not over.”

Soobin doesn’t go here alone often. They used to, together, when Yeonjun wants to see the night sky. They’ve brought Huening Kai alone too before, his laugh a breath of fresh air in the open space. It’s not the nicest place, just a couple chairs and wooden crates, but the price isn’t on the ground.

It’s up there.

Yeonjun gasps quietly as they arrive at the roof of their apartment building, head tilting up to stare at the full stretch of the sky. “You’ve never brought me here before,” he whispers.

Soobin smiles at Yeonjun’s simple fascination, eyes going round, shining as bright as the stars above. He drops to the ground.

“What are you doing,” Soobin laughs, watching as Yeonjun tries to find a comfortable position. He’s lying on his back, hands clasped on his stomach.

“Come here,” Yeonjun tugs at Soobin’s pant leg.

Soobin stares at the floor. It looks like no one’s been here for quiet a while. He contemplates, just for a full second, before taking the spot next to him.

“Wow,” Yeonjun breathes out, his arm warm against his.

Soobin doesn’t look at the sky. He turns his head, and finds his.

Mom has never met Yeonjun. Past and now. She didn’t get to see the boy that he loves. The blue haired boy with the muffin. The boy beside him with love for the sky.

It always hurts. He remembers being twenty and being afraid of that boy. The first time he fell in love. The first time he really ever let anyone in.

He told Seokjin after they got together that he was scared. Scared that Yeonjun would stop seeing the good in him - and when he found the bad, he would _leave_. Scared that when saw his broken parts, he wouldn’t like him anymore.

Being here, he’s with that blue haired boy that he met years ago again. The boy who didn’t know who he was. The boy who hadn’t seen his bad.

It’s starting over. Being here, he’s starting over. He’s back to square one. He’s back to being in love with someone who has only seen the good and he doesn’t know if this boy would love him back like he used to.

“Happy birthday, Soobin’s mom,” Yeonjun wishes quietly.

He doesn’t tell him that it always hurts.

He doesn’t tell him that he misses mom more than he can ever say.

There’s no muffin now. No cake. It’s the first time he celebrates her birthday without a wish and a candle.

But Yeonjun’s here, like that day when he came to his door.

 _Happy birthday, mom_. _I miss you always_.

He stares at his sky, and he misses him always, too.

*

He’s been thinking about it a lot.

He thinks about Daegu and a boy next door, about first love and a blue-haired boy. In the morning, when the sun is still peeking around the corner, he _runs_. He runs until he can’t feel his legs, he runs until it hurts everywhere, and when he reaches the park they went to months ago, hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath, Soobin still misses him.

It's cold when he thinks about it. When he thinks about the life that Yeonjun left behind, _for him_. He thinks about a wedding a few years ago, and how much it always hurts to look at Yeonjun. It doesn’t change. It never has.

In that cafe, when they first caught each other’s eyes, Soobin remembers just how much it ached. He remembers the scribbled number on his coffee cup, remembers the first second when Yeonjun’s lips tug in a smile. He remembers the moment it struck him, that this boy would change his life forever _._

Soobin remembers sleepless nights, sunken eyes, shaking hands, remembers how it felt when he looked at the ceiling, and realized that mom wasn’t coming back.

He looks at the sky and tries to find beauty in it, like Yeonjun does. He stares at the faint glow, the clouds, he stares at that one empty spot in the sky, and wonders why Yeonjun finds peace in it. The sky stretches, never-ending and bigger than Soobin could ever comprehend, and it _scares_ him.

It’s strange that it’s the exact reason why it calms Yeonjun down.

When Soobin closes his eyes, he’s back in that car. He’s back to the past, holding hands with a boy who loves him back, touching his face like they had all the time in the world.

Soobin goes back and and drives. He doesn’t think, just lets his hands move.

He arrives at Seokjin’s house. Yoongi opens the door for him.

Maybe it’s the way he looks, or how he’s heaving like he can’t catch his breath, but Yoongi holds his shoulder wordlessly and drags him slowly inside.

He doesn’t remember much, but he knows Seokjin is in front of him now, and he’s talking but Soobin can barely hear a thing. All he knows is he’s back to being that scared twenty year old boy, and it feels like his heart is too big for his body. Seokjin is touching him, grounding him, but Soobin can only think about _Yeonjun_ , and mom, and how Seokjin used to ruffle his hair when he cried.

“I got you,” Seokjin says, and Soobin lets his voice drag him away. “I got you, Bin.”

*

Soobin spends the rest of the day with Seokjin and Yoongi.

Their house is warm. He doesn’t know how to explain it, but it’s _warm._

Soobin tells him that he misses mom. Seokjin’s eyes are always sad when they talk about mom. But he smiles, and says that he misses her too. They move to the floor when Yoongi brings a photo album, and Soobin laughs at a picture of young Seokjin and him wrestling at their old backyard. There’s a picture of Seokjin and Yoongi with mom. Her smile is dazzling and it looks starkingly similiar to Seokjin’s. It makes him misses her even more.

Yoongi cooks them lunch and they eat quietly at the dining table. He watches the afternoon sky by the window and how the colors have changed since he arrived. He remembers what Yeonjun said - about the sky never looking the same.

When the sky is a mess of purple and blue, the vastness of it terrifying, Yoongi turns the TV on and they watch a movie. It’s something he’s seen before, but doesn’t remember what it’s about. Yoongi and Seokjin bicker about it - Yoongi thinks it’s a cinematic masterpiece, and Seokjin argues that it’s not simply to annoy him.

Something about this, just seeing them, being _here_ in their space - it makes Soobin thinks that it’s fine. Everything will be fine.

The movie ends and it’s quiet. The silence goes on until Yoongi looks at him in the eyes and asks him if he wants to talk about it. Soobin nods.

So he talks. He talks about Yeonjun and their _first_ date. Yoongi tells him it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay that it feels like starting over.

“It doesn’t have to be a scary thing,” he says, and Soobin stares at his ring.

Somewhere along the way, it’s not about Yeonjun’s memory loss anymore. It’s not about Yeonjun not remembering him. He thinks back to the ferris wheel and how Yeonjun said he didn’t mind it anymore. He remembers the cold of his palm, and the rush in his chest when they got closer to the sky. It’s about Soobin and when he looks at the sky, it’s still just an open space.

Seokjin ruffles his hair before he goes. “I know you’ll figure out,” he says softly.

When he opens the door to their apartment, Yeonjun is at the couch. He’s hugging a pillow with Soobin’s pink blanket around his shoulders. He’s staring at the TV with serious eyes, and Soobin’s heart clenches fondly. As his gaze falls on him though, he quickly clicks pause to what Soobin assume is a movie.

“Hey, where have you been?”

“Seokjin’s,” Soobin answers, giving him a smile. He wants to take a shower and clear his mind, but his body gravitates to the couch, so he lets it, nestling between the armrest and Yeonjun. Lets himself have it. Have him. “What did you do today?”

“I woke up like a few hours ago,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin notices the bowl of popcorn on the table. “I’ve just been watching Netflix.”

“Not hanging out with Taehyun?”

“Nah,” he shakes his head, dragging his knees to his chest. “He had to do some errands or something. You okay?”

Soobin’s heart skips a beat. “Why’d you ask?”

Yeonjun shrugs. “Just because.”

Soobin stares at the faint scar below Yeonjun’s eyebrow. “I’m okay, Junie.” he says. In this moment, there’s nothing else that he wants than to just stare at him and hear him talk. Maybe that’s what it is; maybe everything boils down to _this._ The simple ache to just be with him, despite it all.

“Okay,” Yeonjun says, and holds the remote, his thumb hovering over the buttons. “Do you want to watch something with me?”

“Sure.”

“What do you want to watch?”

Soobin looks at Yeonjun, and wonders why he’s still here. “Tangled,” he says.

Yeonjun stiffens for a moment, so quick that Soobin almost didn’t catch it. There’s a smile on his lips, but it looks glum, and in his eyes, there’s a knowing glint.

He doesn’t say anything, simply types it out and plays the movie. During the opening credit, Yeonjun shares Soobin’s pink blanket and puts it over them.

*

“Soobinie, are you still awake?”

He blinks bearily at the dim room, eyebrows furrowing confusedly at the quiet knocks on his door. He was already slowly drifting to sleep, but now he’s immediately wide awake, alert at Yeonjun’s small, tentative voice.

“Yeah,” Soobin lies easily, blinking at the sudden jolt of consciousness, still adjusting. “Come in.”

Yeonjun opens the door slowly, and it creaks against the frame. For a second he is only a dark, blurry figure, before Soobin finally makes out his figure - plain in his pajamas, a slight ruffle in his hair, like he’s been tossing and turning on his pillow for a while.

“Hey,” Soobin says, and moves to one side of the bed. “What’s wrong?”

Yeonjun paces a bit, looks around the room uncertainly. The soft, warm light illuminates his face.

“Can I?”

“Yeah,” Soobin nods, his voice low. “Of course.”

Yeonjun tucks himself in beside Soobin until the bed dips. In the dark, Yeonjun reaches for his hand, and Soobin lets his fingers wrap tightly around his.

“Hey,” he says frowning, can’t help but worry on his unsual silence. “You okay?”

Yeonjun lets out a long, dragged out sigh. There’s something unwavering in the lines of his face, like he’s thinking about something.

“Soobinie,” Yeonjun says softly, like he’s afraid of his own voice, his breath warm and smells like mint. “Sorry.”

“Why?”

“For waking you up,” Yeonjun flashes him a guilty smile. “You were already asleep, right?”

Soobin shakes his head, “I don’t mind.” _He doesn’t._

He stares at Yeonjun, trying to find the answer in the ridge of his cheekbone. “What’s wrong?” he asks again, because he needs to know.

“I can’t sleep,” Yeonjun admits, his finger trailing the surface of Soobin’s ring. “Tell me something.”

“What?”

“Tell me about me.”

Soobin stares at him.

“Tell me about me,” Yeonjun repeats, nodding his head against the pillow. “Tell me about the boy you married.”

There are so many things that Soobin can say. There are so many things that he wants to tell him about that boy.

“He’s,” Soobin says, feeling open. “He’s great.”

Yeonjun snorts. “Just great?”

Soobin laughs. “You didn’t let me finish.”

Yeonjun’s eyes shine, and he waits for Soobin to tell him more. He waits, his breath on his throat, so Soobin opens his mouth, and goes on.

“He’s carefree,” Soobin starts, smiles when he thinks about it. About the blue-haired boy who made him feel braver than he ever was. “I always like that.”

Yeonjun’s thumb absentmindedly traces his skin, and Soobin lets himself think about the past.

“When we first moved in here, in this apartment,” Soobin says, remembering how it used to look back then. “There weren’t any furniture for like a week. Just our bed in our room. I was freaking out about it, but you didn’t care.”

Yeonjun spells out his name on his hand with a shape Soobin can’t recognize.

“You pulled me until I fell on the bed with you. You started talking about how you want our apartment to look like. You talked about our room, and the kitchen, and even the color of the curtains. You always talk about the future like that, like you weren’t scared of it. I could never do that,” Soobin whispers gently, as if the memory would disappear if he utters it loud enough. 

Yeonjun tugs his hand closer until it’s pressed softly against his cheek. “Are you scared? Now?”

Soobin wants to say yes. He wants to say that he’s scared of what this means. He’s scared of the open curiosity in Yeonjun’s gaze, the same one reflected years ago when they met.

He shakes his head slowly. “No,” he says, even if it hurts. No matter how fleeting or swift Yeonjun’s new affection is, bottom line is this is what Soobin wants, just the gentle presence of Yeonjun’s body, an aching reminder that Soobin has loved him, and he loves him still.

“Okay,” Yeonjun stammers in a breathe, like he was holding it.

“I don’t know what else to tell you,” Soobin says hoarsely, and looks at their intertwined hands. Yeonjun’s thumb has stopped moving.

When he looks at him, Yeonjun’s eyes are closed.

Yeonjun mumbles, barely awake. “How do you feel about that boy?”

“You know how I feel.” Soobin whispers quietly.

“Tell me still.”

“You know how I feel for you,” Soobin adds, but Yeonjun stays quiet.

Soobin smiles, and presses a soft kiss on his knuckles.

*

They arrive on Daegu at Friday night.

The car ride is filled with Yeonjun talking excitedly over music, the aux cable plugged on his phone. He puts his shoes on the dashboard, and Soobin steals glances at him whenever they stop at a red light. Yeonjun looks beautiful like this, so unabashedly him, the evening sun on his face. As the night comes, the moon kisses his skin, and he still looks as divine.

Soobin sees Yeonjun turns to face him on his peripheral, and there’s that open look in his eyes. “What was our wedding like?” he asks.

“You’ve seen the video.”

Yeonjun sighs dreamily, looking back at the road. “I know,” he nods, and slumps on his seat. “I can’t believe I missed it.”

Soobin wants to reach out to him, but instead he just grips the steering wheel tighter. “We can do it again,” he says, and laughs when it comes out of his mouth. It sounds silly out loud. “If you want.”

Yeonjun straights up so fast it sounds like it hurts. Soobin spares him a glance, and Yeonjun’s looking at him with wide eyes, taking him seriously. “What? Are you joking?”

Soobin wants to tell him that he’d married him a thousand times more if he could. He chuckles fondly, “Of course I am.”

Yeonjun goes back to his seat, and by the sound of it, Soobin knows he’s pouting. He huffs, crossing his arms. “How dare you do that to me. I thought you were _serious_.”

“Can you even marry the same person twice?” Soobin asks incredulously, laughing again when Yeonjun stays quiet. “Like, legally?”

“I don’t know,” Yeonjun says petulantly. “Who _cares_ about the law, Soobinnie. I just want to experience my own wedding.”

Soobin doesn’t know what to say to that. Yeonjun is kidding, maybe, _mostly_ , but he knows there’s a decent of truth in there. He doesn’t know what to tell him.

“It was magical, Junie.” Soobin says after a moment, when the silence has gone too long.

“ _Magical._ Why do you always use that word?”

Soobin stares at the streelight, bright and stirring. “I don’t know,” he says with a shrug, even though he knows. “Seems fitting.”

Yeonjun puts down his feet, and drags his knees to his chest, making himself small. Soobin can almost hear him think.

“Do you miss him?”

“Who?”

“The boy you married.”

Soobin wants to look at him properly, but he keeps his gaze on the road. “That was you.”

“But do you miss _him_?”

Had Yeonjun asked him months ago, Soobin would probably say yes. He would say that he misses that boy. A version of Yeonjun that misses him back. But the thing is, he’s still _here_. Yeonjun is still _here,_ and he misses him just the same. Maybe even more.

“No,” Soobin shakes his head.

 _It’s you,_ he wants to say, _It’s always you I miss._

The hotel is way too big and too luxurious than Soobin initially thought it would be. He gapes at it as the car drives inside the gate, and Yeonjun yelps excitedly as he parks.

They meet Taehyung in the lobby, and Yeonjun jumps to give him a bear hug. When they break apart, Taehyung hugs Soobin just as tight.

“How was the ride?” Taehyung asks fleetingly as he talks to the receptionist. He’s wearing night wear - a simple shirt and a pajama pants, like he was ready for bed, but there’s no sign of drowsiness in his face, just unmasked delight.

“Smooth. Soobin is a great driver.” Yeonjun answers for him.

Taehyung gives the key cards to their rooms, and Soobin holds on to it as he scans the lavish design. “Uh,” he says. “You didn’t tell me you rented a castle for the wedding.”

Taehyung laughs, joining them to the elevator. He presses a button, and it slowly moves up.

“How do you feel, hyung?” Yeonjun peers at him with sparkling eyes, tugs at his arm enthusiastically.

Soobin stares as Taehyung puts his arm around his brother protectively, smiles fondly at his eagerness. “I’m just happy, Junie.”

Soobin can feel it. Taehyung looks bright, his eyes gleaming, and he has that heavy happiness in him; so infectiously loud. It reminds him of how he felt the night before his own wedding.

“I’m happy for you, hyung.” Soobin says, and means it.

Taehyung gives him a meaningful smile. “Thank you, Bin.”

When the elevator opens, he’s greeted to a long hall of rooms. Taehyung ushers them to their side-by-side rooms, and kisses Yeonjun’s hair when he needs to leave.

“You must be tired, so let’s talk tomorrow, yeah?” Taehyung gives Soobin one last hug, and pats his back. “See you guys.”

Yeonjun waves him goodbye, and Taehyung disappears inside the elevator’s closing door, and suddenly, the air becomes thick.

It’s quiet. There’s no one else in the hall, just them - Soobin’s pacing, unsure what to do with his feet, and Yeonjun is leaning against the wall between their rooms.

“This feels like our apartment,” Yeonjun says, and there’s longing in his eyes, a tender smile on his lips. “When we say good night, and before we go to our respective rooms.”

Soobin just spent hours in the car with him, and yet, only now does he feel like a deer caught in headlights. There’s just something about Yeonjun, the gentle and calm way he’s approaching this moment, a stillness in the way he’s looking at him, like he knows what he wants.

“Are you tired?” Soobin asks softly, his gaze roaming on his face. Before he can answer, Soobin has already noticed it first; Yeonjun looks more awake than he ever has in his life.

Yeonjun shakes his head slowly, his lips tugging in a steady smile. “No.”

“You should get some rest,” Soobin says dazedly, and he’s back in that limbo where they’re the only people who exist in this reality. 

“But I don’t want to rest,” Yeonjun pouts.

“What do you want then?”

Yeonjun moves closer to him, and hugs him.

It feels like being punched in the gut, and his hands freeze in the air for a second, before it fully registers to him that Yeonjun has wrapped himself around Soobin’s body vice-like, slotting perfectly against his bones.

Soobin closes his eyes, breathing in his perfume. More than anything, he just smells like Yeonjun, and Soobin misses it. He smells just like how he used to. Smells like Seoul. Smells like Daegu. Smells like _him_. It hurts that Yeonjun smells like him now.

Soobin bends down to accommodate their height difference, and nuzzles his face on Yeonjun’s neck. He can feel Yeonjun’s fingers on his back, and he’s tracing shapes again.

“What are you drawing?” Soobin asks quietly.

“It’s a secret,” He whispers back.

They stay like that for a while. Yeonjun holds on to him tight, like he never wants to let go, and Soobin takes his time to memorize him. His shoulder blades, the flutter of his hair on his cheek. The way he breathes, as though he’s revelling in _this_ , as much as Soobin is.

Yeonjun steps back, but his hands still grasp on Soobin’s side, crumpling his shirt.

“I’ll tell you tomorrow,” Yeonjun says in a breath, and there’s fire in his eyes.

Soobin stares at him. “Okay.”

Yeonjun opens his mouth like there’s still something that he wants to say. He contemplates, a second, twice, before he finally closes it, and smiles.

“Good night?” Yeonjun says, but it sounds like a question, like he doesn’t want to say goodbye just yet - that he’d rather stay here in this empty hall with Soobin than go inside his room.

He tucks an errant hair softly behind Yeonjun’s ear, letting his hand rests on his cheek. Soobin wants to tell him that nothing has changed, and he wants him now as much as he did in that cafe when the bells rung. He wants to tell him that he has always loved him, even now, when Yeonjun looks back at him and he doesn’t remember that.

Even if Yeonjun decides that this isn’t what he wants, Soobin would still feel the same.

Soobin’s thumb grazes the scar below Yeonjun’s eyebrow, feeling unbearably open. “Good night,” he echoes back.

_My love._

_*_

In the morning, Yeonjun knocks at his door to wake him up.

They eat breakfast together at the buffet - Yeonjun’s hair sticking up, his eyes still glued on the edges, and he pouts as he munches on the food. It’s a new day, he can feel it, such anticipation building inside of him even when it’s not his wedding. Yeonjun is brimming with enthusiasm and he bounces lightly on his feet as he stares with childlike wonderment at him.

“I can’t believe my brother is getting married,” he says with food in his mouth.

Soobin laughs at him, and Yeonjun pouts harder. “You’re getting crumbs everywhere,” he points out.

Ignoring him, Yeonjun rolls his eyes and continues, “It’s a little weird.”

“Why?”

“He’s my _brother_.”

Soobin eyes Yeonjun’s empty ring finger. “ _You’re_ married. Does he think it’s weird?”

Yeonjun stares at him for a moment, like he’s considering it, then shrugs. “Hm. I’ll ask him later.”

“Junie,” Soobin says, glancing at the food on Yeonjun’s mouth.

Yeonjun looks down at his own lips, and unprovokedly just leans into Soobin’s space, looking expectedly at him.

Soobin chuckles fondly, even when his heart clenches at the familiarity of it all. He grabs a napkin and softly wipes it off.

“There,” he says.

Yeonjun is still looking at him, and he’s grinning. “Are you sure you got everything?”

Soobin lets his finger skim on the corner of his lips, even when he got it the first time. “Yeah.”

Yeonjun goes back to his seat and starts talking again, so Soobin listens and finishes his food. They part ways after - Yeonjun goes to meet Taehyung in his dressing room, while Soobin goes back to his hotel room.

It’s a whirlwind of events after that. It’s a lot like his wedding, but this time he doesn’t feel like he’s going to throw up before the actual ceremony starts, and now he’s getting ready by himself. He takes his time in the shower, trying to ease up the tense muscles in his back, and also spends awhile in front of the mirror as he puts on make up.

Soobin’s suit is tailored perfectly around his frame, but somehow it still feels too tight around his neck. He doesn’t know what it is, but it makes him feel taut and tense, and he keeps stretching the collar until he can breathe.

When they meet again, Yeonjun is already dressed up as well. The suit matches him well - it looks classy and handsome on him. There’s make up around his eyes, and his lips are faint red. Soobin is immediately tongue tied, starstruck, and Yeonjun uses the moment to slide himself against Soobin’s body.

“Hey, stranger,” he greets playfully, smiling brightly at him. He’s looking at Soobin like they were apart for a long time, when it’s only been a few hours. Soobin doesn’t understand why he’s looking at him like that.

Soobin holds him back, because he can’t help it. “Hey.”

“You look good,” Yeonjun says against his mouth. “You look really good.”

Soobin sputters, completely caught of guard. He didn’t expect _that_ \- certainly not like this, when Yeonjun has his hands on his waist, and Yeonjun just looks like _Yeonjun_. In this moment, it feels like they’re back again to being who they were before everything else.

“Thanks,” he says weakly.

Yeonjun tilts his head, expectant. “How about me?”

It’s easy to say it, because it’s always been the truth; out of his mouth like a vow: “You’re breathtaking, Junie.”

And he is. He always is. Yeonjun smiles then, a slow and satisfied shift in his lips, and Soobin burns the sight of it to the back of his mind.

“Thank you, Soobinnie,” He says quietly, like it’s only meant for him. Maybe it is.

The ceremony room is already filled with people he doesn’t know. He meets Yeonjun’s parents as the room is starting to overflow.

Mrs. Choi has her hand around Mr. Choi’s arm, and they smile brightly at them. Yeonjun gives them both tight hugs as he giggles happily. They look well-dressed, a nice match to Yeonjun’s fancy suit. Like this, Soobin can really tell how much they resemble each other; not the physical aspect of it, even though Yeonjun looks so much like his mother, but the aura - you can easily tell that they come from the same house, the same family.

“Soobin-ah,” Mrs. Choi greets him, and there are crinkles on the edges of her eyes that feels like home. He holds it close to his heart. “How are you, honey?”

She pats his back, and Soobin goes back to that moment in time, when he first met her, and it felt like a punch to the gut. Her voice is soft, always soft for him, and Soobin hugs her back. “I’m fine, Ma,” he says, and it’s true in that second that he says it. It’s true because Mrs. Choi still looks him the same way - like he’s her own son, and this is his rightful home. “How about you?”

She looks at him momentarily, like she’s trying to find cracks in his voice, in his stare, but she only smiles. “I’m great. This is beautiful.”

Mr. Choi looks around the room, a misty awe in his eyes. “We’re here again,” he mutters, low enough for Soobin to not catch it, but he does. It seems like he’s saying only it to Mrs. Choi, and she nods, squeezing his arm.

_Here again._

Yeonjun catches up to his parents, talking animatedly about how he’s been doing. Soobin is tuning out, the crowd already getting to him - way too many people, too many sound, too many distractions. He’s playing with the hem of his shirt, feeling Yeonjun’s elbow knocks his as he speaks. It’s - too much, and he feels like being in a constant static whirring, like back when they went to Daegu the first time after the crash. It’s _familiar_ , and yet _so_ foreign, like everyone is speaking a language he doesn’t understand, and he’s the only one left clueless.

Soobin tugs at his collar, and tells them he needs to go to the bathroom. He lets them have the moment alone, and takes it as his cue to leave. The bathroom by the dressing room is empty, except for Jimin, who is standing in front of the mirror, nervously fixing up the buttons of his suit even when they’re compeletely intact.

“Hyung,” he says.

Jimin sees his reflection first, before turning around. He smiles, but there’s an edge to it, like it’s mostly for show. “Hey, Bin.”

Soobin thinks he understand. “You okay?”

“Sure,” Jimin sighs, straightening his suit. “I’m just - I’m nervous.”

“I don’t think you’re nervous,” Soobin says. “I think you’re just excited.”

Jimin looks at him through the mirror. “Really?”

Soobin hums, nodding his head. “Yeah.”

Jimin has a tenderness in his eyes that Soobin knows too well. It’s like he’s looking to the future, as though he’s imagining Taehyung in their new house, in their new life. It’s such an underlying thing, that longing.

“What was it like? For you?”

The answer is simple, so he says it simply, “I just wanted to be with him.”

Jimin gives him a smile, attentive and gentle. “How is it going? With you and him?”

Soobin isn’t entirely sure. “We’re okay,” he says.

“Are his memories back?” Jimin asks, and a couple months ago it would _sting_ , but Soobin doesn’t feel that way anymore.

“No.”

“He’ll be around again,” Jimin says, and it sounds like he believes it.

“And if he didn’t?”

“Isn’t it still enough?” Jimin says, and Soobin snaps up to meet his eyes. They’re not close enough to understand the weight of a stare, but somehow, he gets it.

Soobin dwells on it. It rings in his head like an epiphany, and he nods, throat dry like paper. “Yeah,” he says. _It is. Isn’t it?_

He stares at the jitter in Jimin’s hands, and recognizes how his used to shake like that too.

“Hyung, you’ll be okay.” he says.

Jimin nods, and his smile looks more genuine now - not tight tugged on the corners, just a display of raw emotion, “I know,” he mutters softly. “It’s just - nerves.”

“Happy nerves, right?”

Soobin turns the faucet on, leaning on the sink. Feels the water running on his hands.

“Yeah,” Jimin nods, more determined. “I can’t wait to see him.”

The water is cold, but it helps ground him. “It’ll be worth it.”

Soobin still remembers the moment he caught Yeonjun’s eyes in the altar. He reckons it’ll be the same thing for Jimin.

Jimin doesn’t say anything else, but he gives him a meaningful smile as Soobin leaves the bathroom. He searches for Yeonjun in the crowd, and he finds him sitting on one of the chairs - the one beside him empty.

Yeonjun lights up when he sees him. “Hey.”

“Where are your parents?” Soobin asks, looking around.

“They’re with Taehyung.” Yeonjun says, and there’s a soft gleam in his eyes that Soobin doesn’t understand, like he’s waiting for something. “Bin.”

Soobin realizes Yeonjun hasn’t called him that since the crash. “Yeah?”

“Taehyung was really nervous when I saw him,” Yeonjun starts. “I was just wondering if you were nervous too.”

Soobin laughs. “Before I married you?”

Yeonjun frowns. “ _Who else?_ ”

“Of course I was nervous,” Soobin replies easily.

“Why?”

Soobin stares at the altar. “Because it’s you,” he says. “But mostly I just couldn’t wait to marry you.”

Yeonjun smiles, overwhelmingly gentle. “Do you think I was nervous?”

Soobin shakes his head. “I don’t think you were.”

“I think I couldn’t wait to marry you too,” Yeonjun says, longing in his voice. A reminiscence to something he doesn’t have anymore.

Soobin wishes Yeonjun could have that day back. It seems like Yeonjun desperately wants the memory. Such a big thing, ripped away cruelly from his mind like that. He’d take him back if he could.

“I wish you can have that day again,” Soobin says quietly. Doesn’t want anyone else to hear it.

Yeonjun hears it, and whispers back. “Me too.”

When the ceremony starts, the room goes eerily quiet. Soobin stares as Jimin goes out with his father, hand-in-hand, and there’s light on their faces, like a spotlight. He watches them, transfixed, as they walk slowly through the aisle. Jimin’s smiling so bright, Soobin can’t help but feel it too.

Taehyung appears then, Mr. Choi beside him, and it feels like the world misses a beat when the grooms-to-be finally catch each other’s sight. As though the world is holding its breath too.

They meet at the altar - Taehyung immediately reaching for Jimin’s hands, and fingers interlocking like a promise. Soobin thinks about Jimin’s nervousness in the bathroom, and how he looks so eased now that he’s here, nothing tense about him anymore. More than anything, Jimin just looks free.

“He looks so happy,” Yeonjun says. And he does.

Taehyung starts his vow, and it feels like an overflowing dam - feelings, anticipation, _hope_ worth of years of being together, summed up in a breath. At the end of it, he says a simple _I love you_ , but Soobin knows what he means and the depth of it, that there’s no possible words left to fully encompass what he feels.

Jimin cries a little in the middle of his speech. Taehyung still stares at him intently, unwavering, so Jimin continues as they both laugh softly into each other’s space. When he finishes, Taehyung kisses his hand and Yeonjun sniffles in his seat. Soobin thinks he cries a little bit, too.

After they exchange rings, the officiant pronounces them as newly weds, and Jimin’s the first one to lean in, meeting Taehyung in a soft kiss. Taehyung holds on to him tightly, even when he still has forever ahead of him to do just that.

*

The ballroom is _huge._

The ceiling is far high, enough that Yeonjun feels like a lone star in the middle of a thousand bright lights. But he’s not really alone. He sees so many people he doesn’t recognize, some who smiles at him, and some who seems to be Taehyung or Jimin’s colleagues and brushes past him without a second glance.

Soobin is here. He doesn’t talk much, but his presence is warm enough. Loud enough, that he’s the only thing that he feels.

Yeonjun wonders how it feels to be the groom. How it feels to walk down the aisle, _finally_ meeting him on the altar, and he wants to know if it’s as breathtaking as everyone makes it to be. It seems like it’s true, because Taehyung looked like he held his breath the whole time, and was only able to release it when he caught Jimin’s eyes.

Yeonjun is overwhelmed tonight. He doesn’t know if he’s just _missing_ it so much, his own wedding, that even being here feels like an ode to an old memory. He’s always missed it - long for it. The moment he saw their wedding video, it was like he was homesick for something he doesn’t even have. He doesn’t know what it is - it’s not like he was ever big on weddings anyway, but he keeps _missing_ it. Like a missing piece, or a clarity.

Soobin is beautiful. He’s _magical_.

Yeonjun knows that. He’s known that for a while. But tonight, something shifts, and Yeonjun can’t get over it.

There’s always something so tender about his quietness. When he doesn’t say anything, Yeonjun can still always see, _feel_ the weight of everything else that he keeps inside. Yeonjun thinks it’s one of the reasons _why_ it always feels like Soobin sees him. Even when he’s not looking.

Yeonjun thinks Soobin is beautiful. He should let him know. He wants him to know.

“Hey,” Yeonjun says, prying Soobin’s attention. He’s got a glass of champagne on his hand, half empty. “How do you feel?”

Soobin blinks at him, and for a moment Yeonjun thinks he couldn’t hear him because of the music, but then he asks, “Why?”

Yeonjun leans against him until their arms are pressed together. He’s warm. He always is. “Because I want to know.”

Soobin stares at his glass. Yeonjun sees something in his eyes, resembling the one Yeonjun saw months ago back in the hospital. Like in Daegu the first time, in the bathroom as the hair dryer’s whirring rung loud. It’s there, but it’s much subtle now. Yeonjun wonders if it’s just the play of lights.

“It’s a lot of people,” Soobin says, ducking down a little so Yeonjun can hear him.

“Do you want to dance?” Yeonjun says before he could think about it. The floor is quite occupied. He sees his mom dancing with other moms, his dad laughing with someone familiar but Yeonjun can’t really tell who. He doesn’t know where Taehyung and Jimin are.

Soobin looks at him. He thinks about it - long enough, that Yeonjun starts counting his eyelashes. “Sorry,” he says regretfully. “I think I just need some air.”

Yeonjun nods. He understands, even he can feel the suffocating air. “Okay,” he says. “Do you want me to go with you?”

Soobin smiles at him, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “It’s okay, Junie. You can stay here.”

Yeonjun watches him go, and it feels like a gaping hole in the space that he leaves behind. He downs his own champagne in one gulp.

He walks over to the floor. He doesn’t quite know anyone else, so he simply closes his eyes, just like of all the impromptu dances Taehyun has dragged him into. He feels the music on his body and lets loose. It’s _fun_ , especially when he doesn’t think about it. He doesn’t remember how long he lets his eyes shut - but at one point, Yeonjun hears someone beside him, a gush of wind against his ear.

It’s a familiar voice, even when the music’s loud. Just a simple utterance of his name, but it hits.

“Yeonjun.”

He opens his eyes, and sees Beomgyu in front of him.

“Oh,” he says.

Beomgyu smiles. He looks the same as he did months ago, also in Daegu, in that balcony of an upscale restaurant. He’s so much more dressed up now, tucked in a nice suit, and his dark hair is styled. Yeonjun is used to see his hair messy and covering his forehead that it looks jarring.

For the first time, Yeonjun sees just how much older he is.

“Hey,” Beomgyu greets him, waving his hand. He’s grinning now, a tender spark in his eyes. “It’s nice to see you again.”

Yeonjun opens his mouth, unsure on what to say. He still hasn’t fully processed it yet. He remembers vaguely that Taehyung told him about this, but it has completely left his mind.

“Gyu,” he mutters in disbelief. “ _It’s you_.”

Beomgyu laughs, the sound muted from the music. “Where’s the happy couple?”

“Somewhere,” Yeonjun says distractedly, can’t quite feel his hands. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Your brother invited me,” Beomgyu shrugs, so nonchalant, it makes him wonder. He looks collected, like he’s sure of everything. It wasn’t like that with him before - it used to be unabashed fun, the two of them against the world. Such a difference now, seeing him like this. There’s still that adventure in his gaze, but it’s so much more subdued now. “I couldn’t make it for the ceremony. But I’m here.”

The music changes to something easy and soft like butter. He tenses as he realizes that there’s still something that he needs to do, or he’ll regret it for the rest of his life.

“Hey,” Yeonjun calls out. “I think I owe you something.”

Beomgyu blinks at him. “What?”

He holds out his hand, an invitation lingering in the air. Beomgyu looks at it, and as it clicks what Yeonjun’s doing, he carefully slides his palm against his.

“I owe you a dance,” Yeonjun says. _A closure._ Beomgyu’s closure. Back in the balcony’s railing, that was Yeonjun’s. It’s his turn to give it back.

Recognition flashes in Beomgyu’s eyes, and he smiles. It’s a loose hold, their hands, and they’re barely meeting in the middle. A space between them still; but Beomgyu welcomes it. Such a friendly dance now, a constrast to their last dance when they were desperate and afraid to let go.

“We didn’t get to talk a lot last time,” Yeonjun says. Beomgyu doesn’t use his old perfume. He can’t decide what he smells like now. Back then, Beomgyu always felt like summer.

Beomgyu snickers. There’s a sense of familiarity between them. Just old friends catching up. Yeonjun realizes this is Beomgyu’s first time to really talk to him again too.

“That night before you left,” Beomgyu whispers. “This is the night before you left, right?”

“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun says quietly. He doesn’t know what he’s sorry for. All he knows is he wants Beomgyu to have a proper goodbye. Not like what he gave him in the past.

Beomgyu squeezes his hand, smiles faintly. Barely there, but it lingers, as though he’s assuring him that it’s okay. “That was years ago.”

“I know,” Yeonjun says. “Still sorry.”

“Forgiven,” Beomgyu laughs, quiet enough that it gets muffled through the echo of the music. “I’ve always forgiven you.”

“Gyu, did you wait for me?”

Beomgyu steps a little further away, their shoes knocking together. Awkward, fumbling. Unsure. They’re not lovers desperately saying their last goodbyes anymore.

“Of course I did,” Beomgyu says softly. “I promised you I would.”

“I’m sorry I made you wait for me.”

“I wanted to, you know.” Beomgyu says, and nudges Yeonjun’s palm with his thumb. “I told you. We just grew apart. That was nobody’s fault.”

“I know that,” Yeonjun nods, staring at everyone else around them. “I just - I hate that I _left_ and never came back.”

“You found someone in Seoul that made you want to stay,” Beomgyu utters, bare, like it was that simple. Maybe it always was. “I would never hold that against you.”

Yeonjun looks at him. He’s long accepted that this isn’t the Beomgyu that he knows anymore and that life goes on - Beomgyu’s has since a long time ago, and now Yeonjun has to exist within his own.

It’s been awhile now. Since he ever thought about it - his memory loss, and everything that he missed in his life. It’s been _months_ now, and he hasn’t worry about it for a good while.

He’s just been... _happy_. He doesn’t feel resentment about the crash anymore. He’s just happy to be here. He’s happy in their apartment. Happy about his job. Happy about Seoul. Happy about the life that he has _now_ , even when he didn’t recognize it at first. He’s happy about everything that he’s catching up to. Yeonjun isn’t angry that he lost so many old memories, because he’s _happy_ that he’s making so much more new ones.

It dawns on him.

He does. He wants to _stay_.

 _“_ Can I tell you something?”

Beomgyu nods. “Sure.”

“I think I’m in love with him,” Yeonjun confesses, and it feels good to say out loud, safe in his mouth. He’s doesn’t want to take it back. He just wants to keep saying it.

Beomgyu’s eyes light up, his mouth opening a little bit. He looks surprised, like he wasn’t really sure what Yeonjun’s about to say, but now that’s heard it, he just looks happy for him.

“That’s your second time, then.” Beomgyu says, laughing fondly into the air between them.

“Huh?”

“Your second time falling in love with him.”

Yeonjun supposes it is. He smiles, his heart full. “I’m going to tell him tonight.”

Beomgyu smiles back at him. A lifetime of knowing each other, and Beomgyu finally lets him go. “Good luck to you then,” he says, and squeezes his hand. His form of goodbye.

Yeonjun squeezes it back. He knows they’ll be okay. “Thank you, Gyu.”

The music turns to something more fun, so Yeonjun releases his hand. He moves with the fun beat, and Beomgyu follows suit.

“How about you?” Yeonjun asks, a little louder so that he can hear him.

“I’m dating someone,” Beomgyu says, immediately beaming. Even talking about it, he looks impossibly fond. “It’s only been a few months, but I really like her.” Yeonjun wonders if that’s how he looks at her too; like this, like he’s happy with barely contained affection.

He wants to laugh, joy startling inside his lungs in explosive sparks. He feels so _free_ that he can’t hold it back anymore, like he’s finally weightless.

He’s so – “I’m so happy for you,” Yeonjun yells through the music, yells louder when he feels relief consume him whole. “I’m so happy for you!”

Beomgyu laughs with him, his eyes closing. “Thank you! I’m really happy for you too!”

They don’t stop laughing after that - even when the song’s finished and a new one comes. It feels like those late nights when they used to watch the stars together, the grass underneath their bodies - young love, innocent, reckless. The ground disappears, the fire on Beomgyu’s eyes shift into a deeper shade of brown, a tenderness in it Yeonjun can’t find anywhere else. When he looks down, it’s not his hand anymore that Yeonjun’s holding. A different smile, like sunrise. Something _safer_.

Beomgyu’s dancing with him, but it doesn’t break his heart anymore.

*

Soobin sees it coming, is the thing.

He saw it coming since the crash, always knew he never stood a chance. He saw it coming when Yeonjun didn’t tell him the first time. The silence between the lines.

The air out didn’t help, but it was better than the suffocating, thick atmosphere inside the ballroom. Too much people, the music’s too loud, and his collar was too tight.

He felt much better, but now he’s back here, and he feels it again.

Soobin saw it coming. He saw it coming - miles away, the boy from Daegu who felt more like home than Soobin ever did.

They look good. In the middle of the floor, holding on to each other like a slap in the face. Picture perfect - and it feels like another promise, a vow that Yeonjun broke.

Soobin is stuck in place. His stare lingers, even when it hurts. His stare lingers, and he watches the smile on Yeonjun’s mouth, _happy_ , free. _Home_.

He should go. He should _leave_ , but his feet are glued to the ground. He can’t get his eyes off of the sight, like he’s addicted to it. He watches, one second, _twice_ , and then the boy laughs. Watches the slide of their hands together, and he’s back to being twenty and Yeonjun caught his gaze for the first time and it terrified him more than anything ever did.

Soobin never stood a chance. Never stood a chance with Daegu and the boy from Daegu. Never stood a chance, when this is home and he’s barely someone warm.

He stays. Despite it, he stays. From afar, he stays, and looks at them.

Yeonjun still remembers everything about this place. He doesn’t have to _try._ He doesn’t have to burn the world down to have it back again. He already has Daegu. He already _has_ the boy.

Did Yeonjun ever have him? When he thinks about it, did he _ever_ have him?

Soobin loves him. He loves him, and it hurts. He loves him, and for months he’s been able to keep it in. Soobin loves him, isn’t that the point?

He always thought that love was a choice; and it is, for the most part. He chose him years ago, and he chose him again when he said yes to Yeonjun’s proposal. Everyday, it’s been Soobin choosing him over and over and over again, always without a doubt. Yeonjun has always chosen him back.

Here, what Soobin sees; this is Yeonjun’s choice. This is Yeonjun’s choice, in the form of a hometown and a boy.

Yeonjun looks happy. He looks _so_ happy. That’s all Soobin ever wanted. What else did he ever want? That was his vow, wasn’t it? _Whatever it takes._

Soobin stares at Yeonjun, and the light reflects on his hair, and his shirt, and everything else about him _shines_. Such a blinding thing; Soobin didn’t deserve it. Did he ever deserve him?

His second chance. His last time. Soobin gets it. _He gets it._

When it comes down to it, Soobin still loves him. Isn’t that the point?

*

The water ripples. Cold against his skin.

Soobin doesn’t know why he’s here. It’s quiet. Too quiet maybe, because now he can hear every thoughts in his head - even ones that he doesn’t want to mull about.

He reckons it’s better. Everywhere’s better than the ballroom. Everywhere’s better when he can’t see Yeonjun and his heart and how in the end, Soobin doesn’t even have to think about it.

He knows what he needs to do. He always knows.

There’s no one else in the indoor pool. Just Soobin and the dim lights. Just Soobin with his feet dipped in the water, creating small waves against the wall.

He’s a mess, can’t even figure out how he got here. Doesn’t even know if he remembers the way back to his room. His suit is mostly off - the jacket is sprawled behind him, his tie hung loosely around his neck, and the shirt’s top buttons are undoned. He hates it. Hates being in a wedding where it reminds him so much of his.

If he listened hard enough, he can still hear the music. Or maybe it’s just stuck in his mind. Burned to his scalp, the song Yeonjun bid his goodbye with.

Soobin remembers meeting him in that cafe when they were both still in university. He thinks maybe the clock has been counting down to _this._ Maybe he’s just been denying the truth from start - maybe he should’ve _known_ that it was too good to be true.

And it always has been, hasn’t it?

Life has changed for the last months. It’s different, but one thing always remains the same. He still wouldn’t have it any other way.

The water is cold. It numbs him a little. He watches the water. Lets it ground him. He stares at the way the lights flicker, the blue of the pool, the soft sound it makes, and how much he misses him just the same.

But Soobin’s ready. _Whatever it takes._

Whatever it takes it is.

The door opens. So loud that Soobin’s head snaps up.

It’s Yeonjun. Of course it is.

The lines on his forehead immediately smothers out when his gaze lands on Soobin. He runs to him, his breath harsh like he’s been running, and sits himself down beside him.

Soobin moves his feet until the water creates more ripples. He grips the rough edge of the pool until his palms hurt.

“I’ve been looking all over for you.” Yeonjun says, still catching his breath. “Why did you leave like that?”

“Sorry,” Soobin mutters.

“Why are you here?”

“Needed some air.”

“You’ve been gone for an hour.”

Soobin kicks the water until it splashes. “Still need some air.”

Yeonjun’s quiet for a moment. He feels his heavy eyes on him. “Hey, you okay?”

Soobin stares at the soles of Yeonjun’s shoes. He doesn’t know what to say to that. What can he say to that?

Yeonjun’s voice is cautious and worried when he whispers. “Bin?”

“Don’t call me that,” Soobin says weakly, muffled against his hand.

“Why?”

“Just don’t.”

Yeonjun’s quiet again, like he’s trying to figure it out. “Are you okay?” he asks again, this time softer.

Soobin presses the heel of his palm against his eyes before straightening up. When he turns his head, Yeonjun is already looking at him. He looks troubled - but mostly just worried. He’s trying to read him, he knows.

Soobin feels the cold water on his fingers. “I’ve been thinking.”

“Yeah?”

Yeonjun looks beautiful here, the dim lights illuminating the side of his face. He realizes it’s never really about him. Of course he’s stunning - the prettiest boy he’s ever seen in his life. But Yeonjun’s always beautiful because Soobin loves him. It doesn’t matter if his hair is blue or black, or if his lipstick is smudged on the edge. It doesn’t matter that his nails are sometimes crooked, or if his smile doesn’t reach his eyes. It doesn’t matter when it’s the morning and he has bed breath, his shirt crumpled and one of his pant leg is longer than the other.

It doesn’t matter - never has, because Soobin has always just _loved_ him.

Love is a choice. Maybe that’s all it is. Maybe it’s something to do with fate too, and maybe soulmates exist. Or maybe that’s all bullshit and love is about effort and time that you’re willing to put to make it work.

He doesn’t care. At the end of the day, Soobin doesn’t _care._ He’s always chosen him, and he’s always put effort and time in this. He cherishes him, _wants_ him when it’s hard, and even now when Yeonjun looks at him and he doesn’t remember that scared twenty year old boy ordering coffee that he didn’t even like.

Maybe it _is_ fate, and if it was then it was cupid who brought them together in that cafe. If soulmates exist, then their red strings are only inches away right now or maybe Yeonjun’s stretches back to the ballroom. If it was some cosmic belief, and that their atoms met when the big bang happened and somehow here they _are_ , meeting each other again as a breathing thing - if that was the case then, so _be it_.

He’s done it all; he’s believed it _all,_ and at the end of the day - still, Soobin just _loves_ him.

When you love someone, you want them to be happy. Soobin just wants that for him.

 _Whatever it takes_.

“I think you should stay here, Junie.”

He can’t take it back. It’s out there now, and he can’t take it back. The water has become ice cold on his skin, but he doesn’t pull his feet up.

It’s defeaning. The silence that stretches after.

“What are you talking about?”

“When I go back to Seoul,” he goes on, holding his breath. “I don’t think you should come with me.”

Yeonjun blanches, and his voice rises high. “What?”

Soobin doesn’t say anything else. His eyes are hot, and it feels like a stake through his heart.

“What,” Yeonjun repeats.

Soobin grits his teeth. He knows that if he speaks again, he’d cry.

Yeonjun’s looking at him. His gaze bores holes to the side of his face, but Soobin stares at his hands. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he caught his eyes.

“Soobin,” he says quietly, but it sounds rough. “What do you mean? Are you kicking me out?”

“Not like that.”

“Like what, then?”

“Like -” Soobin sighs, exhaling hard through his nose. “Like, if you want to stay here,” he says. “ _It’s okay_.”

Yeonjun shuffles uneasily. “Is that what you want?”

“Of course not,” Soobin touches his eyebrow absentmindedly, feeling it prickle on his finger.

“What do _you_ want?”

Soobin huffs in frustration. “It doesn’t matter.”

Yeonjun moves closer to him until their legs touch, crowding into his space, and Soobin has no other choice than to look back. “Where did this come from?” he asks in a breath. His face has gotten red.

Soobin looks at him. His left eye, then his right. “It doesn’t matter.”

Yeonjun shakes his head and shuts his eyes tight. “No,” he says. “You can’t say that. _You can’t say that._ ”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Just -” Yeonjun stares at him desperately, like he’s trying to reach out to him. “Just talk to me. Don’t meet me halfway. _Please._ ”

Soobin opens his mouth, baring his heart out. “I don’t want to stand in your way.”

Yeonjun’s eyes look iridescent here. They look like a mixture of blue and yellow. Blue-yellow eyes on his, and Soobin lets him. Lets him _look_ , because what else can he do?

“You saw me with Beomgyu,” he says. It’s not a question.

Soobin nods. “Yeah.”

“Do you think I would be happier with him? Is that it?”

Soobin nods again. “Yeah.”

Yeonjun sighs. Loud. Dragged out. It echoes here, in Soobin’s eardrums, against the waves of the water.

“You know,” Yeonjun shakes his head, wiping his face with his hands. Soobin stares at him. “This is only romantic when I don’t want to be with you.”

Yeonjun opens his jacket. Puts it in a pile on top of Soobin’s. Tugs at his tie and yanks it free out of his neck. Without a warning, he dives headfirst into the pool.

The water splatters on him, drenching his pants completely. Soobin scoots back, watches incredulously as Yeonjun takes a leap through the length of the pool. He moves with such intensity that the waves break and aggressive water rocks against the edge.

Yeonjun takes another leap back, and Soobin pulls himself up, his folded legs underneath his body. He quietly stares at the blurry figure of Yeonjun’s hands and torso, the mess of black and white underwater.

Yeonjun’s head pops back up. His hand comes up to sweep the hair on his forehead back up on his scalp. It’s futile, because the strands of wet hair still comes tumbling down and poke him in the eye.

“It’s cold,” Yeonjun says.

Soobin looks at him, feeling disoriented. Did he imagine the last conversation?

“Do you want to come in?” Yeonjun floats until he reaches the edge. He peers up at Soobin with glassy eyes, parted lips, and a rushed exhale of breath that makes his shoulders shake.

Soobin stares dazedly at the endless ground around Yeonjun. “I can’t swim.”

“You’re almost two meters tall,” Yeonjun retorts, grinning at him. “The pool is shorter than that.”

Soobin slides slowly to the edge, his knee knocking on the sharp rim. With hesitance, he dips his feet back in the water.

For a moment, all he can hear is Yeonjun’s paddle to keep himself up. He glances quietly, at Yeonjun’s face, trying to find any kind of sign what he’s trying to do.

Yeonjun moves closer until he’s by Soobin’s knees. Pleading eyes, soft edges. “Please? Come in?”

It only takes one look, and Soobin drops and lets go. The cold water piercing right through his shirt and onto his skin. He splashes some water against his face, freezing, trying to make sense of all of this.

Yeonjun laughs. “Duck your head in, you dummy. You look silly when your head is completely dry.”

Soobin is still confused, but he obliges and puts his head underwater - closing his eyes, and momentarily his surrounding turns into a loud wave, a muted reality of the loud ballroom.

When he comes back up, Yeonjun is right in front of him. His breath hitches a little, his sudden proximity takes him by surprise, and he involuntarily presses back against the tile - the stone brim of the pool on his shoulder blades.

“Nice, right?” Yeonjun says, his eyes on him like a target.

Soobin feels naked. He’s still completely dressed, even when he’s soaked, but he feels naked under his undeterred gaze.

He doesn’t know what’s going on.

“Yeonjun,” he says, but there’s more to it than just his name.

Yeonjun understands and nods. He swims to the spot next to him and their sleeves touch, elbows meeting one another. Soobin shivers, but he knows even if he’s not inside the water, he would shiver just the same.

“It’s not true,” Yeonjun admits.

“What isn’t?”

Yeonjun turns his head to look at him. The light shines on his cheekbone, and a familiarity in his eyes that Soobin misses and yearns for. “That I don’t want to be with you,” he says.

Soobin breathes out. He feels his heartbeat spike against his rib cage, painful and full of hope.

“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun says softly. “There’s something that I’ve wanted to tell you for a while now. But you just had to kick me out.”

Soobin looks at his hands underwater. His ring glints like a reminder. “I didn’t kick you out,” he whispers.

“You did.”

Soobin snaps to meet his eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know,” Yeonjun retreats, his eyes safe. “You should’ve just asked me first, Soobin-ah.”

Soobin wants to duck his head in again. He’s cold, but Yeonjun’s still here.

“What are you saying, Junie?”

“Don’t you trust me?”

He wants to say yes, but his tongue is tied. He feels Yeonjun’s arm on his, hears the puffs of breath from his mouth, the sound of his feet moving under, but he knows this is a territory they haven’t touched before.

The truth is, this Yeonjun is _new_. It’s not a matter of trust, but his fear of opening up.

Yeonjun takes the silence as a no and nods, like he’s expected it from the start. He sighs, slumping against the rough edge, and Soobin watches him quietly.

There’s water in the slit of his eyebrow, dangling on his scar. Soobin wants to wipe it off.

“You can trust me again, Soobin,” Yeonjun says, his voice low but determined. He stares at the ceiling, brown eyes moving and landing. “I know I’m not the person that you loved, but _I can be_. I want you to trust me again.”

Yeonjun is deliberately refusing his gaze, and only now did Soobin realize the taut in his shoulders, the fear in the quiet tremble of his lips.

“Are you afraid of this?” Soobin asks urgently, because he needs to know. “Are you afraid that I don’t love you the same?”

Yeonjun nods. Such a simple gesture, but it hurts.

“I know you do, I just -” He mutters, a vulnerable confession, and Soobin wishes he would just look at him back. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I have so much to live up to. I know how much you loved me back then. I _know_ because it shows. I’ve known since the wedding video and since the hospital. I’ve just always known, Soobin.” Yeonjun says, his eyes shining. “But that’s not _me_. I’m not that person anymore.”

Soobin can’t possibly understand the gravity of his fear, but he listens quietly until he can imagine it in his head and recognize how scary it must be to be in his shoes. He hates that he’s been so in his head that he forgets how frighteningly new this is to Yeonjun too. _He’s not the only one afraid._

“I’m sorry,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun’s eyes fall on him. “I’ve held back for so long, but only because I don’t want to overwhelm you.”

Yeonjun smiles at him. “I know you were only taking care of me, but I don’t want you to hold back anymore. I can take it now.”

“Yeonjun,” he says, and there’s so much to it than just his name. He stares at him once years ago and never looked away. “I love you.”

Yeonjun stares back, unblinking.

“I just love _you_ , Yeonjun,” Soobin declares, faint but heavy. He wishes Yeonjun understands.

Yeonjun leaves his side and slides himself in front of him. He finds Soobin’s hand underwater and twines their fingers together. It’s cold here and maybe he needs to be somewhere warmer, but Yeonjun’s looking at him right now with open eyes and it’s enough.

“Do you know what Beomgyu and I talked about?”

“What?”

“I told him I’m in love with you,” Yeonjun says, unwavering. His eyes are steady, a warm glow against the dim light, and Soobin is starstruck. Suddenly the pool is the ocean and he’s unravelling in the seams, holding on to dear life by the sand.

Yeonjun moves even closer to him, his breath hot on his face. He can feel his body on him now - knees, torso, the jut of Yeonjun’s hipbone on his stomach. It makes Soobin jolt into hyper awareness, suddenly realizing in clarity that he’s not in a haze. _This is real._

“I love you too,” Yeonjun says, bare, like he’s always said it, and Soobin forgets how to breathe.

Yeonjun lets it hang in the air. Lets it settle warmly in his heart, lets it linger until he believes it. He’s still looking at him, but it’s light. _Open_. Unbearably vulnerable.

“Don’t say that,” Soobin whispers weakly, still latching to that cynical, fear-ridden part of himself that doesn’t think he deserves another chance.

“Why?” Yeonjun asks softly, but it sounds like he knows.

“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it.”

Yeonjun stares at him sadly, like he knows that Soobin’s been thinking about it. There’s a deep concave in the gap of his eyebrows, a frown on his lips, but a resolution gleams in his eyes, determined.

“I love you too,” he says again, and it strikes his chest like lightning, the same way it did across the barren sky when they first met. Yeonjun’s eyes are gentle and familiar. “I’m not just saying it.”

Soobin closes his eyes. He feels those words on his palms, on each patch of skin Yeonjun’s fingertips meet his hand. He feels it on the void space between them, the lines in which their chests are pressed together and their hearts beat for the same thing.

He thinks about the blue-haired boy and Yeonjun with his face and clothes drenched and Soobin misses him _always,_ misses him even when those words are meant only for him, even when this boy’s always been _here,_ no matter how much it felt like he left. He never left.

He misses him, but it’s not aching anymore. It’s _harbor_.

“Say it again,” he says.

Yeonjun laughs quietly, the sound blooms a euphoric feeling in Soobin’s chest. He puts his arms around him then, wet hands on Soobin’s back, a soothing drag of his open palms on damp shirt. Soobin meets him - not halfway anymore as he plunges forward until he can embrace him back.

Yeonjun drags his finger on Soobin’s back again. He concentrates on it, trying to make it out, but he falls short, clueless.

“What are you drawing?”

“I just told you.”

Yeonjun pulls back, just a little so he can see him properly. There’s a smile on his lipstick-smudged mouth, and a tenderness in his eyes Soobin always longs for. He realizes that Yeonjun’s been wanting to tell him that for awhile.

“Say it again,” he says.

Yeonjun brushes Soobin’s wet hair off his forehead. He cups Soobin’s face, fingers on the back of his head, thumb caressing his jaw gently.

“My love,” he breathes out.

For a moment, Soobin’s heart flutters desperately against Yeonjun’s ribs. It’s a soft thing - hearing it from his mouth, his jagged breath delicate. It’s a soft thing, here, when Yeonjun’s looking at him like there’s no truth more honest than that.

Time always moves slow when he’s with him. But now it stops, and Soobin stares at his lips. They’re wet and probably taste like chroline, but he doesn’t mind. His probably taste the same.

Yeonjun looks at him, permission in his eyes, and Soobin nods. Can’t possibly think of any other answer. The dim lights beam on them like anticipation.

Time starts again when Yeonjun leans in and his lips graze on Soobin’s already parted mouth. He kisses him unhurriedly, easy, and Soobin sighs in relief. There’s something new about it - not like their date when Yeonjun’s lips were a little chapped and hot, and fire tripped on all of his messy nerves. Instead of flying high in the sky, right now it feels like finally landing on the ground.

It’s sweet and gentle, Yeonjun taking his precious time, just savouring him and holding him still. His hands are wet but soft, and they feel like wings. Soobin feels him shake against his body, so he brings his hands up to his shoulders and pulls him in.

They stay like that, wrapped in each other’s hold, until Yeonjun’s teeth are chattering and he accidentally bites into Soobin’s bottom lip.

“Sorry,” he winces.

Soobin cradles his face in his hand. Yeonjun’s lips are white and his face has gone pale.

“You’re cold,” Soobin says.

Yeonjun laughs at that - forefinger hovering over Soobin's numb lip, his free hand on his hip, steadying him down. “You’re too.”

“Why did we jump in the pool instead of having a normal conversation? On land?”

He rolls his eyes, but it’s fond. “I started it and asked you to come in. Sorry.”

“Stop saying that.”

Yeonjun grins. “Sorry,” he says, just to be annoying.

“Why did you jump?”

Yeonjun pinches his cheeks until it hurts. “Because you drive me crazy.”

“Why?”

“Maybe I should be mad at you,” Yeonjun says. “but I’m letting it slide, because you’re so good to me, Soobin.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. You just -” he sighs, stars in his eyes. “You wanted to let me go because you thought it would make me happier.”

“But I shouldn’t have done it like that,” Soobin says, feeling guilty and sorry. He can see it now that it was wrong - to do that without asking Yeonjun first.

Yeonjun doesn’t deny it. He nods, but his lips tugged in a smile. “Next time, just ask me. Talk to me. Okay?”

“Okay,” Soobin says softly. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” Yeonjun whispers. “I shouldn’t have danced with him but I really needed to.”

“It’s okay,” Soobin squeezes his hand reassuringly. “I was just - I was in my head, so I just assumed the worst.”

“So, what are we?” Yeonjun asks with a cheeky grin. It’s playful, but he knows they need to talk about it too. It’s been too long without them having a clear relationship stance just because Soobin’s too afraid to start the conversation.

Soobin holds him close. “I’ll wait for you. Whenever you’re ready.”

“I _am_ ready,” Yeonjun says. “Will you learn to trust me?”

Soobin nods, his thumb brushes on Yeonjun’s palm. “Yeah. I promise.”

“Let’s be patient to each other,” Yeonjun nudges his forehead with his, and closes his eyes. Soobin breathes him in. He smells like chlorine and wet clothes, but Soobin’s never felt more at home.

“Okay.”

“We should get out of here before we catch the flu,” Yeonjun pats his back and immediately gets out of the pool, putting his hand out for Soobin. When they’re out of the pool, Soobin feels heavy, his drenched clothes adding a few kilograms to his body.

The walk back to their floor is quiet, but Soobin doesn’t mind it. Their shared silence has always been comforting, but right now even the things unsaid feel liberating.

Yeonjun tails him when Soobin sticks the key card in, as though it’s been agreed upon that they’re going to share a room now. Soobin doesn’t mind anyway, so he lets Yeonjun touches his back as he waits for the door to open.

The room feels like a whole new world after the pool. The lights are bright, and instead of chlorine, it smells like air conditioner and rich fragrance that only radiates from expensive hotel rooms. Yeonjun puts their discarded dry clothes on the floor, and presses himself on Soobin’s back, arms circling around his stomach.

“You’re wet,” Soobin says, but doesn’t disentangle himself from his tight hold.

Yeonjun whispers petulantly on his left shoulder blade. “So what.”

Soobin lets the silence linger, hands resting comfortably on Yeonjun’s folded ones. They’re both still dripping water everywhere and his skin feels slick and damp, but he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

“Junie, you’re shaking.” Soobin points out, a strong grip on the stutter of his fingers.

Yeonjun answers by hugging him harder, another warm squeeze of his arms. As much as Soobin enjoys this, he can’t really risk it, not when they’re teetering dangerously close to a fever.

“Junie,” he says fondly and lets go. Yeonjun frowns at him, but Soobin clasps their hands together and drags him quietly to the bathroom.

The hot shower helps a lot. Slowly, the heat seeps through his skin and the numbness dissipates. Yeonjun washes his hair, a calming drag of his fingers on his scalp. It’s quiet, just the running water against the white tiles, and there’s foam on Yeonjun’s forehead that Soobin’s sure he’s seen before.

When they’re finished, Soobin lends Yeonjun his clothes. It’s always nice to see him in them, especially now when it’s just the two of them and Yeonjun looks impossibly soft.

The sheets are warm, the pillowcase a little warmer, but Yeonjun’s body is the warmest. They lie side by side on the bed, tangling with each other’s limb again - Yeonjun knee on his thigh, a cold inch between their noses, just a breath away.

“Hey, stranger,” Yeonjun says softly.

“Hi,” Soobin replies, almost shyly. They haven’t shared a bed since Yeonjun came in the spare room with messy hair because he couldn’t sleep. But there was a reason then, and now there’s none - just an urge and a wish, and it makes Soobin’s stomach flip in itself.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

Yeonjun’s lips curl gradually into a smile. He takes Soobin’s left hand and squishes it against his cheek. A soft nuzzle of skin and skin, and he hums.

“You’re the warmest thing I know.”

Soobin gently swipes a tentative thumb on the ridge below his eye. “I’m still freezing, you dummy,” he says, ignoring the viscous thumping of his heartbeat.

Yeonjun shakes his head, a serious manner to it that Soobin can’t help but take it to his heart. “Not to me.”

Soobin nudges his jaw, smiling fondly at him. “What a line.”

Yeonjun laughs, light and vast. “It’s not a line.”

Soobin bumps their foreheads together. “I know,” he says, because he does.

Yeonjun closes his eyes, and Soobin takes his time to stare at him. He can’t believe that he thought he had lost him. Back in the pool, when he tried to let him go, Yeonjun only held him closer. He let him go, but Yeonjun chose to stay.

With a clarity, he realizes that Yeonjun’s jarring, out of nowhere dive to the pool was a leap of faith, and in that singular moment Yeonjun had chosen him back.

That _was_ Yeonjun’s choice, in a form of a bold jump and sinking water.

“Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun says. “You’re so dumb sometimes.”

Soobin nudges him quietly, “I’m inclined to agree, but please. Elaborate.”

“Beomgyu has a _girlfriend_ , you dummy,” he says sharply, echoing the insult back, squinting at him with faux annoyance.

“Sorry,” Soobin replies sheepishly.

“Just don’t do that _ever_ again.”

“I just can’t believe you’re here,” he confides slowly, vulnerable. “Out of all places you could be, and _you’re with me_.”

Yeonjun opens his eyes, a questioning lilt of his eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“When I first met your mom, she told me I was your home,” Soobin explains, and although fear still nags his mind, he pushes through it and focuses on Yeonjun’s hand in his. “Ever since the crash, I always thought I can’t give you that anymore, so everything about Daegu, even Beomgyu, feels like a competition.”

Yeonjun blinks. “I don’t get it.”

“This is home to you. You’re home now. I don’t think I can ever compete with that.”

Yeonjun takes him in, like he’s trying to understand. Soobin doesn’t blame him because he knows this doesn’t make sense.

“You’re right,” Yeonjun says after a moment, a short nod of his head. “I’m home now,” he leans forward to press a chaste kiss on Soobin’s cheek. “Not because I’m in Daegu, but because _you’re here.”_

Before Soobin can comment on it, Yeonjun cuts him off with a grin and a huff. “It’s not a line.”

“I know,” Soobin says, warm all over.

“Seoul is home too, because you’ll be there.”

Soobin moves closer and puts his arm around his back, fingers tracing on his spine. “Hey,” he says softly against his face. “I’m home too.”

“Now _that’s_ a line.”

Soobin pinches his side until Yeonjun yelps. He looks at him apologetically, mouthing _sorry_ , and in is eyes he returns his _I know_.

They lie together - just looking at each other, and Soobin finds forever in the flutter of Yeonjun’s eyelashes. Serenity in the dip of his waist. A promise in every bumps of his bones.

“Are you tired?” Yeonjun asks quietly.

“No,” Soobin says, even when his body’s strained.

“Me too,” Yeonjun tucks a strand of hair behind Soobin’s ear. “Hey.”

“Mm?”

Yeonjun touches Soobin’s safely tucked ring. “My vow was to fall in love with you everyday,” he says with a hitched breath, but there’s no hesitance in his voice. “Let me start telling you from now, okay?”

Soobin can’t believe what he’s hearing. Somewhere deep inside of him, he still thinks it’s too good to be true. He doesn’t know what to say to that, merely a broken sound from the base of his throat, but Yeonjun doesn’t look like he wants any answer from him anyway.

“I love you,” he says, easy but impatient in his tongue, like he’s been waiting to say it again.

Soobin will never be tired of hearing it. It’s been years hearing those words from Yeonjun’s mouth, and yet it still feels like the first time.

“You don’t have to say it back,” Yeonjun smiles at him, and Soobin crosses the distance between them, their ribs colliding with his hand on the small of his back.

Despite his request, Soobin still echoes it back against his ear, just because he can. “I love you too.”

Yeonjun’s skin is still cold, a remnant of the pool and a kiss, and Soobin can still feel it here in the edge of his palm where it meets the line of exposed skin on Yeonjun’s slightly bunched up shirt. Soobin reckons that his own body must feel as cold, and yet Yeonjun just crowds him even deeper into the embrace, like he doesn’t mind.

“Squishy,” Yeonjun whispers dazedly.

“That’s you.”

“No, you’re squishy.”

Soobin chuckles fondly. “Whatever you say.”

He quietly tucks the blanket and puts it over them until they’re warmly snuggled in. Yeonjun’s eyes are closed, his cheek still pressed soothingly on Soobin’s hand.

“Sleep?” Soobin suggests.

Yeonjun pouts, his bottom lip jutting out. “No, I want to be awake with you,” he says, even when he’s clearly in the brink of dozing off.

“Are you sure?”

“Mm,” Yeonjun nods, and Soobin’s heart does a little leap at how quick Yeonjun relents to sleep. It’s just been a few minutes since he said he wasn’t tired. “Come on, talk to me.”

Soobin still indulges, silently watching the soft puff of Yeonjun’s cheeks as he continues to pout. “About what?”

“Anything.”

“Okay. Anything.”

“Jackass,” Yeonjun pinches his wrist in annoyance, and Soobin laughs. “Sleep with me then.”

Soobin feels his eyelids getting heavy too as he yawns, feeling the stretch of his muscles, the heavy tension in the lines of his body. The exhaustion clings into him now as he finally settles against the comfortable bed with the warmth of another person next to his.

“I’m going to turn to lights off first,” Soobin says, which earns him an indignant noise from Yeonjun’s still frowning lips, unwilling to let him go. “Just a second,” he soothes quietly, and Yeonjun finally nods.

After the room is dark, he turns the bedside lamp on - casting a faint and low, but warm glimmer against them. It’s his second night in this room, and yet only now does he feel safe.

He slides in the bed again under the blanket, and even through his closed eyes, Yeonjun fumble around until his hand find Soobin’s once more. When he does, he sighs contently on the pillow.

“Clingy baby,” Soobin whispers.

“Are you complaning,” Yeonjun counters dryly, like he’s offended.

“No,” Soobin says, leaning in until he can rest his head against Yeonjun’s rising chest which Yeonjun immediately complies by pulling him in, hands wrapped loosely around Soobin’s shoulders.

“You’re the clingy baby,” Yeonjun says, his voice a little stifle as his consciousness slowly slips away.

He smiles against his shirt. “Your clingy baby.”

Soobin listens to Yeonjun’s gentle heartbeats. Such a nice thing to hear; a closeness he wants to bear. There’s peace in the stillness of the air. He can’t tell anymore where he begins - which limb is his, which breath is his own, and against what part of his body does Yeonjun end.

Yeonjun’s quiet and Soobin assumes he’s already fallen asleep, but there’s something else left in his mouth, a careful afterthought, or maybe an unthinking reflex - either way, it seems like Yeonjun doesn’t realize he’s uttering it out loud.

“Soobin,” he says. “I love you.”

Soobin closes his eyes, lets it hang in the air, and sleeps soundly for the first time in months.

*

Soobin wakes up to Yeonjun’s tender eyes. A hand on his cheek, a soft groggy _morning_ against his cheek. They spend some time in bed, just looking at each other, and Soobin feels high. This only confirms the fact that last night was _not_ a dream.

He stares at him, long and warm, eyes brushing over Yeonjun’s dark hair on his forehead, the soft tint of red on the tip of his nose. Yeonjun looks like a dream and he always has.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Yeonjun asks quietly, hot palm on his neck to tug him closer.

“You’re still here,” Soobin breathes out, disbelief latching on his tongue.

“Of course I am,” Yeonjun says gently. “Where else would I be?”

Soobin’s so lucky. _He’s always been lucky_.

A couple morning kisses, sloppy and chaste against each other’s mouths. Yeonjun tells him he has morning breath, but still leans in and chases for his lips again.

The buffet is much quieter now. Yeonjun comes down with his pajama pants and button downs, his hand twined with Soobin’s. They meet the happy couple by a table in the middle.

“Oh, hey,” Taehyung greets them with a wide smile. His hair is fluffy, a kind of softness in his face that only appears after a nice nap and in his case, probably marriage. But it’s both, Soobin thinks. “Morning, newlyweds.”

Yeonjun smacks Taehyung with his sweater paw. “You’re _both_ the newlyweds.”

Jimin grins, looking as bright as Taehyung is, gaze open and joyful. He points at their locked hands with his eyes, “Are we, _really_?”

“Shut up,” Yeonjun jabs, but it’s playful, if the smile slowly growing in his lips any indication. Soobin blushes a little, but Yeonjun only tugs him closer as they fill their plates with food.

In his third bite, Yeonjun and Taehyung’s parents step inside with bright smiles too, resembling everyone else. Jimin pulls another table into theirs and suddenly they are having a big family breakfast. The table is loud, happiness like waves, and Soobin watches silently - but it doesn’t feel lonely anymore. Yeonjun’s hand is beside his, pinky finger grazing his, and it’s an invitation, or acceptance - either way, it’s warm and familiar, and Soobin thinks this has always been his home, too.

When the conversation ebbs slowly and Mr. Choi is talking about the new house’s pool with Jimin, Mrs. Choi nudges his arm a little.

“Soobin-ah,” she calls out softly with a smile.

Soobin’s heart aches, because he misses that soft tone, the motherly gaze she’s looking at him with. “Yes, Ma?”

Mrs. Choi always has that knowing glint in her eyes - a wiseness to it that Soobin has only ever seen in his mom’s. “Are you okay?”

Yeonjun is munching his food, a concentrated furrow of his eyebrows, and his cheeks are puffed out. He’s only an arm-length away. Even closer than that.

Soobin smiles, only this time it’s not forced, and doesn’t feel like a lie. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

She takes another look at him, before it falls shortly on Yeonjun. Seems like she has made a silent conclusion, an understanding that only she knows. But she doesn’t say it; instead, she reaches over to drag a soothing palm on Soobin’s shoulder.

“Glad you are, honey,” she says sincerely before going back to her food.

In the afternoon, Soobin is back in the lobby to say goodbye to everyone. Taehyung hugs him tight, whispering a soft _take care of my brother_ in his ear. Mr. Choi tells him to visit them again soon. Jimin hugs Yeonjun the longest, and when it’s his turn, he thanks him for the conversation in the bathroom.

Mrs. Choi hugs him last, and even without saying anything, Soobin understands the weight of her gaze. He nods, and gives her the same promise he made the first time they met.

The car ride home is silent.

Yeonjun has his shoes on the dashboard again, and he’s humming quietly to the song from the radio. They’re not talking - but from Soobin’s peripheral, he can see Yeonjun’s smile. The brightness in his eyes. Stark and loud.

Soobin doesn’t mind it. He never minds their silence, but right now it feels warm. It feels like that coffee he ordered from him and the bitterness tasted sweet. It feels like amusement park and a first kiss. The first breath Soobin let out when Yeonjun met him at the altar.

He hums along with him, although he doesn’t know the song. Yeonjun’s laugh feels like their bed at home. Just them, _theirs_.

“Hey,” Yeonjun says, somewhere between Seoul and Daegu.

“Yeah?”

“Was I the one driving?”

Soobin knows what he’s talking about. “Yeah,” he nods, and for once he’s not scared of it anymore.

Yeonjun looks at him, unreadable but Soobin knows it’s heavy and means something. There’s an understanding in his gaze, weighed deep inside of his heart. But he doesn’t say anything else. He leans slowly on the window, back to humming songs. At one point, he belts it out. Just sings his heart out, so loud that it rings, and at the end of the song, his voice cracks. Soobin joins him on the next one, and Yeonjun loses it. His shoulders shake, eyes closing in bliss.

It’s hours of laughing. Comfortable silence that lingers and settles.

Right here, it’s home. Soobin’s home.


	4. harbor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home _n._ you

Soobin thinks it’s strange that life can change in a blink of an eye.

A few months ago, it hurt. Soobin lost everything he loved; a boy with the sky in his eyes, a familiar home. Despite it all, he thought it was enough. As long as the boy is happy and light.

But one thing happened, _one jump_ , a mistaken sight, and it shifts.

He sighs nervously, tugs at the collar of his shirt. Huening Kai is looking at him funny.

“Why?” He asks, straight and to the point.

Soobin rolls his eyes. He knows there’s nothing he should worry about. This is just a thing he needs to do anyway. It’s not like an official proposal or whatever.

“I wasn’t the one who did it before,” Soobin says, wiping his face tensely. “I also want to make it special for him.”

Huening Kai pats his arm comfortingly. “It’ll be fine,” he soothes, nodding his head. “I can _guarantee_ you that.”

“Still nervous,” he says.

“I know,” Kai replies softly. “It’ll still be fine.”

Soobin feels the box in his pocket. It’s been awhile since he’s touched it. His heart flutters, can’t wait for it to happen even when he feels like throwing up.

“Just go, hyung,” Kai pats his arm again, but more aggressive. “Come on, go get him!”

Soobin paces around a little more until Kai kicks him out of his apartment. He runs to the car and feels his lungs expand twice in the distance of their apartment building to the dance studio.

He sees Yeonjun inside, still talking with his students, probably saying goodbye or his notes for the next class. There’s a sweat trickling down his forehead, but a smile on his lips, like the exhaustion doesn’t bother him. It exhilarates him, more than anything.

Soobin comes over as the students rush out. When Yeonjun looks back at him, he lights up, and Soobin still aches for it, _always._

Yeonjun throws himself at him and slumps his head on Soobin’s chest. He’s sweaty, but Soobin still holds him back.

“Hey,” Soobin says.

Yeonjun’s hands circle around his waist, a thumb hooks on the loop of his jeans. He breathes him in, and Soobin lets him take what he wants.

“You smell good,” Yeonjun mutters against his shirt.

“You kind of stink.”

Yeonjun knocks his head offendedly on his shoulder, and Soobin laughs. “ _How dare you_.”

“Sorry,” Soobin apologizes half-heartedly.

Yeonjun steps back to see him. A shine in his eyes, like it’s his first time all over again. “Hey, my love,” he finally greets him, fondness thick in his tongue.

Soobin doesn’t know if he’ll ever get used to that. Yeonjun calling him _my love_ with that voice.

“That’s my thing,” he whispers weakly.

Yeonjun grins. “It’s mine now, sorry.”

“Okay,” Soobin says, because he’s more than fine with that.

Yeonjun kisses him once, and holds his hand as they go out of the building. Soobin tugs at it, nervously looking at his feet.

“Hey, can we go to the park?”

Yeonjun blinks at him. “ _The_ park?”

“Yeah. Are you tired?”

“Never,” he says and smiles wide. “Any reason?”

“Not really,” Soobin shakes his head.

“Okay, let’s go.”

The sky is warm. Yeonjun tells him to look at it, but he’s already looking. It’s a mix of different colors - he can’t really tell. There’s a hint of blue, a splatter of pink, a trace of purple and orange. The clouds are faint, but he can still see them.

Yeonjun talks. He talks about the class and his voice echoes in his ears. He tries to listen to him intently, but Soobin feels the edge of the box inside the pocket of his jacket, and his mind just blacks out.

When they arrive, Yeonjun runs with his hands stretched out, like he’s trying to hug the earth back.

“They’re staring,” Soobin laughs, but joins him, finding his fingers around his again.

“I don’t care.” _He never does._

Yeonjun lies himself down on the grass. A set of eyes on the sky, hands clasped on his stomach. Squinting, he stares at Soobin.

“Come here, you dummy.”

Soobin smiles. Fondness bubbling in his chest. “Fine.”

There are people around them. Footsteps crunching on leaves. Shoes beside his temple. He wouldn’t done it if it weren’t for Yeonjun.

“The sky is pretty,” Yeonjun says quietly, a soft exhale from his mouth. “but not as pretty as you.”

Soobin punches his arm, his face reddening. “Shut up.”

Yeonjun laughs and turns his head to look at him. “It’s not a line.”

Soobin’s heart skips a beat.

“It was never a line, you know,” Yeonjun says again.

Soobin wants to remind him that it wasn’t him who said that, but Yeonjun already knows. He opens his mouth but comes up short, so he stares at him instead.

Yeonjun is beautiful. Under here, illuminated by the evening light, he looks like everything Soobin wants. But that’s always the case.

Soobin can’t figure out how to say it. He hasn’t done it before. He wants to give this moment to Yeonjun, a forever captured in time. Yeonjun lost this before, so he wants to make sure that he has a a new memory just as perfect.

Open eyes, the way Yeonjun looks at him back. It’s something Soobin is lucky to have. Recognition in his gaze.

“Hey,” Soobin says softly.

Yeonjun chuckles, crinkles on the edge of his eyelids. “Hey, stranger.”

Soobin doesn’t understand why Yeonjun finds peace in the sky. Beauty in its ever-changing existence. But right now, he’s starting to get it.

It’s how the colors meet the ridge of Yeonjun’s cheekbones, like barely there kisses on his skin. Soft glow in the brown of Yeonjun’s stare, a vow stuck in the second between his breaths.

Maybe it’s never about the sky.

Soobin gets up and puts his hand out for him. Yeonjun looks at him silently, trying to figure out what he’s doing, but obliges anyway and takes his hand.

He wants to tell him everything. He wants to give him everything.

“Yeonjun,” he starts, slowing down, catching Yeonjun’s fingertips with his.

Yeonjun did it in a restaurant. He’s always been a romantic, so he did it in front of everyone. The crowd cheers when Soobin said yes.

In the park, there’s a crowd too, but no one’s paying attention to them. He can hear shoes on grass and gravel, children’s laugh, the gush of wind against trees. It’s public, but all Soobin sees and feels is Yeonjun.

It’s perfect, because the sky is perfect, and for once in his life, he _understands_.

“Yes?” Yeonjun looks at him curiously with his round eyes. A desperate squeeze in his hand like he wants to know the secret too.

“I love you,” he says quietly, just for him to hear. “But you know that.”

Yeonjun smiles, tender and reserved. “I know.”

Soobin nudges his thumb on the back of his hand, falls in love for the second, thousand times that day. “There’s something I need to give back to you.”

He drops on one knee, the box opened in his hold. A ring glinting under the sun.

“Choi Yeonjun,” Soobin says. “Will you marry me?”

It should be silly proposing to someone he’s still legally married to, but it’s just _not._ Not when Yeonjun steps back with a hand on his mouth, a wetness in his eyes that looks suspiciously like tears.

“What,” Yeonjun says weakly.

Soobin laughs. “Choi Yeonjun, _will you marry me_?” he repeats, because he wants to see that look in his face again.

Yeonjun shouts, loud enough to be heard everywhere across the country. “ _Yes._ Yes! Of course I will marry you!”

Soobin laughs and slowly slides the ring on Yeonjun’s finger. Feels like everything falls into place when it finally meets Yeonjun’s skin. The ring’s home, just his.

Yeonjun leans down and kisses him. Nothing else feels right.

“I can’t believe you get to marry me twice,” Yeonjun whispers, and smiles against his lips when he kisses him again. “You’re so lucky.”

Soobin holds him tight, and Yeonjun’s ring presses warmly against his neck.

_He is._

*

The wedding is in Taehyung and Jimin’s new house.

The road trip is fun. Yeonjun doesn’t know why Taehyun and Huening Kai agreed to go when they’re not close with everyone else (they don’t even know each other), but they still crammed in the backseat of the car as Yeonjun drives.

The radio plays an upbeat song.

Yeonjun taps the steering wheel to the beat, and Huening Kai screams the song out in which Soobin follows with an even louder screech. Taehyun looks at them all with a bewildered expression, but quietly gives up and joins too. At the end of it, the car is filled with mindless screaming and a regretful rendition of the original song.

The house is _huge_ , as expected. It looks exactly like what he imagined it to be. Minimalistic but modern. An impressive garden and backyard. The pool that Jimin boosted about.

Yoongi and Seokjin arrived an hour after them. They bring meat and drinks, and everyone spend the afternoon just lounging around on the backyard. Taehyung prepared an altar at the middle of it. Tables in front, beautiful centrepieces and flowers.

“Oh wow,” Yeonjun breathes out in disbelief when he sees it the first time. When Taehyung told them he would take care of it, he didn’t expect _this_. “You’re unbelievable.”

Taehyung only hugs them both as an answer. Yeonjun tackles him with big, wet kisses and Taehyung has to disentangle himself forcefully from him.

Huening Kai and Taehyun jumps into the pool first. Yeonjun watches as they splash each other and play fight. Soobin dips his feet in water, and stares at him with something tender in his eyes.

“How do you feel?” Soobin asks quietly.

Yeonjun is nervous, but excitement overpowers everything else. He hasn’t done this before, and right now he just wants to seal the deal with Soobin, once and for all.

“Happy,” Yeonjun says.

Soobin leans in to kiss him, but Kai splashes them until Yeonjun’s pants are soaked. Yeonjun doesn’t care, and catches Soobin in a sweet kiss as Taehyun follows Kai’s step and boos them away.

When it gets darker and the afternoon blends into evening, Taehyung pulls him to one of the many rooms in the house. He kisses Soobin once before Jimin drags him away too.

“So?” Taehyung asks, as he applies his make up.

It’s the room Soobin and him are staying the night in. It’s mindblowing to him how big the house is. Maybe they should move in and pay rent to Taehyung instead.

“I can’t believe I’m getting married,” Yeonjun says in disbelief. It’s still not sinking in.

Taehyung smiles softly. He looks happy for him. “Believe it, then. Because it’s happening in a few hours.”

Yeonjun knows this is all a show. It’s not a real wedding, nothing to officiate, but it’s real to him. _Everything is real._ He hasn’t felt this before - the jumpy feelings before the ceremony, getting ready and anticipating the moment he finally meets Soobin at the altar.

 _This is real_.

“Hyung, oh my god,” he gasps, his hands tingle. “I’m getting married.”

Taehyung laughs, brushing lightly against his cheek. “Yes you are, Junie. Did you write your vow?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “I already know what I’m going to say.”

Taehyung gets ready after him while he talks about his new life as a married man. It calms him down a little, being here with Taehyung, but as the day slowly closes in - his heart violently threatens to jump out of his skin.

The backyard is decorated beautifully with string lights. It’s breathtaking under the night sky, warm radiance upon their wedding. His parents arrive then, and mom kisses his head and wishes him good luck.

Everyone is already in their seats. Taehyung as the pretend officiant is waiting on the altar.

Dad pats his shoulder. “You ready, Jun?”

Yeonjun sighs heavily, trying to shake the tension off. It feels like such a big thing. He knows that when it comes down to it, Soobin is already with him. There’s nothing else he needs to be scared of.

“Yeah,” he says finally, and holds dad’s arm.

The walk through the aisle is silent. Everyone is staring at him - their gazes _waiting,_ expecting. It’s like this is their first time at their wedding, too.

As he reaches the altar, his breath stops.

Soobin is beautiful. It’s more than he always thought it would be. There’s a growing smile on his lips, like sunrise. And in his eyes, there’s love, and Yeonjun knows it’s only for him.

When Soobin meets him here, time stops again, just for them.

Soobin holds his hands tight, and breathes.

“Yeonjun,” he says quietly, his eyes shining. “I love you. I don’t know how else to say it. I’ve spent years telling you in all the ways I could.”

Soobin smiles at him, free of everything. “If one day you forgot me again and didn’t love me back, I would still love you like I do now.”

He’s only looking at him. He looked at him once and never looked away.

“I vow to love you,” Soobin says simply, the easiness to it aching. “There hasn’t been a day that I didn’t love you - in all that you are, with amnesia or not, I’ve always just loved you.”

Yeonjun knows. _He knows._ He understands. Right now, under the altar, Soobin doesn’t have to say much. He doesn’t have to say anything else, because Yeonjun already _knows_.

“Soobin,” Yeonjun says, and stares at Soobin’s eyes.

 _It’s the easiest thing he’s ever done_.

“I don’t know how you did it. I fell in love with you twice in my life, and the only thing I regret is not knowing how it felt the first time,” he goes on, smiling when Soobin squeezes his hand. “I want you. I’ve always wanted you. Maybe not from the start, but _I do_.”

He feels tears burn hot in his eyelids.

“I vow to fall in love with you everyday,” he says. “It was my vow then. I want to keep the promise.”

Soobin presses his fingertip tenderly on the skin below his eye. “Okay.”

Yeonjun nods and laughs, even as he cries. “Okay.”

They exchange rings then. An emptiness in his finger that now feels full. He can’t believe he spent so long without it.

Taehyung unofficially pronounces them both, but Yeonjun doesn’t hear it. He leans in and pulls Soobin by the neck. Kissing him like there’s no one watching. Just them, under the night sky.

*

After the party’s over, and his parents have gone home with the rest of them tired and sleeping inside their assigned rooms, Yeonjun stays in the backyard.

Soobin’s still with him. Hands circling around him, pressed against his stomach, and a chin propped on his shoulder.

“What are you thinking?” he says, soft against his hair.

Yeonjun leans back. “You.”

Soobin laughs. “What about me?”

He stares at the sky. The night is beautiful here. It’s pitch black, almost like looking at a tinted window, but he still sees the bright stars.

“How you’re prettier than the sky.”

“Stop,” Soobin nuzzles his neck, and Yeonjun laughs.

Yeonjun drops himself down, like he’s done so many times before. Hair around his head on the grass. Suit on the ground, his palms on earth.

Soobin doesn’t say anything now, simply joins him and lies on his back. His warmth on his like home.

“Look at it,” Yeonjun says, transfixed by the stillness of it. Almost like it echoes, the darkness a huge and unknown thing.

“I’m looking.”

“It’s never-ending,” he whispers, feeling like if he stared long enough at it, he would see his own reflection. “Stretches to places that we can’t see.”

Soobin finds his hand. Yeonjun’s ring on his skin.

“Why is it pretty then?”

It’s scary. When he looks at it here, from the perspective of one soul on earth. He can’t see the rest of it. He will never see the rest of it.

Soobin holds him close. Fingers wrapping around knuckles.

It’s such a comforting thing to bear; that they’re two souls looking at a vastness they will never comprehend. Such a collosal being, the sky - and yet under it, they’re still in love. It doesn’t matter how scary it is.

“Because you’re here,” Yeonjun says quietly, a secret between them. Soobin’s looking at him, and he’s the only one who matters to Yeonjun.

Soobin’s ring on his cheek, and it’s more than enough.

“ _With me._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> AAAAAAH!!! it's finished!!! i spent so so so much time and effort into this fic, so if you like it please let me know!!! this will always be my baby hehe. i hope you're having a nice day/afternoon/evening/night wherever you are and please drink enough water ok!! i appreciate you <33
> 
> please check out [this](https://twitter.com/DoublXpresso/status/1294352546107097089?s=19) amazing art of this fic by @DoublXpresso on twitter and give it love!! ♡
> 
> you can talk to me here if you want [twt](https://twitter.com/petaljun) [cc](https://curiouscat.me/petaljun)


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